UCLA Dorm Years Part II
During the second year I had a roommate. Let’s call him Harry. Harry was an interesting dude. He was smart. Like scary smart. My taekwondo instructor met him once and said I should be nice to him because he looks like he could probably blow up a building or something. He kinda looks like the Korean dude that shot up all those students at Virginia Tech.
Anyways, Harry was pretty cool with me. Our room had close to 200 dollars worth of hard liquor all the time. Whiskey and Scotch was what we drank. We were fucking 19 at this point. Anyways, Harry was dating this chick and one day I guess they decided they should have sex. Which is great but I was in the room. They thought I was sleeping but I was awake.
I was “sleeping” on my side, facing them. I realized they were about to have sex but if I made any sudden movements, that would throw off their horniness. So being the homie that I am I had to stay still. The thing is, I don’t mind watching porn or watching sex but that is because the chicks are usually hot or have nice bodies. This chick filled none of those requirements. So as I am laying there, I see her mounting Harry. Just pale ass going up and down really didn’t sit well with me. I wanted to throw up so I decided to move but again, I didn’t want to make a sudden movement because Harry is my homie.
So keeping the rest of my body completely still, I slowly started moving my head the other direction. I had to stay in that position for a long time. Fucker was taking too long. I was in the most uncomfortable position possible. My body was facing one way and my head was facing 180 degrees of my body. It was very Exorcist-esque. So finally they finish. But they start talking, since that is what a lot of girls like to do after sex. I wanted to slam icicles with AIDs juice into my ears because it was some of the dumbest fucking things ever uttered out of a human’s mouth. That is when I moved my whole body to catch up with my face. Damn, the things I would do for friends.
Another interesting story was one about this girl named Amy (not her real name but if she reads this, she might sue me). Anyways, Amy really liked my best friend Terry. Like really wanted to have his babies, liked him. The thing is, she was pretty damn gross looking. She looked like animal from the Muppet Babies. She was not hot at all. Sure this sounds mean but let’s be honest, she was busted and no guy with reasonable standards would want to be out in public with her. They say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. I say to them, sometimes when the cover is too fucked up you just don’t want to read the book.
Anyways, Amy, Terry, and I were in the same calculus class. If you don’t know me, I try to get to things a little earlier because I hate being late. Terry who happened to be already near class was already infront of the courtyard facing the lecture hall. He was talking to some chick about something while Amy was there and it looked like she was waiting to talk to him. Like he is some ride at an amusement park. I am sure she would have loved to ride him. So from afar I see this situation, so I figured I would have to fall on the grenade because I am a dope friend like that.
I walk into the scene with the most depressed face ever. Amy happens to see this and comes up to me and asks what’s wrong. I make up this story about how I bombed a midterm or something. I never bomb tests btw. I am a genius like that. Anyways, she says “Aww” and give me a hug. Terry sees this and give me that look. That you are a fucking down ass homie look. I gave him the “imma fucking kick you in the throat look” Obviously, Amy didn’t see any of this. I think she thought if she got to his best friend then she could have an “in” with Terry. Stupid bitch. So after the hug she goes, “we are gonna be late for class” and grabs my hand and leads me into the lecture hall. I look back and Terry is laughing his ass off. Throughout the class, I text terry over and over again how I am gonna shit on his pillow and things of that nature. I couldn’t stand Amy and I was not about to sit the next 2 hours next to her. So eventually, I made some excuse that I wasn’t feeling well and told her to take notes for me. I left walked outta class and Terry followed me. Damn you Terry!
