Sorry for the delay on these updates. I have been extremely busy doing other shit. Here is the next tale:
Weird People at Work- Part 1
After UCLA, I went straight to work at a valuation consulting practice. I actually worked the very next day after I graduated. No vacation at all. I wasn’t happy about that but fuck it, I got a decent job that paid decently.
The day of graduation, I got pretty wrecked. I don’t really know I went out to party. It wasn’t that big of an accomplishment to graduate college for me. I didn’t try too hard. I figured college was just a place to meet people and get a job afterwards. As long as I got shit done, I would be fine. I must say that I did a decent amount of not going to classes. I did a lot of drinking, smoking, and fucking around during my stay at college.
So after a night of partying, I went into the first day of my job hungover and I was about 20 minutes late. It was a sign of things to come for the company. It was my first professional job and I had to be on my best behavior but if you know me, you know that I wouldn’t be behaved for too long.
Here are some people I met at work that I will never forget:
T-Rex
Anyways, the office had a lot of people. All of them were interesting in some way or another. One of the Managing Directors at the office was a kind old man but he had a bit of a physical handicap. His arms weren’t all there. Sure its fucked up of me to write about the guy but honestly, I was shocked. The first day of work, I went to his office to introduce myself. He seemed like a normal white dude but when I went to shake his hand, homeboy threw out a chicken wing of an arm and hand. Dude came at my with the T-Rex arms. I didn’t know how to shake it. I was told that you should have a firm handshake but if I shook this dude’s hand firmly, I’d probably tear it right out of his torso. I just made sure not to stare. Anyways, T-Rex was cool dude. He was very nice. But watching him type on his laptop was probably the most entertaining thing ever. He just threw his hands on the keyboard and somehow the letters he wanted to type were typed. God I am so going to hell for this.
Excel Genius
Starting off at the office, I was placed in a cubicle. In the cubicle right behind me was this Indian Dude. He was a bit of an asshole, so we got along pretty damn well. The first day at work, I said “Hey, how’s it going?” Instead of the normal responses like “Things are ok” or “Great”, this guy replied in a crazy Indian accent “ Things are terrible. If you have any questions don’t ask me.” I fucking loved the guy already. He was a bit of an excel genius. This dude would do difficult financial modeling on Excel with one hand while he was shooting the shit with his homies on the phone. He knew so many shortcuts. I thought this motherfucker invented Excel. I remember one day at work when most of the office went out to lunch. He told me to stay back. When the coast was clear, he pulled out a bottle of tequila from his desk and we just started drinking at work. He was definitely my kind of dude. Anyways, Excel Genius was too smart for his own good. There are those people that are too smart and aren’t really motivated. He was the epitome of that. He hated his job and really didn’t give a shit. There were rumors that he was quitting was going around the office. He told me he was quitting because we drank at lunch all the time. Anyways, one manager came up to him and asked. “Excel Genius, are you leaving the firm?” The bastard responded, “Shit, I left my resume in the copy machine huh?” The manager gave her death stare, and walked away. He left to DC for a better job apparently and is now married. Poor girl.
Dirty Man
There was one Manager dude that was hired about 2 years into my job. He was apparently smart as fuck. Straight up brainiac. However, he was socially awkward. He will creep up on a conversation and put in his 2 cents all the time. Lets say 2 dollars because he usually ends up talking for a long time. He was also a name dropper. But he dropped obscure names. Names of economists and tax professors that I have no clue who they are. But the kicker to this dude happens in the bathroom.
I remember peeing at a urinal at work when the dude walks up to me and says hello. I give him a nervous grin because he serious creeped the fuck out of me. Homeboy looks like Willow but about a foot taller. Anyways, he starts to pee in the urinal next to mine. When I walk past him because I was done, I see something ridiculous. His pants are down to his ankles. I was like is this fucker 3 years old. Who pees like that?! I brush it off and start to wash my hands. He finishes his pee and goes to wash his hands but to my surprise, he finishes washing his hands before I do and I had the head start. This fucker turned on the water. Wet his hands once. I don’t even think his whole hand was wet from it. And then turns off the water and wipes his hands on his pants. WTF! This dude was pure gross. Not sanitary at all. The fucked up thing is, there was a snack lounge at work were there were assorted snacks, including pistachios and cookies. This dude always dunked his hands in the jar to get them cookies. I have not been able to eat a cookie since. Fucking asshole.
This really isn’t a tale. Its more to help you readers to get a feel for some of the characters in these tales.
