Tales of a Scumbag #24

Too Fat for My Bones part 2

Very recently, I went to be thinking there is this weird lingering pain on my right foot. I didn’t recall hurting it but it was throbbing. I thought nothing of it and went to sleep. When I woke up, the pain was all over my foot and ankle. Pretty swollen and my foot was purple. I thought maybe it is just a stress fracture.

You see I just got off a month long tour where I did a lot of walking. Well a lot of walking for my lazy standards. Anyways, I figured it is my body tell me to calm down and relax. I let it linger for a few days and my pain got worse. I had to call my homie to get me some crutches. Unfortunately the crutches were made for people 5 ft and shorter.

So doing my best impression of Tiny Tim, I finally called the doctor to get my foot X-rayed. So I get to the podiatrist office and it I got my foot examined. Turns out my foot isn’t broken. Instead, they said that I have gout.

For those that don’t know what that is, let me explain. Gout occurs when there is uric acid built up in the joints. The uric acid crystallizes and pretty much fucks you day up. Red meat, alcohol, and a gang of other things are the reasons for uric acid in the body.

So the doc tells me that I should avoid red meat and alcohol. When he told me that, I almost cried. He just told me not to partake in 2 of my 3 favorite things. If he said I couldn’t have sex anymore as well, I would have stabbed the doctor for sure. He said I should also stay away from broccoli and spinach. Phew, now I have an excuse of not eating those awful things!

The shitty thing about this whole situation is that most of my friends like to hang out at bars. That means I gotta order coke and water that the bar. I have become who I made fun of all these years. Ughh. I gotta eat like a hippie d-bag now. UGH if you see me order a veggie burger I give you full permission to point and laugh at me. Thanks.