I guess someone had the audacity to film me at Rutgers recently. Here is a semi new bit from it:
Last weekend, I was in good ole Las Vegas because my friends and I wanted to get into some shenanigans. It was an interesting trip but I would have to say the highlight of the trip was my conversations with a stripper at Seamless. Now this place was just a normal titty bar. If you are not familiar with the laws of most states. Titty bars can serve alcohol but vagina bars are alcohol free. Being that my friends and I value alcohol more than seeing virtually unattainable and slightly diseased vagina, we went to a titty bar.
Seamless is a decent joint. Lots of hot girls in stripper garb with the just glittery chests and ass. This is all good in terms of appearance but it is a bitch and a half to get off your face. For that fleeting moment of excitment when that vegas whore just thrusts her chest onto your face, you must suffer the aftermath of having a raging hard boner and a trail of glitter in your face.
So my friends and I entered the strip club with just the hormonal urges to see breasts and drink. As I reached the bar, I was promptly met by an not so attractive stripper. She looked like a reject from Flavor of Love. Basically, not good to look at but might stab her with my meat sword with a decent amount of alcohol in my system.
Upon conversation though, I was “mesmerized” by her sales pitch. She was awful. She starts the conversation with “Hey, you are just so damn sexy right now.” I looked at her and said thanks because no matter what the chick looks like its always flattering to hear that you are sexy. So she asks where I am from. I tell her that I am from Los Angeles, to which she says that she was supposed to be in LA that night but she didnt have the money to go. Awww! what a sob story. I was tempted to give her all my money but I resisted. Yes, I am not in the habit of supporting whoredom. Anyways, I asked her why she needed to be in LA in the first place. She responds that her grandmother died and needs to attend her funeral.
Here is the thing. I am all for listening to sales pitches. Even when telemarketers call, I will have a conversation with them just to see how good they really are. I have yet to meet someone that whooed me. And this strippers pitches are also far from verbal ballet. How do you tell me about your dead grandmother. Sad story yes but seriously, how am I gonna pay for a lap dance if while you are vigourous rubbing your crotch on my newly washed jeans while the only thing I can think about is you grandmother in a casket? But I was still intrigued at how terrible this start was. I had to keep on talking to her.
I asked her what was on the “menu”. She said that for a whopping 400 bucks, she will give me an hour private session in a private room. I told her that I can get an escort for 300 for the same time period. She replies that she is better than an escort. I was quick to call bullshit because escorts fuck for a living. Strippers fuck when they find a guy willing to spend money in the private room. She tells me then a 30 minute session for 200 bucks. I tell her that again I can get an escort for less than that. I inform her that its the time discount I want. Rather, the price discount. I dont want to generalize but most strippers are not too bright. So when you here that they are trying to make money for college, I am going to say might as well save it for taking care of your kid or save it for bail money.
So the stripper looks at me and caresses my face and thighs with her dirty fingers. I am not too certain if they were indeed dirty but I am assuming she was in the back giving a rich dude a handjob and failed to wash her hands. With this pleasant thought implanted in my brain, I was quite the opposite of turned on. She tells me that by the end of the night, she will get me. She proceeded to tell me she wanted to marry me and that she wants to do very naughty things to me. Now usually, when some girl utters those types of words to me (it happens alot by the way) I am pretty psyched to bump uglies with the female but for some reason, Russell the Love Muscle stayed dormant. I asked her what these naughty things entailed. She said that I can do anything I want with her. My imagination quickly went into a frenzy. I was wondering if she would let me take a dump on her chest. Not because it would turn me on (I am not Japanese). But rather, I wanted to know if she indeed would allow me to do anything to her. After a whole hour or so of this, I started feeling bad. I kindly told her that I am not interested in such activities and that she is wasting her time with me. She gave me her number and told me that I should call her after she gets off because she is definitely in love with. Maybe I did sweep her off her whore-y little feet but sorry Diamond, you are just not my type.
Well I recently filmed a commercial and I found it on youtube. To my dismay, I was cut out on a lot of shit. I guess its because I have the acting ability of Keanu Reeves with a mental disability. So there is nothing special about it but at least I can eat for another month of two. Woot Woot!
