On a recent trip to Korea, I decided to take a trip to the local massage parlor (AKA whorehouse). Let me back up and start by saying that I am not opposed to paying for sex. As long as the person I am paying for is doing it on their free will. Meaning, they aren’t some sex slave. Sometimes, a guy just doesn’t want to go on dates and deal with what society deemed as the proper way to court a lady. Instead, they just want to satiate a primal urge. A vagina is usually always feels better than your own hand.
So after some ridiculously heavy drinking, my friends and I decided to go to the massage parlor. It was an interesting place because it was a lot different from the ones I’ve been to in LA. Different in the sense that it was way out in the open.
So we get the rundown from the Madam, who happened to be semi hot herself. So she tells us its $120 for one chick and $200 for 2 girls. Knowing a deal when I hear one, I chose the 2 girl combo. So the madam tells me that the first girl will pick us. The second one we are to describe the girl that we want, and the madam will look into her stable to see if anyone fits our specifications.
So for the first round of girls, chicks one by one came into our waiting room with Eyes Wide Shut masks on. Since we didn’t have the opportunity to pick the chick, my friends and I just hoped that the girl that picked us would be decent. So I get picked and the girl leads me to her room, still with the mask on. Once inside, she takes off her mask and I was thoroughly surprised. She was pretty damn cute. So after a little small talk, she got to work and she wasn’t earth shatteringly great but I figured I was her 20th dick of the day so I understand that she wouldn’t be thaaaat thrilled. Once I took off my shirt, she kinda got shocked by the amount of chest hair I have. But all in all she did a decent job and her service was exceptional. If there was a yelp write up, I’d fucking give her 4 stars.
Not sure how to get hard from this…
So after I got done with my session with the cute chick I was led back into the waiting room. The madam asked me what type of girl I wanted next. Being that I was drunk and permanently retarded, I told her I wanted to chick with a lot of curves. I’m in Korea, and those types of girls don’t exist in that country. She tells me she has the perfect girl. She leads me to another room, where my “curvy” whore is at. I was excited because I was happy with the first girl. When the door opened, the girl standing in front of me was not good looking at all. She wasn’t even curvy! The thing that pissed me off was that she looked like she just woke up from a nap. She even had a lil pillow indention on the side of face. I walked in and closed the door behind me. She then said hello while doing a “morning stretch”. I was pretty fucking pissed because it felt like I just wasted my money on a mediocre experience. To calm myself down, I lit a cigarette in the room and she told me I shouldn’t smoke because its bad for my health. My mind was about to explode. I just got health advice from someone you sucks dicks for a living. Ughhh. So I put out the cigarette and we got down to fucking. It was totally an angry fuck. I was pulling this girls hair. I was whispering nonsense in her ear. “Santa Claus aint real” I whispered, which confused the hell out of her. I decided that no one should be sleeping on the job and I hope I taught her a lesson.
Yea that type of morning stretch
When my friends and I left the whorehouse, it was around 10am. I saw people in suits and briefcases going to work, while we just stepped out of a den of sin. But for some odd reason, there was no shame for me. I went again a few days later to take more friends over there. They told us that was a 2hr wait. I left because I thought that was gross but my friends stayed.
Moral of the story: If there is a 2hr wait at a whorehouse, your hooker is busy being filled up at least 2 times before you. You should leave.
This Jeremy Lin Hoopla is getting out of hand. As an Asian American, I am happy for the guy. He is putting up great numbers. Borderline All-Star numbers! Some haters may argue that he hasn’t faced the top teams yet. This argument is valid. Sure they faced the Lakers (my team) but let’s be honest, any decent point guard usually puts up monster numbers against them. People drive past Fisher and Blake like they are homeless people on the street. Some might argue that 8 games is too soon to tell whether he will make be able to keep this up. Again it is a small sample size given that he played most of them games without Amare or Melo. With all that being said, we all know that this dude can play point. He is a solid guard regardless of his race. The dude can straight up play. And yes he needs to fix his high turnover numbers but I’m assuming that will come with him getting more adjusted to the game.
The thing that frustrates me is the pressure that the Asian Americans have put on him. His story is a great one. It’s a perfect underdog story. But its getting out of hand. It started off with Floyd Mayweather and his retarded tweet about how Jeremy Lin is getting all this press cuz he is asian. As much of an idiot, Mayweather is, he is true in the sense that Jlin is getting this press because its odd to see an Asian American point guard doing well. I disagree with Mayweather saying that all black players play like this all time. This is where generalizations lead to problems.