1250 Westgate Cast of Characters- Part I
You may be wondering what the hell 1250 Westgate is. It was the address of the condo that my friends and I lived at for many years. There were many people that lived there. At one point there were about 9 people living at our place. So let me introduce you to the members of the house:
SP
I mentioned SP in some previous stories. Including how he met his wife through AsianAvenue.com. But here is a better description of SP. My buddy, SP, is probably one of the biggest jackasses I know. Let me give you an example:
One day SP and I were in a car. SP was driving and we see an interracial couple (asian chick and white dude). SP rolls down the window and yells out, “Hey stop fucking with our gene pool, asshole!” When the couple turned around we found the asian chick to not be a looker. SP yells “Nevermind, you can keep her!”
SP was also looking to get into trouble. It is amazing how much shit he talked and never got into a fight in college. SP and I used to work at the International Relations department at school. We were glorified secretaries. We didn’t do much. Anyways, we were connected to the UCLA network called Bruin Direct. People could share files and things like that if you were on this network. Well SP thought it would be a great idea to download porn from the network and burn them onto cds and take them home. The title’s of his CDs were “shh…you don’t want to know vol 1, vol 2” and so forth. One day the head tech guy of the department walks up to SP and tells him that lots of inappropriate things have been downloaded on the computers. SP was wondering how the tech guy could find out. I say when something with the title like Briana Banks gets DP’ed is being downloaded some red flags would be raised.
General Han
General Han is this skinny fool with a “hit me” face. A “hit me” face is someone that just has a face you wanna punch. It has nothing to do with personality or demeanor. Its just a face you wanna punch because to dude looks so fucking devious. General Han was given this moniker because the dude looked like he was soldier in the North Korean Army. He was pure lanky put possessed crazy athletic ability. He is about 5’9 and he could dunk a basketball on a regular court. He was unusually strong too. Fucker rips telephone books in half for fun.
The General has a very unique person. We had a class together. During that class he would roll into class late with some Taco Bell in hand. He would sit there, eat his food and go to sleep. He never took notes for the class. He claims he learned better in his sleep. During one class The General, SP, and I were in class and both the General and SP were knocked out. The professor stopped lecturing and asked me to wake the General and SP up. It was a class of 250 people and the professor didn’t know the names of anyone in classes except us. I wake up the General and SP. General Han wakes up looks at me and then the professor and he goes back to sleep but this time even more laid out. He truly didn’t give a fuck. It’s pretty amazing that all three of us got A’s in the class.
I would like to report that the General is married to a really dope chick. But still to this day, the fucker has a hit me face.
Cashmoney
Mr. Cashmoney was also a jackass. Cashmoney was originally subletter. He really didn’t know anyone in the apartment but eventually he became quickly acclimated with the rest of the 1250 Westgate inhabitants. I remember one of the first times we all hung out, Cashmoney walks up to us and smacks me in the balls. I was shocked because who does that. He looks at me and goes “that is what my friends and I do to each other.” Talk about an icebreaker. Cashmoney lived on the bottom floor and I lived on the top floor. One time, he instant messaged me and it said “D, turn around”. When I turned around he was running up the stairs. When he saw me turn around, he said “damn.” He was trying to outrun the speed of the internet inside our condo. That is the type of nutty this guy is.
One of the few times I was scared for my life was when I was with Cashmoney, he was getting off of work and I was in the area so we get in his car. He worked at a restaurant so we would always bring home food from work. His work was a good 40 minute drive from our place. He proceeds to open the container filled with food and starts eating while driving. One hand was used to hold the container of food. The other hand was holding a fork, to shovel the food into his mouth. So the question is, how in the hell was he driving. He was driving his car with his knees. To add to that, he had a stick shift car. This fucker was making lane changes on the freeway with his knees. I didn’t tell him I was frightened but I was scared shitless. Thanks asshole!
WOW
My buddy WOW had a very addictive personality. He was addicted to the games Starcraft and Diablo. I blame Blizzard entertainment for fucking my homeboy’s gpa. WOW was so addicted to the games that he actually broke a couple of mice. Not because he was mad and threw them or slammed them. He actually clicked a mouse so much that it no longer worked.
Then he heard of the idea of people actually selling items from a video game online. Let me explain to those that aren’t video game geeks. This guy would attain a special item within the game. Then he proceed to go on ebay and sell this non tangible online. People would actually buy these stupid things. He then found this bot that would run a certain stage of the game and automatically collect the items. This would run on repeat until he stops it. This means that he would leave it on at home and it would run for damn near 20 hours. At the end of the day, he would see what items that this bot gathered and then he would sell these items online to dumb white kids in the Midwest who undoubtedly would use their mom’s credit card to purchase these fictitious items.
