Contrary to what people think, I used to be pretty smooth with chicks at an early age. I was a cute kid. Unfortunately, as I grew older and fatter, I started looking like Kim Jong Il. Here are some tales of the inner pimp in me.
East LA is a wonderful place. Whores, crack dealers, police, gangs, you name it we have it. At the age of 4, I was enrolled in a preschool called Murchinson preschool. I didn’t know a word of English but it was ok because none of the Mexican kids spoke English either. The teachers were nice. I had 2 teachers in preschool. One of the teachers, Mrs. B, was a sweet old white lady. She was great with the kids. I remembered her because she loved to give hugs and she smelled of old perfume and oatmeal cookies.
The other teacher was Ms. Lopez. She always dressed up like a tranny-stripper. She had lots of makeup on and loved to wear clothes that revealed lots of skin. Bitch had an adam’s apple too. She smelled like baby oil.
Murchinson is where I had my first “girl friend”. Can you believe that? At the age of 4! Her name was Virginia. She was the prettiest girl in class. She didn’t speak any English and neither did I but I recall that we always held hands and kissed. I guess it became too much for the teachers because I remember being scolded many times for kissing her. But my pimp days were not over.
The next year, I was enrolled in a private school in East LA. Private school in East LA meant that most of the teachers were nuns. Everything else is the same in terms of curriculum. So for Kindergarten, I had my second girlfriend. Her name was Jessica Murphy. She was ¼ Japanese, ¼ Irish, ½ Mexican. She was Tiger Woods without much athletic prowess. Anyways, during the first day there, she comes up to me and motions for me to go play with her on the swings. I didn’t really know what she was saying because I didn’t learn shit preschool. So I go play with her. I push this cute bitch around and when recess is over she grabs my hand. I guess our parents thought it was cute. However, my teacher was this mean bitch of a nun. Sister Magdalena! She hated that me and Jessica were so close and actually when she caught is kissing in the playground she took me to the principal’s office. They even called my parents. The funny thing about the whole incident is that my parents both came because they thought it was something serious. They didn’t speak any English so it was basically these two fucked up nuns trying to explain to my parents that I was kissing this girl. However, my parents didn’t understand what they were saying so the nuns were playing charades to show what happened. When my parents understood what happened, they were pissed. Not at the fact that I was kissing a girl but because they took time off of their work for some stupid reason. When I got home, they whooped my ass.
Its seriously hard out there for a pimp.
