Tales of a Scumbag #32

I would like to say that if a woman comes over to your place or hotel room after drinks, that is a clear sign that fucking should happen real soon. It should be common knowledge by now and if a chick goes to your house or hotel after 1am after drinks and gets shocked and appalled when the dude makes a move she is a total selfish and clueless jizz jar. Any dude that has the fortitude to resist sleeping with the girl deserves a medal for being a fucking pussy.

Well I am a recent recipient of such medal and I am still stewing over the missed opportunity for some vagina. Guys will usually think about a missed hook up opportunity like a chick misses a warehouse sale from their favorite brand.

So very recently, I got a message from a cute girl I met a while ago. She said she wanted to hang out and also for me to meet her friends. I am not sure if this was a show and tell situation or more of a “I wanna see you Danny because of your charisma and sheer sexiness” situation. I’m gonna go with option 2 because that is what boosts my ego.

Anyways, we set a place to meet up and at the arranged time I get there. I meet her friends who seemed like nice people. They were visiting from out of town and apparently were fans of mine. It was nice to meet them but I realized I had no business being there. So I disregarded that I have an ailment that forbids me from drinking, and got me some Jameson. Cute Girl orders a drink as well. The night ends with me about 3 cups of Jameson deep. Cute Girl had about 3 random cocktails as well.

I’d like to state that, I have seen this girl drink before and even though she ain’t a heavy drinker or anything, I knew her to be able to handle 3 drinks.

So at the end of night, I say my goodbyes to the out of towners and when I looked at Cute Girl I could tell she was in no way, shape, or form ready to drive. She was drunk. I was surprised because she was slurring a bit and acting tipsy. The pervert/guy side of me was thinking she is good to go. Inebriation is almost always a requisite for a one night stand.  Then it got a little weird. She keeled over and started to puke her soul out. I’ve seen chicks throw up but this was a bit more excessive. Immediately my boner said Good Game and left.

Contrary to public notion, I do have a heart and realized her driving at this state would get her killed so I got a hotel room nearby and put her there. On the way to the hotel she looks at me and says, “I am trusting you oppa.” The words sound sweet on paper but I took it to mean if you touch me Imma holler rape. Boner completely disappeared.

As we are walking to the hotel room, I realized a few of the other doors were propped open. For all you innocent readers that come to my blog to learn something, a propped open door in hotels usually mean hookers are working them rooms. So here I am with the thought of sex branded on my brain yet on my arm is Cute Girl, barely conscious who yaked up about 2 days worth of food.

We get into the room and she immediately knocks out. I realized my window of having sex with the girl was completely closed. Sleepy vagina is never a fun thing. Have you ever had to have sex with a chick that is sleeping in fetal position? You gotta spit on your own penis and get into a weird sideways yoga position. Plus that is kinda borderline rape. But the fact that there is very attractive girl in my hotel room and we are both clothed really drove me nuts. So to fight from  going insane, I go outside to smoke a cigarette. I hear clients going in and out of the hooker rooms which didn’t help my horniness. Furthermore, there was no atm in sight. Fucking shitty ass “historic” hotel.

At this point, you may be wondering why didn’t I just leave. Why subject myself to such temptation. The answer is that this hotel didn’t have a parking garage so I parked her car on the street. I didn’t want her to oversleep and get a ticket. Awww how sweet! As I am writing this I am scheduling a meeting between my face and my knuckles.

So i head back to the room and watch tv but in my head I was thinking what a shitty situation this is. I finally wake up Cute Girl in the morning so that she can move her car. She woke up and gave me the gf-morning after eyes and it made me extremely frustrated. I wanted to yell at her. I wanted to tell her that she is not allowed to give me that look because I was stewing in temptation for the last 10 hours. She got up and went to take a shower in the room. Man how can a man not go crazy with all this temptation. I went down stairs and smoked another cigarette because if I stayed there I would have kicked the bathroom door open with my cock in my hands. So we left the hotel and got to our cars. We embraced lightly and went our separate ways.

Driving back home the next morning, I get stuck in traffic. I was like these last 10 hours were pretty fucking whack.

I got home and masturbated furiously and shamefully. Well masturbation always ends shamefully. If you don’t believe me I dare every dude to bust a nut and look at themselves in the mirror. I guarantee you, that you will just shake your head and let out a sigh of despair.

The moral of this story is I am a fucking pussy and am not happy about it.