Dear East Coasters,
I will be all up and down the east coast in the coming weeks. Come thru and support. And you know for damn sure Imma get me some chicken over rice! Holler!
11/12 Duke University
Location: White Lecture Hall
Price: Fucking free!
11/14 SUNY Buffalo
Location: SU Theater
Price: Fucking free!
11/16 Laugh Lounge (NYC)
Location: Laugh Lounge (151 Essex St)
Price: $10 (plus 2 drink min)
11/18 Husson College (Maine)
I have no info on the show. Ill be there with fellow comedian and friend Esther Ku.
11/20 University of Maryland
I have no info on this either. Just holler tho! I am sure I can get yall into the show!
Internet Dating (Fail)
During college, things like Myspace and Facebook were not available. The popular site especially amongst my buddies was Asianavenue.com. It was this website where you can search through people’s profiles. Most of my friends would look at girls and just for the fuck of it message them. Well my buddy SP met a girl (YK) via Asianavenue and they eventually got married. YK is a real cool girl. She was always down and it must have been tough for her to hang out with people at our apartment. I would have to say that everyone that lived at the condo were bon-a-fide assholes. There was almost never a moment anyone could leave our guards down. YK was cool enough to be able to hang out with us and tolerate assholes like me all the time.
Anyways, seeing this rare success story gave the rest of the people in the condo hope in finding a cool girl online. Sure you may frown on internet dating but if it works and you meet someone cool why the fuck not. So everyone else started going on dates via this site.
I met a few girls too. Hell, the first chick I met. I picked her up from her dorm room (she went to another school). When I got to her dorm complex, there was this dude standing outside her place. He was just standing there like some fucking stalker. I thought this was a bit odd. I called the girl to come down and it turns out that the guy standing there was her bf. They broke up 3 days before. For those that know me you know how I love drama right? Anyways, I get out of the car as she is walking down and her ex-bf is talking all this shit. Then he realizes that the love of his life is gonna go on a date with me. This is when he snapped. The shit talking went from her to me. I told him if he knew what was good for him he should just walk away. This is a line I like to say because it fucks with a dude’s ego and for sure he would want to fight me. I knew from the beginning that if we had to throw down I would annihilate him. Well, he didn’t take to kindly to my words and decided to knuckle up. My original assessment of his fighting prowess was quickly proven to be true. He swung, I dodged and threw a shot to his left eye. I could have sworn thunderbolts and fireballs were coming out of my fist. I felt the sound of bone breaking. Once I connected, he crumpled like jenga. The girl just stayed there in shock. She didn’t think something like this would happen. Her ex bf was on the ground bleeding and just started talking more shit. A part of me wanted to stomp him out some more but I had to take this girl on a date.
So we get in the car and she apologizes for what happened. What a great start to a date! I wanted to punch the girl for being a heartless bitch. The date was pretty whack. I guess it was due to the fact that I was still angry about the fight. I was pissed because I was thinking what if we were together and this bitch does this to me. I made her laugh and I knew she was digging me but I just couldn’t get myself to just forget my thoughts and fuck her. So I took her back to her place after dinner and drinks. She gave me a kiss but I pulled back. She left and I never called her again. She called a few times but I think she got the point.
As I am writing this, I am thinking I should have fucked her anyways but when I was younger, I was a more upstanding human being.
So the fight with the ex was kinda bad but not even close to the disaster that happened with my buddy Cashmoney. Cashmoney calls me into his room one day and shows me a chick that he is talking to in the Midwest. The pictures were taken in a very peculiar angle. First of all, she used her desk lamp as her light source. She then angled the camera above her head and she also angled her head down. Sure we can see both eyes, nose, and lips but at that angle, even Condoleezza Rice would look hot. I just told Cashmoney she looks ok. He then informs me that she is coming to visit him the following week.
I figured she is some kind of crazy whore because who would meet a dude online that is in another state just to visit him? Yes she was gonna stay with him/us. So the day of arrival finally arrives and Cashmoney starts to head to the airport. Before he left, he had the look of a kid on Christmas day in a white household. (Christmas at Korean Households kinda sucks). Anyways, I am very curious to meet this chick too. So within an hour or so, Cashmoney is back. When I turn around to see the chick, I felt the urge to laugh really hard. The girl did not look like anything in the picture. Not even close! She introduces herself and I was trying really hard not to look at her face. Way too pale. Eyes really far away from the center (think Brandy). Teeth were going in many different directions. Cashmoney stood behind her and he had the look of utter shocked. It’s like he got promised a car and realized the car was a Hyundai. He didn’t seem happy at all.