Along those lines, Ms. Jenny Hyun, a songwriter, responded to Mayweather’s tweet with some of the most ignorant shit I have ever read. Ms. Hyun felt compelled to write some of the most racist, borderline Hitler-esque hate speech I have read in a while. I tend to have a shitty gauge for whats politically acceptable but this chick actually go damn that’s fuuccccked up. I haven’t reacted like that in a long time. I actually am more upset with her tweets than Mayweather’s tweets because she suggested eliminating black people and bringing up references to slavery.
This Bitch is retarded!
Then the next media shitstorm came when ESPN used the caption “chink in the armor” to refer to the Knicks first loss under the Lin era. The asian American online folks, the Yellow Panthers as I like to call em, went crazy. They demanded action. ESPN fired the dude that let the caption be put online and suspended the anchor who said it on stage. Even after this, people are still not too happy about it. Personally, I was disappointed because ESPN wouldn’t have dared putting shit up like that referring to blacks, latinos, or any other minority group. They MUST have known that this was a jab at his ethnicity. I actually tried to think of racist headlines for other ethnicities. I came up with a list but that was just to give me a small laugh. SNL’s skit about Jlin was a pretty good attempt at satirizing the situation.
But all this got me to think, that maybe it is impossible for there to be complete racial tolerance in this country. The united states is one of the few countries with a lot of different minorities living together. It is impossible to not see color, as they say. Obviously in metropolises, like LA or NYC, these minorities tend to try to live together but even then it doesn’t work out THAAAAT well. I won’t even get into some of the backwards racist cities and towns I’ve been to in this country. As an American, I have come to accept that even my grandkids will face this type of treatment. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like it but the way to “earn” the respect of other minorities is to be like Jlin. I’m not talking about his ethics and his faith but rather, its his story of not giving up and bust your ass every time you have the opportunity to do so. He don’t talk a lot of game but he definitely backs it up. He is making the most of his time and maybe that is what we should be inspired by.
For the Asian Americans that are on that Jeremy Lin binge, do what you do but if you guys are really fans, then you would support him no matter what. You should ride or die with him no matter how much he rises and falls. I guarantee you he is gonna hit a slump. He is gonna put “sub-par” numbers sooner or later. Let’s not get all crazy because he dunked with no one in the lane. Stop being trend whores. Where was the support when he was riding the bench in Golden State or Houston? He strung together 8 good games and all of a sudden people are making tshirts and scouring youtube for his highlights. Your bandwagon fandom actually bothers me. People that don’t watch sports are now arguing with me on the proper way to run a pick and roll. Get the fuck outta here with that bullshit. Don’t tell me he has scored the most points out of anyone in the first 8 games as a starter. The stat is skewed ! Don’t even dare to say that he is best player in the NBA or that he is greater than Kobe, Lebron, Wade, and other perennial allstars. Just let the kid play and enjoy it. Root for him all you want but don’t deify him.
I wish Jlin all the best and hopefully he secured a starting spot on an NBA roster so that he can continue to do what he loves. In all honesty, that is what I see as his biggest accomplishment. That and the last second shot again Toronto cuz that was pretty fucking dope.
There is this video that is circulating around facebook about this kid that is being bullied and he thought about suicide and what not. And everyone is posting it up about how it’s a powerful video and what not. Here is the video just in case you are wondering…
What the fuck is going on with kids of this generation? Why are they raised to be a bunch of fucking pussies? I wanna start off by saying I don’t condone bullying but if you are a victim them there is an easy fix to it. Punch the muthafucka in the throat.
I grew up being a minority amongst minorities. I needed to fight people physically and verbally to not get shat on every day. But that is how my parents raised me. My dad always said “Don’t start fights but if someone starts one with you then fucking kick his ass.” But now everyone is being coddled and going to therapy and all that other shit that really didn’t exist back when I was growing up. Don’t let yourself be a fucking victim and always hate themselves. Your life aint that bad you fuckers. Plus if you think this is hard then you are in for a treat because life is way harder.
Let’s be honest, not that many people are happy in this world. My life is miserable and lonely,but you don’t see me trying to put a bullet through my skull.
What irks me about this whole thing is that the same people that post this video up are probably doing some bullying themselves. Every rumor you started or spread. All that shit talking you have done is a form of bullying. Yet a lot of yall put up the video for the sake of looking righteous or something. Really? Is it that moving? That it compelled you to put it on your facebook so all your “friends” can see how much of a nice person you are. You are probably a shitty human being as well that would call someone a fag, douche, asshole, slut, whore, etc.
I believe everyone is fucked up to a certain degree. You know that feeling when you hear a fucked up joke and you feel bad for laughing? That’s because you a bit of scum in you. So stop trying to hide all that shit and put up some shitty song lyric, poem, quote, or video to make yourself look like a nice person.
And for the kids being bullied stick up for yourself dammit. No one likes who they are. No one is really proud of where they are at in life. Trust me.
