Tales of a Scumbag # 26

I have a friend, we will call him Bob, and he has to be one of the most Unique people I know. He is a very nice guy but he has a bit of a wild side to him. The man is kinda hooked on banging girls. You might think that all guys are hooked on it but from my knowledge, this guy is on another level.

Anyways, Bob will tag almost any chick. As long as they aren’t way gross. I have said that he is the slayer of mediocrity. Meaning if the girl is a 3-6, move out the way because Bob will go holler.

One night, Bob hit me up at 4am. He was clearly drunk and with an urgent tone he said “Get your ass over here right now!” I was thinking what the fuck is going on. But this guy is a riot so I decided to get in my car and head to his place. When I get there, I call him and he comes downstairs.

This dude is smashed beyond normal. He tells me “You are gonna get laid tonight! You can thank me later” I was like WTF is this guy getting at. He tells me he brought a couple of girls from the club home and they are big fans of my work. He says, “Dude they are good to go!” On the elevator ride up, he tells me where he puts his condoms. “You are definitely gonna need some tonight!” He hyped it way up.

As we get to the door, he goes “the smaller one is mine”. I should have known that once the door opened, to not expect really hot chicks. And yes there was a big difference from the smaller one and the other one. The smaller one had a face of an onion. So let’s call her Onion. The other one was pretty big. She was my build. So lets call her Danielle.

Onion and Danielle were kinda giggling when I walk in. I say hello and they were pretty smashed too. Bob sits next to Onion and puts his arm around her. I seat myself next to Danielle and we exchange pleasantries. I wanted to kill Bob but hey, I figure he is a buddy and I needed to fall on the grenade.

Bob is trying his best to say some cool shit to get Onion into his room. She plays that typical girl that says she aint that kinda girl but she probably has seen more dick than a urinal. So she gets a phone call so she goes into the room. Bob waits a sec and then goes into the room. This left me and Danielle alone. She offers me some scotch which I wholeheartedly accept because I figured if I had to bump uglies with the female version of me I needed to get smashed. I immediately felt sorry for all past ex girlfriends.

Anyways, within a few minutes, you can hear the rhythmic sound of the headboard hitting the wall. Danielle looks at me and asks “What do you think they are doing?” I wanted to look at her and be like are you retarded. They having sex you clueless tard. One thing that really shuts down my sex drive is stupidity. I was limper than Stephan Hawkin’s legs. I just shrug and try to keep her occupied at least until Gyodano was done taxing Onion.

Soon the sounds of the headboard and wall stopped yet I kept on hearing some moaning. I guess they decided to take it to the floor. “Are they having sex?” asked the dumbass sitting next to me. I said, “ I think so. Lucky them…” And coolly took a sip of my 4th glass of scotch. Danielle starts to scoot real close to me now. I was pissed because she is throwing heat at me. Heat not just as in, the fuck me vibes, but also body heat as in it was a thick bitch and she gave off heat. So after downing my 5th glass of scotch I was not feeling it and had to figure out a way to keep her company.

I asked so where do you live. Female Me responds, “(a city that’s far from here)” I thought even if I smashed her, I would have to take this chick to her place. She wasn’t even worth gas. I was like “Wow, how you getting home?” She put on her puppy dog eyes (more like St. Bernard) and then said that she usually calls a taxi. I commended her on her not drinking and driving and asked if she needed me to call her a taxi. She seems a bit disappointed and responds that she knows the number.

After some time passes and the movie on the tv stopped playing she looks at her watch and goes “Wow its pretty late, I should get going” I tell her yes it is. She calls the taxi to come get her and she asks if I am spending the night at the place. I tell her I am gonna leave but Ill leave when the taxi comes pick her up. She still seemed disappointed that I wasn’t gonna make a move on her. Finally the taxi comes and she gets up and I see her in all her glory. I walk her to the car and she hugs me. The sun was coming up and it was a bit cold but it was the first time a girl hugged me and I felt like I had a blanket on. Amazing!

Danielle if you are reading this I am sorry that we didn’t have sex. It’s totally not your fault, its me.