So Midwesttroll planned to stay with Cashmoney for a week. She didn’t know a soul in LA. While Cashmoney was out at work, I was in the living room getting a little studying done for an upcoming midterm. Midwesttroll was also in the living room studying. I asked her what she was studying and she said “AP”. I asked if she was on Academic Probation at her college. She laughed and said “no for Advanced Placement”. I realized right then that Midwesttroll is a high school student. Cashmoney brought over a high school chick from the Midwest to bang. I didn’t ask her how old she was because I didn’t want to know whether or not my buddy was gonna get locked up for Statutory Rape.
Cashmoney tried his best to pretend to be busy. This way he would avoid the condo as much as possible which in turn meant he was gonna avoid Midwesttroll as much as possible. The poor beast would sit in his room all day to wait for him. We all felt a lil bad so every now and again we would give her water and food. She was like our pet.
One night we were drunk/high and chilling in the living room. Cashmoney was starting to pass out on the couch. Midwesttroll, with her wonderful sense of humor, decided it would be funny to draw on Cashmoney’s face. Which I wasn’t against, but she drew on him with a yellow highlighter. Cashmoney is Asian, so he is already possessed a yellowish hue to him. What a fucking idiot this chick was! Anyways, things got a lil intense because Cashmoney is an extremely light sleeper. He woke up while Midwesttroll was drawing things on his face. I have never seen the guy that mad in my life. He yanks away the highlighter and breaks it in half and throws it to the corner of the living room. We all looked in shocked. I thought Cashmoney was gonna punch the troll right square in the face but he didn’t. Statutory rape is one thing but assault would not be good on his record. He stormed into the room and Midwesttroll just stayed on the couch. She left and Cashmoney made us swear not to ever bring her up again. I guess I shouldn’t even write this but only 7 people know who Cashmoney is so I figure it’s all good.
1250 Westgate Part I
During my junior year of college, my friends and I had to move out of the dorms. UCLA guarantees housing for 2 years, but after that you are on your own. My friend’s dad purchased a condo for us to live in (not for free). The funny thing about the leasing agreement with his dad was that he wrote the contract wrong (FOB). So technically, the contract stated that he needed to pay us for living there. But I let it slide because it was a fucking dope ass condo. It was a 3 bedroom condo that was 2 stories. The first month we moved in we threw a house warming party and wrecked the place.
We invited people and it got to a point where there were about 150 people in the whole place. There was a lot of booze and a lot of other things going on. As always with a bunch of Asians, there were a few scuffles. The police came by 3 times. We offered the cop some beer and he just told us to keep it down. Fucker took the beer. Dirty pig!
That was the most drunk I have ever been in my life. I got so drunk, I spent half the time in the bathroom. I vomited things I didn’t know I ate. I ended up blacking out on the toilet. I am assuming I did because I had a bruise the shape of a toilet bowl on my chest. I woke up the next day to see our dope place in shambles. Beds were broken, one toilet was broken and the place just looked like the inside of a crack house. Trust me on this, I know what the inside of a crack house looks like. So I woke up some of the roommates to attempt to clean the house. The problem was we were all hung over.
At the time, we had 2 girls (Gumby and Shoulder Pads) subletting for a few weeks. They were friends of mine and cool chicks. We all started cleaning and we found something totally unexpected at our place. We found a still moist thong in the laundry room. We were trying to figure out who would just leave that kind of underwear at a stranger’s place. I asked Gumby and Shoulder Pads if the sticky undergarment belonged to them. They swore it wasn’t theirs. Although I gave em shit for it, I believed them. They weren’t whores. Then comes a knock on our door. When we opened it, it was a boxed filled with cigarette butts. The neighbor downstairs said that it was all from our party. She didn’t look too pleased. I said sorry and slammed the door on her face. There would be nothing good coming out of that talk. We tried to clean as best as we could but it wasn’t even close to looking like what it looked like when we moved in a month ago.
My 20th Birthday
A few months after we moved in, my roommates wanted to throw me a birthday party. They had the brilliant idea of hiring a stripper for my birthday. The stripper would come to our place and give us a private show. So my friends were on a gang of websites. They wanted to find the perfect stripper. They told me to invite whoever I wanted so invited some friends and told them a stripper was coming.
20 dudes came through. Lots of beer and booze was available. According to the website, an extra fee would be incurred if we wanted the session videotaped. Being poor yet crafty college students, we set up a shitty Logitech webcam from the second floor of our place. I haven’t seen the footage in years, and hopefully that thing doesn’t resurface but my friends are assholes so one day you will all see the whole session.