I just want everyone to be real with themselves and the younger generation to stop victimizing themselves.
For quite some time, I was trying to perform for the troops. I have had friends fight in the middle east and everytime I talk to them, they always mentioned how it would be cool for me to go out there and perform so that atleast for that amount of time, they don’t think about the fact that someone is trying to kill them every day.
Whether or not I agree with the US military presence in the middle east and in other parts of the world, these men and women are risking their lives for us. And for that I am grateful and all of you should be too. If not, go fall on a rusty nail you selfish apathetic shit vessel.
Anyways, my manager informed me a few months ago that he got me 13 gigs on various Army posts across the country. I was stoked at the opportunity to perform. I quickly realized that this tour was going to be pretty rough. If you are not aware, a lot of the bases are in the middle of nowhere and they are a pain in the ass to get to.
It was an interesting experience since I was on the road with comics I have never met. Cerrome Russell and A Pair of Nuts (Yamil Piedra and Johnny Trabanco). A lot of times all comics talk about are bits that they do or how shitty their careers are. Trust me after a few hours of this it gets fucking annoying. However, these guys weren’t like that at all. They were fucking cool. Sure there were some posts that needed to up their hospitality game but all in all the tour was very memorable.
From shitty 8 seat planes where I thought I was gonna die for sure. To haunted hacienda rooms, to shitting on the same toilet as Gen. Patton and President/Gen. Eisenhower. That’s right at one post, we got to stay where distinguished Generals stayed in. How many of yall can say you shat on the same toilet as a former president? That’s what I thought muthafackas. Ya boy is big time.
I had a lot of fun and here are some pictures from the road:
I was awarded a coin from the Fort Sill, OK. Unfortunately this was the only coin I received.
Sometimes trailers don’t make you feel baller. This was set up as our greenroom.
If I had this growing up no one would fuck with me.
I was told my room was haunted. I aint scared of ghosts!
But I saw this outside my room and this scared the shit out of me…
This is the church van with wings. I helped fly this thing to St. Louis. The other passengers are retarded for letting me sit co-pilot.
My name is lights. So are A Pair of Nuts, but what about Cerrome? Definitely a tour of Disrespect going on.
Cerrome and I letting people know we about to get foolish on stage.
The mansion we stayed in. Former residents include: General Patton and President Eisenhower.
After the final show at Joint Base Lewis McChord. (Yamil, Me, Cerrome, Johnny)
Thank you to all the men and women who serve in the military. God bless yall and please come home safely.
1) Rude Homeless People…
I have nothing against homeless people. Being homeless can happen to anyone and honestly I just see that as people that got dealt a shitty hand in life poker. However, I am a proponent of people being knowing their place in life. And being a bum means you gotta wait a bit longer than most folks for benefits
One day I went to downtown LA (the California state capital of homeless folks) to pick up my buddy. Being a dude that lags like the internet at the shitty café that I am in, I was parked infront of his place. I didn’t leave the car because I didn’t want one of these dirty smelly muthafuckas to ruin my day and ask me for change.
After about 10 minutes of waiting, a homeless man walks up to my car and knocks on the window. Being a complete idiot, I roll down the window and he asks for some change. He was definitely a bum. His dirty level was at code red. Anyways, I open my ashtray/coin receptacle and get a handful of change.
I put about 1 dollar worth of change into his hand obviously without touch the hand because I am afraid of AIDS. When he saw a bunch of pennies and nickels in his hand, he looks at me and then throws that change right back at me.
I was furious. I wanted to get out to car and kick his no future, hepetatis having ass but I was so shocked at his asshole move that it took a little while to process in my dome. If you are wondering I have actually kicked a homeless person’s ass before so that’s not beneath me. Back to the story, this dick head of a bum ran off into some alley to do bum things like take a shit on himself.
I was fucking incensced and my friend got into my car. I was like yo I gotta go home for a bit. He asked why. I told him I needed to take a shower.
2) Lindsey Lohan
I rarely call women cunts. Even I have limits. But Lindsey Lohan is a fucking cunt. A dirty sloppy retarded cunt. How is this freckled non contributing zero even relevant? Ok she was hot in Mean Girls but that’s about it.
But she seems to be on the news about her alcohol problems. How she is being mistreated in jail. Its fucking Jail you are supposed to be mistreated and raped in the shower. If jail was a cake walk, I’d commit a shit ton of crimes and get caught on purpose. And it always on the news. Just let her get her teeth kicked in there. Let her have a nervous break down.
She is a prime example of being a product of 2 fucktards. Jizz bucket whore of a mother and douchebag fucktard of a father. They mixed their X’s and Y’s and out came this fucking terrible human being. In words of one of my heroes, “She is a cunt that came out of a cunt’s cunt.” (more…)
