Tales of a Scumbag #31

Let’s face it. If a guy farts, its hilarious. If a girl farts, she needs to learn some manners. Call it a double standard but I didn’t make up the rules of society so deal with it.

As much as I am a believer of the mantra above, I will let a female fart slide from time to time. I mean if its your significant other, then I guess you need to suck it up. Not literally, of course. Unless you are some kind of freak then I guess you are on the right page.

Anyways, this one is about the wonderful and unwanted present I received from a fuck buddy a while ago.Let me start by saying that one night stand sex is usually a selfish thing. Each person is just horny and needs certain needs taken care of. Even foreplay is just a means to get the other person riled up so that they can give you what you want.

For example, a guy going down on a chick. Aka munching the rug, grubbin on the fish taco, going to arby’s, etc. Well the act itself really doesn’t do anything for the dude. Sure its kinda sexy when the chick is into it but the act itself fulfills 2 things. 1) get that muthafacka wet. You don’t want to be putting cock in a dry hole. Trust me. Sex with a sleeping girl is not cool as it is in porn. 2) get the girl riled up so when it gets on and cracking her inner pornstar would come out.
So back to the fuck buddy. It was late (5am), I texted her and she was down for some SOON DAE so we met up. We skipped all the boring, how was your day what’s going on with you talk and got naked fast. So I ventured downwards and she was feeling it. She reeked of booze and cigarettes but I couldn’t complain because that’s probably what I smelled like. This girl was loud as fuck. So as I am downstairs, just counting the time before I think she is ready to pop, I felt this warm sensation on my neck. She didn’t say anything and I continued for a few seconds until I realized this chick farted. This trifling hoe gave me an invisible scarf and didn’t have the apologize. I stopped and asked her if she had an egg mcmuffin before she came here.

I guess she wanted to deny it til her dying day. I was pissed because I felt completely disrespected but we still boned anyways.

Moral of the Story: It takes a lot to turn down available vagina.