Most Badass Asians of All Time #1

Being that I love history and I like it when an asian does well, I decided to give you guys a history lesson on the most badass asians in history. Just to make yall know that we aint some bitches that are just good at math and shit. So here is the first installment of the most badass Asians of All Time!

Yi Soon Shin

Admiral Yi Soon Shin is a hero of Korea and one of the most badass naval commanders in history.

The man was born in Seoul in 1545. He grew up basically doing man-shit like fucking with a sword, riding horses, drinking scotch, etc. He then was enrolled in the Westpoint of Korea. After receiving his diploma he was assigned by Korea to take care of these annoying fuckers called the Jurchens. Jurchens were complete and utter assholes and came to Korea. They  started robbing Koreans for no reason. A very douchebag move if you ask me. Anyways, Yi gets there and starts fucking up these Jurchens. He eventually captured the Jurchen leader and torture the bastard til he died. While the defeating the asshole Jurchens, Yi’s commanding officer was sipping on some pure haterade and said that Yi was straight up bounced during the final scrap with the Jurchens. The king who was a quite a retarded fuck believed the jealous asshole superior and had Yi arrested. He got the living shit beat out of him in jail and when he got out, he had to start from the beginning as a private in the army. That sucks ass.

But Yi wasn’t about to bitch about his situation. He got back in the army and just started coming up in ranks. The dude was soon appointed the head dude of some prestigious military school. He then was appointed Admiral. Yea, no offense David Robinson but this dude was way more badass than you. Anyways, Yi was in charge of building up the Korean Navy. At this time, the Japanese, they did a lot of asshole things back in the day, were knocking on Korea’s door starting some shit. In 1592 a fleet of Japanese warships started some major shit with Korea.

Here is something important to note. Even though Yi was appointed Admiral, the dude had zero experience in naval warfare. He didn’t know shit. Hell, the Korean Navy was pretty much like the LA Clippers of the warfare game. They fucked around and everyone punked on them. So Yi has to face the Japanese Nave who got all kinds of crazy shit going for them. They got samurais, ninjas, and all kinds of other crazy people but Yi didn’t really give a shit.

His first naval battle was the Battle of Okpo. He had 54 ships compared to Japan that had more than 70. (Not a math whiz but Japan had a clear advantage) This didn’t matter though because Korea put a hurting on the Japanese forces. To top that off Korea reported zero injuries. How in the fuck do you not have a single injury in a battle?!

The next battle was the Battle of Sacheon. Yi saw a gang of Japanese troops who landed so they could jack the Korean settlement there. Yi was not happy with this douchebaggery and he sunk ever Japanese warship in the harbor. He then went over to the Japanese commander and bitch slapped him to death. In this battle, Yi was got shot in the shoulder. The dude didn’t even say ouch like most people would.

He got into a gang of battles in 1592 and he won ever single battle that year. He sunk hundreds of enemy ships and only 11 of his men were wounded. None of his men died. He was the Phil Jackson of Admirals except he never lost.

Yi was also known for building “Turtle Ships”. Sure it sounds queer but them ships were like floating tanks. They had metal plating with steel spikes sticking out of them. Meaning if some Japanese ninja or samurai thought they were gonna jump on board, they better think twice because you probably gonna get kebab’ed. In addition, these Turtle ships at lots of guns, a cannon, and a nose that acted like a battering ram. Yi used this ships to just ram the shit out of the enemy. This wasn’t finesse folks. He would play bumper ships with these Japanese boats and pretty much watched his enemies drown to death. That’s a cold blooded dude right there.

Even with all these odds stacked against him, Yi kept on whooping Japan ass. He kicked so much as the Japanese General Toyotomi Hideyoshi told his Admirals not to go against the Korean Navy because they were getting the living shit kicked out of them. Soon an armistice was signed between Korea and Japan.

But peace didn’t last long because the Japanese were conniving little fucks. They managed to have a double agent in the Korean court. This traitorous bastard convinced the Korean King to order Yi to move is crew to an area called the Chilchon Straits. Japan set a trap here but like I said early the Korean King couldn’t lead shit. When Yi received the order from the King, he gave the messenger the middle finger and refused to go because he knew this was all bullshit. Yi was once again arrested and got the shit and piss beat out of him for disobeying the King. While Yi was locked up, the command was given to this dumbfuck named Won Gyun. He was a stupid fuck that probably needed to be put in special education classes. Anyways, this dipshit followed the King’s orders and retardedly sailed the Korean Navy to Chilchon Straits. 169 ships and 30,000 men went into Chilchon. 13 ships and 200 men came out. Battle was over in a few hours. In a span of less than an NBA game, more than 20,000 Korean soldiers died. The Japanese fucked up the Korean Navy and caught Won Gyun. They made him into sashimi and pretty much shat and pissed on the dead Korean sailors. Must feel nice since they pretty much destroyed the whole Korean Navy in one battle.

The King decided that he kinda fucked up and put Yi back in charge. When Yi got back to work, he understood that his navy was in pretty bad shape. But this is the badass gangsta shit that he said after looking at his inventory:

“I still have thirteen ships.  As long as I am alive, the enemies will never gain the Western Sea.”

In 1597, Yi took his 13 ships and went to battle with the entire Japanese Army. In the Battle of Myeongnyang, Yi and his 13 ships went up against 300 Japanese ships. If I was a betting man, I would have bet my whole life savings on Japan especially with these types of odds. Thank god I didn’t call a bookie because Korea won. Yi pretty much positioned his force to block this narrow strait-ala- SPARTA style. When all was said and done, Yi’s men sunk 123 ships and killed about 12,000 Japanese sailers including the head Japanese Admiral. Wanna know how many were wounded in team Korea? 3 were wounded and only 2 were killed.

This was the turning point of the war. The Chinese finally decided to help out and joined Korea. At the Battle of Noryan, 150 Korean and Chinese ships went after 500 Japanese ships, who were on the run back to Japan. Getting their ass beat all the way home is a pussy move if you asked me. While he was chasing the Japanese, Yi was mortally wounded, shot in the chest to be exact. He was all about winning. His last words were, “The battle is at it’s height.  Do not announce my death.” Basically, he told everyone to shut the fuck up til the war was over.  Whatever raft or canoe was left of the Japanese navy went back home and cried like little bitches. They asked for peace and the war was over. So here is to you Admiral Yi Soon Shin. You are truly one of the most badass Asians to have ever lived.