I would like to say that if a woman comes over to your place or hotel room after drinks, that is a clear sign that fucking should happen real soon. It should be common knowledge by now and if a chick goes to your house or hotel after 1am after drinks and gets shocked and appalled when the dude makes a move she is a total selfish and clueless jizz jar. Any dude that has the fortitude to resist sleeping with the girl deserves a medal for being a fucking pussy.
Well I am a recent recipient of such medal and I am still stewing over the missed opportunity for some vagina. Guys will usually think about a missed hook up opportunity like a chick misses a warehouse sale from their favorite brand.
So very recently, I got a message from a cute girl I met a while ago. She said she wanted to hang out and also for me to meet her friends. I am not sure if this was a show and tell situation or more of a “I wanna see you Danny because of your charisma and sheer sexiness” situation. I’m gonna go with option 2 because that is what boosts my ego.
Anyways, we set a place to meet up and at the arranged time I get there. I meet her friends who seemed like nice people. They were visiting from out of town and apparently were fans of mine. It was nice to meet them but I realized I had no business being there. So I disregarded that I have an ailment that forbids me from drinking, and got me some Jameson. Cute Girl orders a drink as well. The night ends with me about 3 cups of Jameson deep. Cute Girl had about 3 random cocktails as well.
I’d like to state that, I have seen this girl drink before and even though she ain’t a heavy drinker or anything, I knew her to be able to handle 3 drinks.
So at the end of night, I say my goodbyes to the out of towners and when I looked at Cute Girl I could tell she was in no way, shape, or form ready to drive. She was drunk. I was surprised because she was slurring a bit and acting tipsy. The pervert/guy side of me was thinking she is good to go. Inebriation is almost always a requisite for a one night stand. Then it got a little weird. She keeled over and started to puke her soul out. I’ve seen chicks throw up but this was a bit more excessive. Immediately my boner said Good Game and left.
Contrary to public notion, I do have a heart and realized her driving at this state would get her killed so I got a hotel room nearby and put her there. On the way to the hotel she looks at me and says, “I am trusting you oppa.” The words sound sweet on paper but I took it to mean if you touch me Imma holler rape. Boner completely disappeared.
As we are walking to the hotel room, I realized a few of the other doors were propped open. For all you innocent readers that come to my blog to learn something, a propped open door in hotels usually mean hookers are working them rooms. So here I am with the thought of sex branded on my brain yet on my arm is Cute Girl, barely conscious who yaked up about 2 days worth of food.
We get into the room and she immediately knocks out. I realized my window of having sex with the girl was completely closed. Sleepy vagina is never a fun thing. Have you ever had to have sex with a chick that is sleeping in fetal position? You gotta spit on your own penis and get into a weird sideways yoga position. Plus that is kinda borderline rape. But the fact that there is very attractive girl in my hotel room and we are both clothed really drove me nuts. So to fight from going insane, I go outside to smoke a cigarette. I hear clients going in and out of the hooker rooms which didn’t help my horniness. Furthermore, there was no atm in sight. Fucking shitty ass “historic” hotel.
At this point, you may be wondering why didn’t I just leave. Why subject myself to such temptation. The answer is that this hotel didn’t have a parking garage so I parked her car on the street. I didn’t want her to oversleep and get a ticket. Awww how sweet! As I am writing this I am scheduling a meeting between my face and my knuckles.
So i head back to the room and watch tv but in my head I was thinking what a shitty situation this is. I finally wake up Cute Girl in the morning so that she can move her car. She woke up and gave me the gf-morning after eyes and it made me extremely frustrated. I wanted to yell at her. I wanted to tell her that she is not allowed to give me that look because I was stewing in temptation for the last 10 hours. She got up and went to take a shower in the room. Man how can a man not go crazy with all this temptation. I went down stairs and smoked another cigarette because if I stayed there I would have kicked the bathroom door open with my cock in my hands. So we left the hotel and got to our cars. We embraced lightly and went our separate ways.
Driving back home the next morning, I get stuck in traffic. I was like these last 10 hours were pretty fucking whack.
I got home and masturbated furiously and shamefully. Well masturbation always ends shamefully. If you don’t believe me I dare every dude to bust a nut and look at themselves in the mirror. I guarantee you, that you will just shake your head and let out a sigh of despair.
