For quite some time, I was trying to perform for the troops. I have had friends fight in the middle east and everytime I talk to them, they always mentioned how it would be cool for me to go out there and perform so that atleast for that amount of time, they don’t think about the fact that someone is trying to kill them every day.
Whether or not I agree with the US military presence in the middle east and in other parts of the world, these men and women are risking their lives for us. And for that I am grateful and all of you should be too. If not, go fall on a rusty nail you selfish apathetic shit vessel.
Anyways, my manager informed me a few months ago that he got me 13 gigs on various Army posts across the country. I was stoked at the opportunity to perform. I quickly realized that this tour was going to be pretty rough. If you are not aware, a lot of the bases are in the middle of nowhere and they are a pain in the ass to get to.
It was an interesting experience since I was on the road with comics I have never met. Cerrome Russell and A Pair of Nuts (Yamil Piedra and Johnny Trabanco). A lot of times all comics talk about are bits that they do or how shitty their careers are. Trust me after a few hours of this it gets fucking annoying. However, these guys weren’t like that at all. They were fucking cool. Sure there were some posts that needed to up their hospitality game but all in all the tour was very memorable.
From shitty 8 seat planes where I thought I was gonna die for sure. To haunted hacienda rooms, to shitting on the same toilet as Gen. Patton and President/Gen. Eisenhower. That’s right at one post, we got to stay where distinguished Generals stayed in. How many of yall can say you shat on the same toilet as a former president? That’s what I thought muthafackas. Ya boy is big time.
I had a lot of fun and here are some pictures from the road:
But I saw this outside my room and this scared the shit out of me…
Thank you to all the men and women who serve in the military. God bless yall and please come home safely.
1) Rude Homeless People…
I have nothing against homeless people. Being homeless can happen to anyone and honestly I just see that as people that got dealt a shitty hand in life poker. However, I am a proponent of people being knowing their place in life. And being a bum means you gotta wait a bit longer than most folks for benefits
One day I went to downtown LA (the California state capital of homeless folks) to pick up my buddy. Being a dude that lags like the internet at the shitty café that I am in, I was parked infront of his place. I didn’t leave the car because I didn’t want one of these dirty smelly muthafuckas to ruin my day and ask me for change.
After about 10 minutes of waiting, a homeless man walks up to my car and knocks on the window. Being a complete idiot, I roll down the window and he asks for some change. He was definitely a bum. His dirty level was at code red. Anyways, I open my ashtray/coin receptacle and get a handful of change.
I put about 1 dollar worth of change into his hand obviously without touch the hand because I am afraid of AIDS. When he saw a bunch of pennies and nickels in his hand, he looks at me and then throws that change right back at me.
I was furious. I wanted to get out to car and kick his no future, hepetatis having ass but I was so shocked at his asshole move that it took a little while to process in my dome. If you are wondering I have actually kicked a homeless person’s ass before so that’s not beneath me. Back to the story, this dick head of a bum ran off into some alley to do bum things like take a shit on himself.
I was fucking incensced and my friend got into my car. I was like yo I gotta go home for a bit. He asked why. I told him I needed to take a shower.
2) Lindsey Lohan
I rarely call women cunts. Even I have limits. But Lindsey Lohan is a fucking cunt. A dirty sloppy retarded cunt. How is this freckled non contributing zero even relevant? Ok she was hot in Mean Girls but that’s about it.
But she seems to be on the news about her alcohol problems. How she is being mistreated in jail. Its fucking Jail you are supposed to be mistreated and raped in the shower. If jail was a cake walk, I’d commit a shit ton of crimes and get caught on purpose. And it always on the news. Just let her get her teeth kicked in there. Let her have a nervous break down.
She is a prime example of being a product of 2 fucktards. Jizz bucket whore of a mother and douchebag fucktard of a father. They mixed their X’s and Y’s and out came this fucking terrible human being. In words of one of my heroes, “She is a cunt that came out of a cunt’s cunt.” (more…)
Let’s face it. If a guy farts, its hilarious. If a girl farts, she needs to learn some manners. Call it a double standard but I didn’t make up the rules of society so deal with it.
As much as I am a believer of the mantra above, I will let a female fart slide from time to time. I mean if its your significant other, then I guess you need to suck it up. Not literally, of course. Unless you are some kind of freak then I guess you are on the right page.
