Tales of a Scumbag #33

On a recent trip to Korea, I decided to take a trip to the local massage parlor (AKA whorehouse). Let me back up and start by saying that I am not opposed to paying for sex. As long as the person I am paying for is doing it on their free will. Meaning, they aren’t some sex slave. Sometimes, a guy just doesn’t want to go on dates and deal with what society deemed as the proper way to court a lady. Instead, they just want to satiate a primal urge. A vagina is usually always feels better than your own hand.

So after some ridiculously heavy drinking, my friends and I decided to go to the massage parlor. It was an interesting place because it was a lot different from the ones I’ve been to in LA. Different in the sense that it was way out in the open.

So we get the rundown from the Madam, who happened to be semi hot herself. So she tells us its $120 for one chick and $200 for 2 girls. Knowing a deal when I hear one, I chose the 2 girl combo. So the madam tells me that the first girl will pick us. The second one we are to describe the girl that we want, and the madam will look into her stable to see if anyone fits our specifications.

So for the first round of girls, chicks one by one came into our waiting room with Eyes Wide Shut masks on. Since we didn’t have the opportunity to pick the chick, my friends and I just hoped that the girl that picked us would be decent. So I get picked and the girl leads me to her room, still with the mask on. Once inside, she takes off her mask and I was thoroughly surprised. She was pretty damn cute. So after a little small talk, she got to work and she wasn’t earth shatteringly great but I figured I was her 20th dick of the day so I understand that she wouldn’t be thaaaat thrilled. Once I took off my shirt, she kinda got shocked by the amount of chest hair I have. But all in all she did a decent job and her service was exceptional. If there was a yelp write up, I’d fucking give her 4 stars.

Not sure how to get hard from this…

So after I got done with my session with the cute chick I was led back into the waiting room. The madam asked me what type of girl I wanted next. Being that I was drunk and permanently retarded, I told her I wanted to chick with a lot of curves. I’m in Korea, and those types of girls don’t exist in that country. She tells me she has the perfect girl. She leads me to another room, where my “curvy” whore is at. I was excited because I was happy with the first girl. When the door opened, the girl standing in front of me was not good looking at all. She wasn’t even curvy! The thing that pissed me off was that she looked like she just woke up from a nap. She even had a lil pillow indention on the side of face. I walked in and closed the door behind me. She then said hello while doing a “morning stretch”. I was pretty fucking pissed because it felt like I just wasted my money on a mediocre experience. To calm myself down, I lit a cigarette in the room and she told me I shouldn’t smoke because its bad for my health. My mind was about to explode. I just got health advice from someone you sucks dicks for a living. Ughhh. So I put out the cigarette and we got down to fucking. It was totally an angry fuck. I was pulling this girls hair. I was whispering nonsense in her ear. “Santa Claus aint real” I whispered, which confused the hell out of her. I decided that no one should be sleeping on the job and I hope I taught her a lesson.

Yea that type of morning stretch


When my friends and I left the whorehouse, it was around 10am. I saw people in suits and briefcases going to work, while we just stepped out of a den of sin. But for some odd reason, there was no shame for me.  I went again a few days later to take more friends over there. They told us that was a 2hr wait. I left because I thought that was gross but my friends stayed.

Moral of the story: If there is a 2hr wait at a whorehouse, your hooker is busy being filled up at least 2 times before you. You should leave.