The moral of this story is I am a fucking pussy and am not happy about it.
There is this video that is circulating around facebook about this kid that is being bullied and he thought about suicide and what not. And everyone is posting it up about how it’s a powerful video and what not. Here is the video just in case you are wondering…
What the fuck is going on with kids of this generation? Why are they raised to be a bunch of fucking pussies? I wanna start off by saying I don’t condone bullying but if you are a victim them there is an easy fix to it. Punch the muthafucka in the throat.
I grew up being a minority amongst minorities. I needed to fight people physically and verbally to not get shat on every day. But that is how my parents raised me. My dad always said “Don’t start fights but if someone starts one with you then fucking kick his ass.” But now everyone is being coddled and going to therapy and all that other shit that really didn’t exist back when I was growing up. Don’t let yourself be a fucking victim and always hate themselves. Your life aint that bad you fuckers. Plus if you think this is hard then you are in for a treat because life is way harder.
Let’s be honest, not that many people are happy in this world. My life is miserable and lonely,but you don’t see me trying to put a bullet through my skull.
What irks me about this whole thing is that the same people that post this video up are probably doing some bullying themselves. Every rumor you started or spread. All that shit talking you have done is a form of bullying. Yet a lot of yall put up the video for the sake of looking righteous or something. Really? Is it that moving? That it compelled you to put it on your facebook so all your “friends” can see how much of a nice person you are. You are probably a shitty human being as well that would call someone a fag, douche, asshole, slut, whore, etc.
I believe everyone is fucked up to a certain degree. You know that feeling when you hear a fucked up joke and you feel bad for laughing? That’s because you a bit of scum in you. So stop trying to hide all that shit and put up some shitty song lyric, poem, quote, or video to make yourself look like a nice person.
And for the kids being bullied stick up for yourself dammit. No one likes who they are. No one is really proud of where they are at in life. Trust me.
I just want everyone to be real with themselves and the younger generation to stop victimizing themselves.
For quite some time, I was trying to perform for the troops. I have had friends fight in the middle east and everytime I talk to them, they always mentioned how it would be cool for me to go out there and perform so that atleast for that amount of time, they don’t think about the fact that someone is trying to kill them every day.
Whether or not I agree with the US military presence in the middle east and in other parts of the world, these men and women are risking their lives for us. And for that I am grateful and all of you should be too. If not, go fall on a rusty nail you selfish apathetic shit vessel.
Anyways, my manager informed me a few months ago that he got me 13 gigs on various Army posts across the country. I was stoked at the opportunity to perform. I quickly realized that this tour was going to be pretty rough. If you are not aware, a lot of the bases are in the middle of nowhere and they are a pain in the ass to get to.
It was an interesting experience since I was on the road with comics I have never met. Cerrome Russell and A Pair of Nuts (Yamil Piedra and Johnny Trabanco). A lot of times all comics talk about are bits that they do or how shitty their careers are. Trust me after a few hours of this it gets fucking annoying. However, these guys weren’t like that at all. They were fucking cool. Sure there were some posts that needed to up their hospitality game but all in all the tour was very memorable.
From shitty 8 seat planes where I thought I was gonna die for sure. To haunted hacienda rooms, to shitting on the same toilet as Gen. Patton and President/Gen. Eisenhower. That’s right at one post, we got to stay where distinguished Generals stayed in. How many of yall can say you shat on the same toilet as a former president? That’s what I thought muthafackas. Ya boy is big time.
I had a lot of fun and here are some pictures from the road:
I was awarded a coin from the Fort Sill, OK. Unfortunately this was the only coin I received.
Sometimes trailers don’t make you feel baller. This was set up as our greenroom.
If I had this growing up no one would fuck with me.
I was told my room was haunted. I aint scared of ghosts!
But I saw this outside my room and this scared the shit out of me…
This is the church van with wings. I helped fly this thing to St. Louis. The other passengers are retarded for letting me sit co-pilot.
My name is lights. So are A Pair of Nuts, but what about Cerrome? Definitely a tour of Disrespect going on.
Cerrome and I letting people know we about to get foolish on stage.
The mansion we stayed in. Former residents include: General Patton and President Eisenhower.