WOW’s addictions didn’t just end with video games. If he drank, he would drink until he got ultimately shitfaced. I remember watching a basketball game at home with him and by the end of the game he dusted a 12 pack all by himself.
The interesting characteristics about WOW are that he possessed an unusually slanted forehead and hobbit looking feet. When I first pointed out his forehead, he tried to see for himself. He was sitting next to a reflective window. He turned quickly to face the window in hopes of trying to catch a view of his forehead. It was one of the dumbest/funniest things I have seen. He actually thought he was fast enough to see catch a reflection of his profile.
Hammy
We had a pet hamster named Hammy (creative as fuck.) Anyways, SP one day decided that we need a pet at our place and got a hamster. I would have to say Hammy was probably one of the smartest hamsters ever. This fucker would figure out how to unhinge its cage. I would come home and see that Hammy was not in his cage. Next day you would find him just chillin in the living room watching tv with us.
Although having a hamster roam around free in the condo is cool, most of our guests were very much shocked to see a rodent walk around the house. Some thought it was a rat. So we decided to get Hammy a new home. We got this huge plastic container that people used to put their old clothes in. We cut some holes on the top for ventilation and put chew toys and the ever so popular hamster wheel. We figured it would be impossible for Hammy to get out. We were very wrong. One night, I was watching TV and the familiar sound of Hammy scurrying in his new home was absent. I turned to see what was going on. To my surprise Hammy was hanging on the top of the container which is about 10 times his height.
Hammy jammed a chew toy under the hamster wheel making it not spin. He then climbed the wheel and out of the container. We let Hammy wander around the condo again because we figured if he is that smart to get out of the container then go right ahead.
Who threw up on my Keyboard?
Back in the dorms, my buddies (WOW, SP, YK, General Han) and a handful of other folks had the urge to go shoot pool in Koreatown (Ktown). I think there were about 10 people total that went on the excursion to Ktown. SP who frequented this pool hall said that it was cool to park in the Jack In the Box parking lot next door. He said he did it all the time. So we park 3 cars at the parking lot. When we parked, there was a security guard and we told them we were gonna go shoot pool. He said it was all good. So thinking that we were safe, we go shoot some billiards and had a good time. When it was time to go, we walked to our cars and they were not there. They were fucking towed. If I find that security guard, I swear I am going to kick him the balls 3 times.
So we started calling our other friends to come pick us up. After an hour or so of waiting we finally all had rides back to campus. We get to campus and we were completely bummed out. So the best way to alleviate this shitty situation was to drink. As stated before, I always had a shit load of alcohol in my dorm room.
So me and WOW decide to crack open some hard liquor and get to work. After a few shots, WOW decides to challenge me to a drinking contest. Not being one to back down from a drinking challenge, we started taking shots of Jim Beam (Satan’s Chode Juice). At about shot number 14, things started getting a little blurry. WOW was completely smashed and passed out. I took a couple more shots just solidify my dominance in this retarded drinking competition.
WOW lived in the floor right below mine so I figured, I could carry his drunk ass to his dorm room. So with the help of my then roommate Harry, we take WOW’s almost dead body to his room. I completely forgot that WOW’s bed was the top of the bunk of bunk. So calling on the powers of Grayskull, we put WOW on his bed. After that ultimate feat of strength was complete, we leave, closing the door behind us.
As soon as the door is shut though, we hear the loudest thud on earth. It sounded like a fucking bomb went off in his room. We open the door, again to see what happened. The fucker fell off the bunkbed. So I go to check if he is alive and to my surprise, he was completely fine. He just continued to sleep on the floor. Seeing that he is ok, we left him there. Harry and I decided to go back to our room and throw down some more liquor. I was drunk but I was very much functional. So I continue drinking and go to sleep.
When I wake up, I have a crazy ass instant message from WOW. He asked “Who the fuck threw up on my keyboard?” I was kind of confused because I was feeling the effects of 20 plus Jim Beam shots and other alcohol. To this my body replied with a nasty hangover. Anyways, I told him I had no idea.
So I go downstairs and tell him what happened last night. WOW then realized what happened from when he fell off the bunk bed. Basically, he threw up on the dorm floor. Apparently, sleeping in a pool of your own vomit is uncomfortable, so he gets to his desk somehow and passes out there. He used his keyboard as a pillow. He threw up on his keyboard in his sleep woke up and went back to his bed to sleep. WOW doesn’t drink THAT much anymore.