Anyways, this one is about the wonderful and unwanted present I received from a fuck buddy a while ago.Let me start by saying that one night stand sex is usually a selfish thing. Each person is just horny and needs certain needs taken care of. Even foreplay is just a means to get the other person riled up so that they can give you what you want.
For example, a guy going down on a chick. Aka munching the rug, grubbin on the fish taco, going to arby’s, etc. Well the act itself really doesn’t do anything for the dude. Sure its kinda sexy when the chick is into it but the act itself fulfills 2 things. 1) get that muthafacka wet. You don’t want to be putting cock in a dry hole. Trust me. Sex with a sleeping girl is not cool as it is in porn. 2) get the girl riled up so when it gets on and cracking her inner pornstar would come out.
So back to the fuck buddy. It was late (5am), I texted her and she was down for some SOON DAE so we met up. We skipped all the boring, how was your day what’s going on with you talk and got naked fast. So I ventured downwards and she was feeling it. She reeked of booze and cigarettes but I couldn’t complain because that’s probably what I smelled like. This girl was loud as fuck. So as I am downstairs, just counting the time before I think she is ready to pop, I felt this warm sensation on my neck. She didn’t say anything and I continued for a few seconds until I realized this chick farted. This trifling hoe gave me an invisible scarf and didn’t have the apologize. I stopped and asked her if she had an egg mcmuffin before she came here.
I guess she wanted to deny it til her dying day. I was pissed because I felt completely disrespected but we still boned anyways.
Moral of the Story: It takes a lot to turn down available vagina.
This is a little different from my usually crass posts about shitty sex exploits or fucked up situations. Its been a few months since I got back from Korea. Something hit me like a ton a bricks when I was out there.
Someone said to me “You must be loving life man. You are getting paid to travel and do what you love to do.”
I replied “ Yea man. It’s been a dream.”
But the more and more I thought about it. I realized I wasn’t loving life. When I was working the stupid hours at KPMG I thought how awesome it would be to make a living doing what I love to do. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do for a living. The creating, the performing, etc. However, I realized that now that I am finally getting by doing whatever the fuck I do, I sat and really thought if I was happy.
Then in Korea, I randomly met a someone that was in the entertainment business there many years ago. His group was at one point was at the top of the music charts and what not. We ended up drinking for a while that night just shooting the shit in the rain. As I got a little tipsy, I told him about my concerns. He looked at me and he told me this.
“when I was younger I thought that doing what I loved to do would make me happy. When (name of his group) was on top of the charts, I was happy about the success but I realized that it came a cost. I neglected to cultivate other aspects that keep me going.”
He went on to say that he realized that he started losing contact with friends and family and it really put him in a funk. He no longer is really in the entertainment industry like he once was but he seems to have found the right balance that works for him.
So how does it all relate to me? Well I realized that I too have neglected close friends and family in the last few years. Sure they are busy with their lives too but I realized that I haven’t been a good friend, brother, or son. When shit hits the fan, I know that my good friends will always be there to help me out. Without a doubt I am sure that they all have my back. However, sometimes you feel like shit when you realize that you haven’t seen em or talked to them in more than a year.
I want to clarify. Just because we hang out often and have a drink every now again don’t me friendship to me. Let’s get it straight. Those people are just acquaintances. Real friends are people you are truly selfless for and hopefully they feel the same way. Friends aren’t made because of convenience but because of a bond that can’t be explained by situations and examples. Rather, its just there.
I guess the point of all of this is to all my close friends who will get a chance to read this, I will try my best to do better. I trust that you guys will try to keep me accountable in my actions. Thanks for you time.
Korea is an interesting place. Being from LA I thought I knew enough about Koreans with my dealings with my parents, their friends, ktown, Korean shows, etc. But when I came here, it wasn’t anything I expected.
Most importantly, I was surprised to see so many chicks with surgery done. I mean I aint against plastic surgery but it’s a little shocking when 1 out of 3 girls on the street have pronounced noses and double eyelids. I almost feel like its an insult to God. “Hey God, thanks for creating everything but I think you kinda fucked up my face so I am got this person’s nose, and that person’s eyes.” These mix and match face bitches are kinda bugging me out. But its ok, I’d still like to impregnate them. I can’t help it. I like women, plastic face or not.