During my short lifetime, I have had the privilege to meet a myriad of people. Lots of them were great and some should just have been a blowjob. They should have died in their respective mothers’ mouths. Yes, this may sound a tad bit harsh but fuck them. If you haven’t noticed yet, I tend to digress a lot.
Anyways, out of these countless amount of people, one stands out the most and I can truly call him my best friend. Terry pretty much grew up in South Pasadena. He hung out with pretty much the white crowd. Sure there were some Mexicans in the mix but they were pretty white washed too. I met Terry during sophomore year. We were in quite a few classes that year. I would end up on campus earlier than most because I wanted to fight the horrendous traffic from East LA to Pasadena. Terry, even though he lived 5 minutes away from school, came early too. We had Spanish class for first period. I would spend most of the morning trying to memorize for a vocab quiz that I inevitably had. I really never studied that much during school. Terry would always have an apple fritter in the morning with coffee. I remember we started talking about the Spanish vocab quiz that we had to take and he offered a bit of his apple fritter. If you don’t know by now, I love food. I couldn’t turn it down. Our friendship started with a breakfast pastry.
Only a G can wear a suit at the beach!
Throughout the rest of high school, we ended taking a ton of classes together. In the beginning of this friendship, we tended to talk about what every hormonal teens talk about. It was always about chicks or stressing about a final. But these topics changed. I remember one time we were infront of my house talking about religion for hours on end. I can’t quite remember the stance we took but I do remember thinking I have never talked to another human being about religion for that long. Sure it is social suicide to talk about ones religious beliefs but we had a honest and civil conversation. From that day on, I knew this dude was special.
I can write a book alone on all the events we have shared but I shall spare you guys the details for now. Instead, I will write how much of a down homeboy he is. Terry possesses many of the qualities that I lack. Call me arrogant but it is rare for me to think someone is better than me. But the friends that I have are all better than people.
Lots of people especially in high school, tried to follow the crowd. If they didn’t they were usually ostracized and eventually those fuckers are the ones that shoot up the schools. Terry, however, tended to march to a beat of his own drum. He played a ton of sports, he was on the yearbook committee, he is even an eagle scout. Oh I forgot to mention he was Vice President of the Swing Dancing Club. Which is kinda awesome! On top of that, he did pretty well in school. Sure lots of overachieving asian kids did all of these activities. The difference is, he did this not for the resume. He didn’t join all those sports teams because it looked good for college. He didn’t do well in school because it was going to get him into a good university. He did it because he enjoyed it. Even with all the extracurricular activities, Terry always had fun. His drive to do what he wants has led him to pursue a career in medicine. He is gonna be a doctor soon! Again not because he wants to make his parents proud or because of the money. He always wanted to be one since as far I could remember. I am always inspired when I talk to him.
I have always been grateful to have a dope friend like Terry. I think an event that solidifies how great he is to me would be during my recent dvd taping this past July. He was in Arizona on a rotation for medical school. He called me the morning of my dvd taping, telling me that he wishes he could be at my show. He wished me luck and I knew I was gonna rock that shit after that talk. So I go do my hour show and after I bid the crowd farewell, guess who I see coming down to greet me. Terry drove all the way from Arizona just to see my show. It was one of the few times in my life where I almost cried in public. I didn’t cry because I am a man but I almost lost my shit when I saw him.
At times, I feel like shit because I can’t be there for him as often as he has been there for me. He has saved my ass many times. He is one of the only friends I have that truly understands what makes me tick. It also helps that he and I have every similar weird humor. If you can quote from Bloodsport, Kickboxer, Best of the Best, or Rocky 1 through 4 you are pretty bad ass. I will not say that these movies are the best movies of all time but if you are a man you need to know these movies.
What is the point of this chapter you ask. Basically, my friend is better than yours. That is all.
So my good friend, ERIC (LazySwayze) had a little interview with me that turned out to be a beast of an interview. ERIC is a solid dude. Tremendous writer, decent shit-talker, but most importantly, just a down homeboy. Hit up his blog at www.lazyswayze.com.
If you are wondering why this guy is awesome, I will give you a small taste. This dude actually waxed off his chest hair on a whim. Well he was drunk too but that is besides the point. Swayze for president!
Oh and if you want to read the interview here are the links. (He cut it into to parts because too much of a good thing is bad for your health.)
