Tales of a Scumbag #19

I started dating this girl right after college. She was damn cool. Things were going great. After being together for a while, I really had that forever feeling about her. She is probably the only person I ever told that I loved. I was gonna marry this girl. I started saving up a gang of money to buy that engagement ring. Thinking of countless ways to propose to her and knock her socks off because of those crazy fucking De Beers commercials.

Then things took a turn for the worse. We started arguing. Rather she was yelling at me and me just wondering why fuck this is happening. Why did this chick, who I thought I could see myself for the rest of my life with, change? Things got really rocky.

Pregnancy Scare

During the time period that things were shitty between us. I guess I made an effort to try to fix our relationship so we decided to go to a resort and just get away and have a nice weekend together. We get to the resort. It was fucking beautiful. We had a great dinner, we then headed to the hot tub and frolicked for a bit. Then we made our way back to our hotel room. Things were going great. We start playing bedroom baseball and she stops me at 2nd base. She says that she hasn’t had her period in a few months. I was thinking, you could have told me this last month. Obviously I didn’t say this because I didn’t want to come off like an asshole. This is not a good thing for all you young kids reading this.

So like any panicking boyfriend I suggested a semi solution to this problem. “Want me to go get a pregnancy test?” This was the shitty suggestion I threw out into the air. Like flock of pigeons, these words exited my mouth and fluttered into the sky. She thought it was a great idea. So I proceed to call the concierge to ask where the nearest open pharmacy is. He tells me that the nearest Rite Aid is 5 miles away. So I get the directions and head over to Rite Aid at 3AM. This was one errand I was not looking forward to.

So I get to the place and to my surprise, the Rite Aid was not empty at all. Everyone in the building was old white ladies. They were buying their denture glue, Ensure, and adult diapers. Then there was me with a bottle of advil and a pregnancy test. All the old ladies were looking at me like I was raised wrong. Why are pregnancy tests so damn expensive? So I purchase the items and feel the stares of the old ladies. First Pearl Harbor now this is what I assume they were thinking.

So I am driving back to the hotel with many crazy thoughts in my head. If she is preggo what do I do? Should I kick her in the stomach when she is sleeping? What do I do? My headache was amplified at this point. I finally get back to the hotel after what felt like an eternity. My girl pisses on the stick and we wait for a while. Turns out she aint pregnant. She then proceeds to get back in the mood again to bump uglies. In my head, I wanted to shake her and yell, “do you know what the fuck you just put me through?!” But I didn’t. Guys just don’t reject free pussy.


Things didn’t really get better. She eventually cheated on me and that was the back breaker. We broke up and I went into some of the craziest modes of my life after that. I pretty much went apeshit with the drugs and alcohol. I don’t regret it though. I learned something about myself through this ordeal though. The lesson learned was, I am a fucking chump.