Tales of a Scumbag #20

This really isn’t a tale. Its more to help you readers to get a feel for some of the characters in these tales.

1250 Westgate Cast of Characters- Part I

You may be wondering what the hell 1250 Westgate is. It was the address of the condo that my friends and I lived at for many years. There were many people that lived there. At one point there were about 9 people living at our place. So let me introduce you to the members of the house:


I mentioned SP in some previous stories. Including how he met his wife through AsianAvenue.com. But here is a better description of SP. My buddy, SP, is probably one of the biggest jackasses I know. Let me give you an example:

One day SP and I were in a car. SP was driving and we see an interracial couple (asian chick and white dude). SP rolls down the window and yells out, “Hey stop fucking with our gene pool, asshole!” When the couple turned around we found the asian chick to not be a looker. SP yells “Nevermind, you can keep her!”

SP was also looking to get into trouble. It is amazing how much shit he talked and never got into a fight in college. SP and I used to work at the International Relations department at school. We were glorified secretaries. We didn’t do much. Anyways, we were connected to the UCLA network called Bruin Direct. People could share files and things like that if you were on this network. Well SP thought it would be a great idea to download porn from the network and burn them onto cds and take them home. The title’s of his CDs were “shh…you don’t want to know vol 1, vol 2” and so forth. One day the head tech guy of the department walks up to SP and tells him that lots of inappropriate things have been downloaded on the computers. SP was wondering how the tech guy could find out. I say when something with the title like Briana Banks gets DP’ed is being downloaded some red flags would be raised.

General Han

General Han is this skinny fool with a “hit me” face. A “hit me” face is someone that just has a face you wanna punch. It has nothing to do with personality or demeanor. Its just a face you wanna punch because to dude looks so fucking devious. General Han was given this moniker because the dude looked like he was soldier in the North Korean Army. He was pure lanky put possessed crazy athletic ability. He is about 5’9 and he could dunk a basketball on a regular court. He was unusually strong too. Fucker rips telephone books in half for fun.

The General has a very unique person. We had a class together. During that class he would roll into class late with some Taco Bell in hand. He would sit there, eat his food and go to sleep. He never took notes for the class. He claims he learned better in his sleep. During one class The General, SP, and I were in class and both the General and SP were knocked out. The professor stopped lecturing and asked me to wake the General and SP up. It was a class of 250 people and the professor didn’t know the names of anyone in classes except us. I wake up the General and SP. General Han wakes up looks at me and then the professor and he goes back to sleep but this time even more laid out. He truly didn’t give a fuck. It’s pretty amazing that all three of us got A’s in the class.

I would like to report that the General is married to a really dope chick. But still to this day, the fucker has a hit me face.


Mr. Cashmoney was also a jackass. Cashmoney was originally subletter. He really didn’t know anyone in the apartment but eventually he became quickly acclimated with the rest of the 1250 Westgate inhabitants. I remember one of the first times we all hung out, Cashmoney walks up to us and smacks me in the balls. I was shocked because who does that. He looks at me and goes “that is what my friends and I do to each other.” Talk about an icebreaker. Cashmoney lived on the bottom floor and I lived on the top floor. One time, he instant messaged me and it said “D, turn around”. When I turned around he was running up the stairs. When he saw me turn around, he said “damn.” He was trying to outrun the speed of the internet inside our condo. That is the type of nutty this guy is.

One of the few times I was scared for my life was when I was with Cashmoney, he was getting off of work and I was in the area so we get in his car. He worked at a restaurant so we would always bring home food from work. His work was a good 40 minute drive from our place. He proceeds to open the container filled with food and starts eating while driving. One hand was used to hold the container of food. The other hand was holding a fork, to shovel the food into his mouth. So the question is, how in the hell was he driving. He was driving his car with his knees. To add to that, he had a stick shift car. This fucker was making lane changes on the freeway with his knees. I didn’t tell him I was frightened but I was scared shitless. Thanks asshole!


My buddy WOW had a very addictive personality. He was addicted to the games Starcraft and Diablo. I blame Blizzard entertainment for fucking my homeboy’s gpa. WOW was so addicted to the games that he actually broke a couple of mice. Not because he was mad and threw them or slammed them. He actually clicked a mouse so much that it no longer worked.

Then he heard of the idea of people actually selling items from a video game online. Let me explain to those that aren’t video game geeks. This guy would attain a special item within the game. Then he proceed to go on ebay and sell this non tangible online. People would actually buy these stupid things. He then found this bot that would run a certain stage of the game and automatically collect the items. This would run on repeat until he stops it. This means that he would leave it on at home and it would run for damn near 20 hours. At the end of the day, he would see what items that this bot gathered and then he would sell these items online to dumb white kids in the Midwest who undoubtedly would use their mom’s credit card to purchase these fictitious items.

WOW’s addictions didn’t just end with video games. If he drank, he would drink until he got ultimately shitfaced. I remember watching a basketball game at home with him and by the end of the game he dusted a 12 pack all by himself.

The interesting characteristics about WOW are that he possessed an unusually slanted forehead and hobbit looking feet. When I first pointed out his forehead, he tried to see for himself. He was sitting next to a reflective window. He turned quickly to face the window in hopes of trying to catch a view of his forehead. It was one of the dumbest/funniest things I have seen. He actually thought he was fast enough to see catch a reflection of his profile.


We had a pet hamster named Hammy (creative as fuck.) Anyways, SP one day decided that we need a pet at our place and got a hamster. I would have to say Hammy was probably one of the smartest hamsters ever. This fucker would figure out how to unhinge its cage. I would come home and see that Hammy was not in his cage. Next day you would find him just chillin in the living room watching tv with us.

Although having a hamster roam around free in the condo is cool, most of our guests were very much shocked to see a rodent walk around the house. Some thought it was a rat. So we decided to get Hammy a new home. We got this huge plastic container that people used to put their old clothes in. We cut some holes on the top for ventilation and put chew toys and the ever so popular hamster wheel. We figured it would be impossible for Hammy to get out. We were very wrong. One night, I was watching TV and the familiar sound of Hammy scurrying in his new home was absent. I turned to see what was going on. To my surprise Hammy was hanging on the top of the container which is about 10 times his height.

Hammy jammed a chew toy under the hamster wheel making it not spin. He then climbed the wheel and out of the container. We let Hammy wander around the condo again because we figured if he is that smart to get out of the container then go right ahead.