After the final show at Joint Base Lewis McChord. (Yamil, Me, Cerrome, Johnny)
Thank you to all the men and women who serve in the military. God bless yall and please come home safely.
1) Rude Homeless People…
I have nothing against homeless people. Being homeless can happen to anyone and honestly I just see that as people that got dealt a shitty hand in life poker. However, I am a proponent of people being knowing their place in life. And being a bum means you gotta wait a bit longer than most folks for benefits
One day I went to downtown LA (the California state capital of homeless folks) to pick up my buddy. Being a dude that lags like the internet at the shitty café that I am in, I was parked infront of his place. I didn’t leave the car because I didn’t want one of these dirty smelly muthafuckas to ruin my day and ask me for change.
After about 10 minutes of waiting, a homeless man walks up to my car and knocks on the window. Being a complete idiot, I roll down the window and he asks for some change. He was definitely a bum. His dirty level was at code red. Anyways, I open my ashtray/coin receptacle and get a handful of change.
I put about 1 dollar worth of change into his hand obviously without touch the hand because I am afraid of AIDS. When he saw a bunch of pennies and nickels in his hand, he looks at me and then throws that change right back at me.
I was furious. I wanted to get out to car and kick his no future, hepetatis having ass but I was so shocked at his asshole move that it took a little while to process in my dome. If you are wondering I have actually kicked a homeless person’s ass before so that’s not beneath me. Back to the story, this dick head of a bum ran off into some alley to do bum things like take a shit on himself.
I was fucking incensced and my friend got into my car. I was like yo I gotta go home for a bit. He asked why. I told him I needed to take a shower.
2) Lindsey Lohan
I rarely call women cunts. Even I have limits. But Lindsey Lohan is a fucking cunt. A dirty sloppy retarded cunt. How is this freckled non contributing zero even relevant? Ok she was hot in Mean Girls but that’s about it.
But she seems to be on the news about her alcohol problems. How she is being mistreated in jail. Its fucking Jail you are supposed to be mistreated and raped in the shower. If jail was a cake walk, I’d commit a shit ton of crimes and get caught on purpose. And it always on the news. Just let her get her teeth kicked in there. Let her have a nervous break down.
She is a prime example of being a product of 2 fucktards. Jizz bucket whore of a mother and douchebag fucktard of a father. They mixed their X’s and Y’s and out came this fucking terrible human being. In words of one of my heroes, “She is a cunt that came out of a cunt’s cunt.” (more…)
Let’s face it. If a guy farts, its hilarious. If a girl farts, she needs to learn some manners. Call it a double standard but I didn’t make up the rules of society so deal with it.
As much as I am a believer of the mantra above, I will let a female fart slide from time to time. I mean if its your significant other, then I guess you need to suck it up. Not literally, of course. Unless you are some kind of freak then I guess you are on the right page.
Anyways, this one is about the wonderful and unwanted present I received from a fuck buddy a while ago.Let me start by saying that one night stand sex is usually a selfish thing. Each person is just horny and needs certain needs taken care of. Even foreplay is just a means to get the other person riled up so that they can give you what you want.
For example, a guy going down on a chick. Aka munching the rug, grubbin on the fish taco, going to arby’s, etc. Well the act itself really doesn’t do anything for the dude. Sure its kinda sexy when the chick is into it but the act itself fulfills 2 things. 1) get that muthafacka wet. You don’t want to be putting cock in a dry hole. Trust me. Sex with a sleeping girl is not cool as it is in porn. 2) get the girl riled up so when it gets on and cracking her inner pornstar would come out.
So back to the fuck buddy. It was late (5am), I texted her and she was down for some SOON DAE so we met up. We skipped all the boring, how was your day what’s going on with you talk and got naked fast. So I ventured downwards and she was feeling it. She reeked of booze and cigarettes but I couldn’t complain because that’s probably what I smelled like. This girl was loud as fuck. So as I am downstairs, just counting the time before I think she is ready to pop, I felt this warm sensation on my neck. She didn’t say anything and I continued for a few seconds until I realized this chick farted. This trifling hoe gave me an invisible scarf and didn’t have the apologize. I stopped and asked her if she had an egg mcmuffin before she came here.
I guess she wanted to deny it til her dying day. I was pissed because I felt completely disrespected but we still boned anyways.
Moral of the Story: It takes a lot to turn down available vagina.
