Tales of a Scumbag #21

Sorry for the delay on these updates. I have been extremely busy doing other shit.  Here is the next tale:

Weird People at Work- Part 1

After UCLA, I went straight to work at a valuation consulting practice. I actually worked the very next day after I graduated. No vacation at all. I wasn’t happy about that but fuck it, I got a decent job that paid decently.

The day of graduation, I got pretty wrecked. I don’t really know I went out to party. It wasn’t that big of an accomplishment to graduate college for me. I didn’t try too hard. I figured college was just a place to meet people and get a job afterwards. As long as I got shit done, I would be fine. I must say that I did a decent amount of not going to classes. I did a lot of drinking, smoking, and fucking around during my stay at college.

So after a night of partying, I went into the first day of my job hungover and I was about 20 minutes late. It was a sign of things to come for the company. It was my first professional job and I had to be on my best behavior but if you know me, you know that I wouldn’t be behaved for too long.

Here are some people I met at work that I will never forget:


Anyways, the office had a lot of people. All of them were interesting in some way or another. One of the Managing Directors at the office was a kind old man but he had a bit of a physical handicap. His arms weren’t all there. Sure its fucked up of me to write about the guy but honestly, I was shocked. The first day of work, I went to his office to introduce myself. He seemed like a normal white dude but when I went to shake his hand, homeboy threw out a chicken wing of an arm and hand. Dude came at my with the T-Rex arms. I didn’t know how to shake it. I was told that you should have a firm handshake but if I shook this dude’s hand firmly, I’d probably tear it right out of his torso. I just made sure not to stare. Anyways, T-Rex was cool dude. He was very nice. But watching him type on his laptop was probably the most entertaining thing ever. He just threw his hands on the keyboard and somehow the letters he wanted to type were typed. God I am so going to hell for this.

Excel Genius

Starting off at the office, I was placed in a cubicle. In the cubicle right behind me was this Indian Dude. He was a bit of an asshole, so we got along pretty damn well. The first day at work, I said “Hey, how’s it going?” Instead of the normal responses like “Things are ok” or “Great”, this guy replied in a crazy Indian accent “ Things are terrible. If you have any questions don’t ask me.” I fucking loved the guy already. He was a bit of an excel genius. This dude would do difficult financial modeling on Excel with one hand while he was shooting the shit with his homies on the phone. He knew so many shortcuts. I thought this motherfucker invented Excel. I remember one day at work when most of the office went out to lunch. He told me to stay back. When the coast was clear, he pulled out a bottle of tequila from his desk and we just started drinking at work. He was definitely my kind of dude. Anyways, Excel Genius was too smart for his own good. There are those people that are too smart and aren’t really motivated. He was the epitome of that. He hated his job and really didn’t give a shit. There were rumors that he was quitting was going around the office. He told me he was quitting because we drank at lunch all the time. Anyways, one manager came up to him and asked. “Excel Genius, are you leaving the firm?” The bastard responded, “Shit, I left my resume in the copy machine huh?” The manager gave her death stare, and walked away. He left to DC for a better job apparently and is now married. Poor girl.

Dirty Man

There was one Manager dude that was hired about 2 years into my job. He was apparently smart as fuck. Straight up brainiac. However, he was socially awkward. He will creep up on a conversation and put in his 2 cents all the time. Lets say 2 dollars because he usually ends up talking for a long time. He was also a name dropper. But he dropped obscure names. Names of economists and tax professors that I have no clue who they are. But the kicker to this dude happens in the bathroom.

I remember peeing at a urinal at work when the dude walks up to me and says hello. I give him a nervous grin because he serious creeped the fuck out of me. Homeboy looks like Willow but about a foot taller. Anyways, he starts to pee in the urinal next to mine. When I walk past him because I was done, I see something ridiculous. His pants are down to his ankles. I was like is this fucker 3 years old. Who pees like that?! I brush it off and start to wash my hands. He finishes his pee and goes to wash his hands but to my surprise, he finishes washing his hands before I do and I had the head start. This fucker turned on the water. Wet his hands once. I don’t even think his whole hand was wet from it. And then turns off the water and wipes his hands on his pants. WTF! This dude was pure gross. Not sanitary at all. The fucked up thing is, there was a snack lounge at work were there were assorted snacks, including pistachios and cookies. This dude always dunked his hands in the jar to get them cookies. I have not been able to eat a cookie since. Fucking asshole.