Last weekend, I was in good ole Las Vegas because my friends and I wanted to get into some shenanigans. It was an interesting trip but I would have to say the highlight of the trip was my conversations with a stripper at Seamless. Now this place was just a normal titty bar. If you are not familiar with the laws of most states. Titty bars can serve alcohol but vagina bars are alcohol free. Being that my friends and I value alcohol more than seeing virtually unattainable and slightly diseased vagina, we went to a titty bar.
Seamless is a decent joint. Lots of hot girls in stripper garb with the just glittery chests and ass. This is all good in terms of appearance but it is a bitch and a half to get off your face. For that fleeting moment of excitment when that vegas whore just thrusts her chest onto your face, you must suffer the aftermath of having a raging hard boner and a trail of glitter in your face.
So my friends and I entered the strip club with just the hormonal urges to see breasts and drink. As I reached the bar, I was promptly met by an not so attractive stripper. She looked like a reject from Flavor of Love. Basically, not good to look at but might stab her with my meat sword with a decent amount of alcohol in my system.
Upon conversation though, I was “mesmerized” by her sales pitch. She was awful. She starts the conversation with “Hey, you are just so damn sexy right now.” I looked at her and said thanks because no matter what the chick looks like its always flattering to hear that you are sexy. So she asks where I am from. I tell her that I am from Los Angeles, to which she says that she was supposed to be in LA that night but she didnt have the money to go. Awww! what a sob story. I was tempted to give her all my money but I resisted. Yes, I am not in the habit of supporting whoredom. Anyways, I asked her why she needed to be in LA in the first place. She responds that her grandmother died and needs to attend her funeral.
Here is the thing. I am all for listening to sales pitches. Even when telemarketers call, I will have a conversation with them just to see how good they really are. I have yet to meet someone that whooed me. And this strippers pitches are also far from verbal ballet. How do you tell me about your dead grandmother. Sad story yes but seriously, how am I gonna pay for a lap dance if while you are vigourous rubbing your crotch on my newly washed jeans while the only thing I can think about is you grandmother in a casket? But I was still intrigued at how terrible this start was. I had to keep on talking to her.
I asked her what was on the “menu”. She said that for a whopping 400 bucks, she will give me an hour private session in a private room. I told her that I can get an escort for 300 for the same time period. She replies that she is better than an escort. I was quick to call bullshit because escorts fuck for a living. Strippers fuck when they find a guy willing to spend money in the private room. She tells me then a 30 minute session for 200 bucks. I tell her that again I can get an escort for less than that. I inform her that its the time discount I want. Rather, the price discount. I dont want to generalize but most strippers are not too bright. So when you here that they are trying to make money for college, I am going to say might as well save it for taking care of your kid or save it for bail money.
So the stripper looks at me and caresses my face and thighs with her dirty fingers. I am not too certain if they were indeed dirty but I am assuming she was in the back giving a rich dude a handjob and failed to wash her hands. With this pleasant thought implanted in my brain, I was quite the opposite of turned on. She tells me that by the end of the night, she will get me. She proceeded to tell me she wanted to marry me and that she wants to do very naughty things to me. Now usually, when some girl utters those types of words to me (it happens alot by the way) I am pretty psyched to bump uglies with the female but for some reason, Russell the Love Muscle stayed dormant. I asked her what these naughty things entailed. She said that I can do anything I want with her. My imagination quickly went into a frenzy. I was wondering if she would let me take a dump on her chest. Not because it would turn me on (I am not Japanese). But rather, I wanted to know if she indeed would allow me to do anything to her. After a whole hour or so of this, I started feeling bad. I kindly told her that I am not interested in such activities and that she is wasting her time with me. She gave me her number and told me that I should call her after she gets off because she is definitely in love with. Maybe I did sweep her off her whore-y little feet but sorry Diamond, you are just not my type.
