Tales of a Scumbag # 7
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My parents owned a liquor store in East Los Angeles. They named the store Denny’s, not because they loved the restaurant but because they wanted to name it after me and their English was just terrible. So Denny’s market was an interesting place to grow up. My house was located right behind store. I can tell you thousands of stories about the liquor store but a couple of them really have formed who I am.

I have done a lot of bad things in my life but I have never stolen a single thing in my life. This is because I know how much it hurts to get your merchandise stolen. My parents worked their asses off to stock the shelves, buy the inventory, keep the store clean and for someone to steal anything, even a candy bar sucks ass. Anyways, there was a time when the bottle caps of the 40 oz bottles of beer were missing. I had a hunch it was this crackhead that would come in often. He would often go to the beer section and stay there for a while, opening lots of doors. Eventually, he would come to the counter with a bottle of Thunderbird. That shit was probably the nastiest alcoholic beverage I have ever tried. It’s cheap and it will fuck you up. Anyways, I told my dad that this guy should be the one who is stealing all these damn bottle caps. So we decided to catch the fucker in the act.

The next day, that crackhead stumbled into the store. My dad set up some video cameras to monitor the beer section. The crackhead proved me correct by opening up a Budweiser 40 oz bottle and putting into his pants pockets. This is when I locked the front door and ran at him with an aluminum baseball bat and my dad ran at him with a golf club. We fucked that dude up. He was a real life piñata to us. My dad picked the bum up by the throat and decked him in the mouth.  When that happened, a small red particle flew out of his mouth. My dad thought saw that and decided to stop the beating and threw him out. I looked for that small red mass that came out of this dudes mouth. It turns out that it was a small water balloon filled with crack. My dad snatched it away from my hands and told me never to do drugs. Then he found another neighborhood crackhead named Moondie and sold him the crack from 20 bucks. My dad actually sold drugs right after he told me to never to do it. Now that’s education for you.

Now I am guessing you are wondering what is with the bottle caps. Well, apparently these aluminum bottle caps where useful in cooking this crack. What a great thing to know at an early age!

The other liquor story has to be about the neighborhood bird lady. If you live in a shitty neighborhood, then you have to have a creepy bird lady. That is a requirement. I don’t remember the lady’s name but let me call her Maria because she is Mexican and Maria is a common Mexican name. Well Maria always fed birds in the middle of the street. Hundreds of pigeons would be on the street because of this lady. Anything that would disturb her birds eating will cause her to go into a yelling rage. No one knew what she was saying. It wasn’t English or Spanish. It was like some ancient voodoo curse. So Maria always comes into the store to buy sunflower seeds and milk. The problem with Maria is that she smelled like a Viking. I knew Maria was in the store even if I was looking because the store always smelled like wet trash. Even her money smelled awful. It was so bad that I would get the money and wash it in the sink with detergent and iron it. If not then the damn register would smell. My dad would always make me tend the register when Maria was in the store.

Well one day Maria was at the store with for her usual seeds and milk. However, she was short a dollar and even though I couldn’t understand the words that were coming out of her mouth, I knew she was asking me to let her slide. Since I didn’t want to argue with her I said fine and she smiled. Then she reached over with her greasy, rancid right hand and rubbed my cheek. She said “Good Boy.” She then walked out of the store with her stuff. I was shocked because I didn’t expect her to semi-molest me. I went to restroom and washed my face. But no matter how much I scrubbed, my face smelled like shit. And from that day on every time I passed by Maria, she would smile at me. The neighborhood bird lady wanted to fuck me. That is one vagina I will never ever want to see. Well hers and Rosie O’Donnell.

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