Tales of a Scumbag #14

Internet Dating (Fail)

During college, things like Myspace and Facebook were not available. The popular site especially amongst my buddies was Asianavenue.com. It was this website where you can search through people’s profiles. Most of my friends would look at girls and just for the fuck of it message them. Well my buddy SP met a girl (YK) via Asianavenue and they eventually got married. YK is a real cool girl. She was always down and it must have been tough for her to hang out with people at our apartment. I would have to say that everyone that lived at the condo were bon-a-fide assholes. There was almost never a moment anyone could leave our guards down. YK was cool enough to be able to hang out with us and tolerate assholes like me all the time.

Anyways, seeing this rare success story gave the rest of the people in the condo hope in finding a cool girl online. Sure you may frown on internet dating but if it works and you meet someone cool why the fuck not. So everyone else started going on dates via this site.

I met a few girls too. Hell, the first chick I met. I picked her up from her dorm room (she went to another school). When I got to her dorm complex, there was this dude standing outside her place. He was just standing there like some fucking stalker. I thought this was a bit odd. I called the girl to come down and it turns out that the guy standing there was her bf. They broke up 3 days before. For those that know me you know how I love drama right? Anyways, I get out of the car as she is walking down and her ex-bf is talking all this shit. Then he realizes that the love of his life is gonna go on a date with me. This is when he snapped. The shit talking went from her to me. I told him if he knew what was good for him he should just walk away. This is a line I like to say because it fucks with a dude’s ego and for sure he would want to fight me. I knew from the beginning that if we had to throw down I would annihilate him. Well, he didn’t take to kindly to my words and decided to knuckle up. My original assessment of his fighting prowess was quickly proven to be true. He swung, I dodged and threw a shot to his left eye. I could have sworn thunderbolts and fireballs were coming out of my fist. I felt the sound of bone breaking. Once I connected, he crumpled like jenga. The girl just stayed there in shock. She didn’t think something like this would happen. Her ex bf was on the ground bleeding and just started talking more shit. A part of me wanted to stomp him out some more but I had to take this girl on a date.

So we get in the car and she apologizes for what happened. What a great start to a date! I wanted to punch the girl for being a heartless bitch. The date was pretty whack. I guess it was due to the fact that I was still angry about the fight. I was pissed because I was thinking what if we were together and this bitch does this to me. I made her laugh and I knew she was digging me but I just couldn’t get myself to just forget my thoughts and fuck her. So I took her back to her place after dinner and drinks. She gave me a kiss but I pulled back. She left and I never called her again. She called a few times but I think she got the point.

As I am writing this, I am thinking I should have fucked her anyways but when I was younger, I was a more upstanding human being.

Asianavenue Disaster

So the fight with the ex was kinda bad but not even close to the disaster that happened with my buddy Cashmoney. Cashmoney calls me into his room one day and shows me a chick that he is talking to in the Midwest. The pictures were taken in a very peculiar angle. First of all, she used her desk lamp as her light source. She then angled the camera above her head and she also angled her head down. Sure we can see both eyes, nose, and lips but at that angle, even Condoleezza Rice would look hot. I just told Cashmoney she looks ok. He then informs me that she is coming to visit him the following week.

I figured she is some kind of crazy whore because who would meet a dude online that is in another state just to visit him? Yes she was gonna stay with him/us. So the day of arrival finally arrives and Cashmoney starts to head to the airport. Before he left, he had the look of a kid on Christmas day in a white household. (Christmas at Korean Households kinda sucks). Anyways, I am very curious to meet this chick too. So within an hour or so, Cashmoney is back. When I turn around to see the chick, I felt the urge to laugh really hard. The girl did not look like anything in the picture. Not even close! She introduces herself and I was trying really hard not to look at her face. Way too pale. Eyes really far away from the center (think Brandy). Teeth were going in many different directions. Cashmoney stood behind her and he had the look of utter shocked. It’s like he got promised a car and realized the car was a Hyundai. He didn’t seem happy at all.

So Midwesttroll planned to stay with Cashmoney for a week. She didn’t know a soul in LA. While Cashmoney was out at work, I was in the living room getting a little studying done for an upcoming midterm. Midwesttroll was also in the living room studying. I asked her what she was studying and she said “AP”. I asked if she was on Academic Probation at her college. She laughed and said “no for Advanced Placement”. I realized right then that Midwesttroll is a high school student. Cashmoney brought over a high school chick from the Midwest to bang. I didn’t ask her how old she was because I didn’t want to know whether or not my buddy was gonna get locked up for Statutory Rape.

Cashmoney tried his best to pretend to be busy. This way he would avoid the condo as much as possible which in turn meant he was gonna avoid Midwesttroll as much as possible. The poor beast would sit in his room all day to wait for him. We all felt a lil bad so every now and again we would give her water and food. She was like our pet.

One night we were drunk/high and chilling in the living room. Cashmoney was starting to pass out on the couch. Midwesttroll, with her wonderful sense of humor, decided it would be funny to draw on Cashmoney’s face. Which I wasn’t against, but she drew on him with a yellow highlighter. Cashmoney is Asian, so he is already possessed a yellowish hue to him. What a fucking idiot this chick was! Anyways, things got a lil intense because Cashmoney is an extremely light sleeper. He woke up while Midwesttroll was drawing things on his face. I have never seen the guy that mad in my life. He yanks away the highlighter and breaks it in half and throws it to the corner of the living room. We all looked in shocked. I thought Cashmoney was gonna punch the troll right square in the face but he didn’t. Statutory rape is one thing but assault would not be good on his record. He stormed into the room and Midwesttroll just stayed on the couch. She left and Cashmoney made us swear not to ever bring her up again. I guess I shouldn’t even write this but only 7 people know who Cashmoney is so I figure it’s all good.