1250 Westgate Part I
During my junior year of college, my friends and I had to move out of the dorms. UCLA guarantees housing for 2 years, but after that you are on your own. My friend’s dad purchased a condo for us to live in (not for free). The funny thing about the leasing agreement with his dad was that he wrote the contract wrong (FOB). So technically, the contract stated that he needed to pay us for living there. But I let it slide because it was a fucking dope ass condo. It was a 3 bedroom condo that was 2 stories. The first month we moved in we threw a house warming party and wrecked the place.
We invited people and it got to a point where there were about 150 people in the whole place. There was a lot of booze and a lot of other things going on. As always with a bunch of Asians, there were a few scuffles. The police came by 3 times. We offered the cop some beer and he just told us to keep it down. Fucker took the beer. Dirty pig!
That was the most drunk I have ever been in my life. I got so drunk, I spent half the time in the bathroom. I vomited things I didn’t know I ate. I ended up blacking out on the toilet. I am assuming I did because I had a bruise the shape of a toilet bowl on my chest. I woke up the next day to see our dope place in shambles. Beds were broken, one toilet was broken and the place just looked like the inside of a crack house. Trust me on this, I know what the inside of a crack house looks like. So I woke up some of the roommates to attempt to clean the house. The problem was we were all hung over.
At the time, we had 2 girls (Gumby and Shoulder Pads) subletting for a few weeks. They were friends of mine and cool chicks. We all started cleaning and we found something totally unexpected at our place. We found a still moist thong in the laundry room. We were trying to figure out who would just leave that kind of underwear at a stranger’s place. I asked Gumby and Shoulder Pads if the sticky undergarment belonged to them. They swore it wasn’t theirs. Although I gave em shit for it, I believed them. They weren’t whores. Then comes a knock on our door. When we opened it, it was a boxed filled with cigarette butts. The neighbor downstairs said that it was all from our party. She didn’t look too pleased. I said sorry and slammed the door on her face. There would be nothing good coming out of that talk. We tried to clean as best as we could but it wasn’t even close to looking like what it looked like when we moved in a month ago.
My 20th Birthday
A few months after we moved in, my roommates wanted to throw me a birthday party. They had the brilliant idea of hiring a stripper for my birthday. The stripper would come to our place and give us a private show. So my friends were on a gang of websites. They wanted to find the perfect stripper. They told me to invite whoever I wanted so invited some friends and told them a stripper was coming.
20 dudes came through. Lots of beer and booze was available. According to the website, an extra fee would be incurred if we wanted the session videotaped. Being poor yet crafty college students, we set up a shitty Logitech webcam from the second floor of our place. I haven’t seen the footage in years, and hopefully that thing doesn’t resurface but my friends are assholes so one day you will all see the whole session.
Anyways, the stripper finally arrives. She comes in with her “bodyguard”. The bodyguard looked like a taller Jonah Hill. The stripper looked very hot on the website but she looked a little weathered in person. Fuck you photoshop! So the stripper gets to work and starts giving us a show. Then she pulls me into the center of room. She strips me to my boxers and tells me to get on all fours. I was thinking bitch you are the whore you should be the one on all fours but I amused her wishes. She then asks my buddy SP for a belt. That fucker gave her the widest fucking belt ever. Last time I saw a belt like that it was around the waist of Hulk Hogan. I was drunk so the liquid courage kicked in. I figure I have been in tons of fights in my life and this lil coke head stripper wasn’t gonna hurt me. It was my birthday dammit. She wouldn’t hurt me! Well I was wrong. I knew something was up when she was whirling the belt in the air to rev up to hit me. The belt was whistling at a pretty high frequency. Then slap. The bitch hit me and caught me with the belt buckle. I wanted to get up and punch her in her taint. But all the other guys were laughing and I figured if it is funny, I will endure. She smacked me a few more times and that was that.
Then she tells me to lay on my back. She then takes a quarter and puts it on my nose. She then takes off her underwear and stands up above me and picks up the quarter without using her hands. The dirty whore squatted on my face and picked up currency with her vagina. Although she was nicely shaven and smelled of Johnson and Johnson baby oil, I was not happy with what she did. I thought for sure I had AIDS on my nose.
The shitty thing about the whole ordeal is that even though, I told the people that a stripper was coming a week in advance, none of the guys brought cash. I feel bad for my roommates that brought the stripper over because they had to go to the ATM and get more cash. I am sorry guys but the message of this story is, my friends are better than yours.
