Tales of a Scumbag # 27

Good Ole Vegas!

The overly used slogan, “Whatever happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas” is quite possibly one of the dumbest phrases. Gonorrhea does not clear up once you pass the state line. If you lose your life savings due to your shitty gambling problem, that shit will be felt for a while. But most importantly, the memories and the debauchery in Vegas will last a lifetime.

I have been to Las Vegas quite a few times but there is one memory that sticks out of the rest.

I went to Vegas this particular time because it was a friend’s bachelor party. Although he had a Best Man (I wasn’t even a groomsman) I was put in charge of planning out the festivities. They said that when it comes to getting into trouble, I am definitely the one that should to lead the group. I was kind of stressed out because they told me this when I got to the hotel.

So after a few minutes to think, I decided that I would need some help. I go downstairs and find that the concierge was a fellow Korean. I talk to him about dilemma that I was in. He tells me that he would help me with my excursion. I was thinking damn this is when Korean Pride works in your favor. So my new buddy tells me to get all the boys ready for the time of their lives.

Once we get downstairs, there is a ridiculous limo waiting for us. When I mean ridiculous, I mean it looked like a fucking big rig. It was awesome! Mr. Concierge said that this is gonna be on the house. What a good guy I thought. He directs the driver of the big rig to take us to a certain strip club.

We get there and the place was popping off. Girls were fine. They smelled nice. No C-section scars or cigarette burns. They were good. After a few hours of getting titty glitter mashed onto our faces, we were kind of bored and needed wanted to get into some more shit. I call Mr Concierge and said, “Yo, this place is cool but we want to get into more trouble.” He was like I got you Hyung! He says he will send the limo over and take us to the next place. After about 5 minutes, back comes the freight truck. The driver had a smirk in his eyes. He said you guys are gonna have some wild times tonight.

We were already kind of drunk but more drinking was being done in the limo. After a short drive, we ended up at a place completely off the Vegas strip. We were in a ghetto looking strip mall. I was kind of confused because this place didn’t look so classy. It looked pretty grimey. We all thought it was a more lenient strip club. We were totally wrong.

We walk in and it turns out Mr. Concierge was as bit of a freak. He took us to a swingers club. For all of you that are not familiar with this sort of establishment, let me fill you in. It’s a club where you can fuck. And there was a lot of fucking going on. There were a bunch of trailer trash women and dudes with trucker hats just getting down everywhere. As much as I am down for perverted shit, I was a little bit taken aback. The stench of Clorox hit me directly in the face. The floors were surprisingly not sticky. Anyways, it was not a fun place. The thing that really did it for me and made almost cry in the corner, was this older gentleman. This dude was a hairy old creepy fuck. He was pure naked and sitting in the corner of the club with nothing around him. He was staring blankly off in the distance and he was just jerking off. There was nothing in his periphery. I was like if you gonna do that why not do that shit at home. But this dude paid cover to jerk off. 1) It’s a big fucking waste of money. 2) It’s just pure creepy. Jerking off should be done in private. You can do it in your car while driving but don’t do that shit with strangers around. That’s just not classy. Anyways, after a good 30-40 minutes, we left the place. Everyone seemed like they say babies getting raped and murdered. We didn’t say shit to each other on our way back to the hotel. When we got back, Mr. Concierge looked at me and asked , “Crazy right?!” I was told him “ Yea man, thanks for your help. It was an experience I will never forget.” He replies, “I know right! We Korean brothers need to stick together.” I gave him some daps and left.

Mr Concierge thanks for making me think about going into therapy. As much as I love my Korean people, you are one person I might have to think twice about hanging out with.