Anyways, the stripper finally arrives. She comes in with her “bodyguard”. The bodyguard looked like a taller Jonah Hill. The stripper looked very hot on the website but she looked a little weathered in person. Fuck you photoshop! So the stripper gets to work and starts giving us a show. Then she pulls me into the center of room. She strips me to my boxers and tells me to get on all fours. I was thinking bitch you are the whore you should be the one on all fours but I amused her wishes. She then asks my buddy SP for a belt. That fucker gave her the widest fucking belt ever. Last time I saw a belt like that it was around the waist of Hulk Hogan. I was drunk so the liquid courage kicked in. I figure I have been in tons of fights in my life and this lil coke head stripper wasn’t gonna hurt me. It was my birthday dammit. She wouldn’t hurt me! Well I was wrong. I knew something was up when she was whirling the belt in the air to rev up to hit me. The belt was whistling at a pretty high frequency. Then slap. The bitch hit me and caught me with the belt buckle. I wanted to get up and punch her in her taint. But all the other guys were laughing and I figured if it is funny, I will endure. She smacked me a few more times and that was that.
Then she tells me to lay on my back. She then takes a quarter and puts it on my nose. She then takes off her underwear and stands up above me and picks up the quarter without using her hands. The dirty whore squatted on my face and picked up currency with her vagina. Although she was nicely shaven and smelled of Johnson and Johnson baby oil, I was not happy with what she did. I thought for sure I had AIDS on my nose.
The shitty thing about the whole ordeal is that even though, I told the people that a stripper was coming a week in advance, none of the guys brought cash. I feel bad for my roommates that brought the stripper over because they had to go to the ATM and get more cash. I am sorry guys but the message of this story is, my friends are better than yours.
Let me start by saying that growing up, I was not into korean pop music at all. When I was younger and artists like DJ DOC, HOT, and SES were around I was not a fan. But as of late, I was hooked on watching Korean Variety shows on youtube. One of the popular girl groups in Korea right now have really “tickled my pickle” The thing is, I don’t see these girls as chicks I want to fuck. They are younger than my baby sister! But I find these girls fucking adorable. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you Girls Generation :
Yea you kick those sexy legs!
Sorry don’t judge me… But I would love to hang out with these lil girls and do stupid shit like make kimbab with them and just prance around a prairie filled with dandelions.
But I have been thinking, what is up with the slutty/sexy music videos in Korea. I was shocked because I didn’t know KPOP music video’s got this hot. Here are some examples:
WTF is going on over there. I say we go to korea and find these girls. Who is with me? I am taking applications for girls who look like the chicks in the videos above to be my gf/wife. Thanks!
UCLA Dorm Years Part II
During the second year I had a roommate. Let’s call him Harry. Harry was an interesting dude. He was smart. Like scary smart. My taekwondo instructor met him once and said I should be nice to him because he looks like he could probably blow up a building or something. He kinda looks like the Korean dude that shot up all those students at Virginia Tech.
Anyways, Harry was pretty cool with me. Our room had close to 200 dollars worth of hard liquor all the time. Whiskey and Scotch was what we drank. We were fucking 19 at this point. Anyways, Harry was dating this chick and one day I guess they decided they should have sex. Which is great but I was in the room. They thought I was sleeping but I was awake.
I was “sleeping” on my side, facing them. I realized they were about to have sex but if I made any sudden movements, that would throw off their horniness. So being the homie that I am I had to stay still. The thing is, I don’t mind watching porn or watching sex but that is because the chicks are usually hot or have nice bodies. This chick filled none of those requirements. So as I am laying there, I see her mounting Harry. Just pale ass going up and down really didn’t sit well with me. I wanted to throw up so I decided to move but again, I didn’t want to make a sudden movement because Harry is my homie.
So keeping the rest of my body completely still, I slowly started moving my head the other direction. I had to stay in that position for a long time. Fucker was taking too long. I was in the most uncomfortable position possible. My body was facing one way and my head was facing 180 degrees of my body. It was very Exorcist-esque. So finally they finish. But they start talking, since that is what a lot of girls like to do after sex. I wanted to slam icicles with AIDs juice into my ears because it was some of the dumbest fucking things ever uttered out of a human’s mouth. That is when I moved my whole body to catch up with my face. Damn, the things I would do for friends.
Another interesting story was one about this girl named Amy (not her real name but if she reads this, she might sue me). Anyways, Amy really liked my best friend Terry. Like really wanted to have his babies, liked him. The thing is, she was pretty damn gross looking. She looked like animal from the Muppet Babies. She was not hot at all. Sure this sounds mean but let’s be honest, she was busted and no guy with reasonable standards would want to be out in public with her. They say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. I say to them, sometimes when the cover is too fucked up you just don’t want to read the book.
Anyways, Amy, Terry, and I were in the same calculus class. If you don’t know me, I try to get to things a little earlier because I hate being late. Terry who happened to be already near class was already infront of the courtyard facing the lecture hall. He was talking to some chick about something while Amy was there and it looked like she was waiting to talk to him. Like he is some ride at an amusement park. I am sure she would have loved to ride him. So from afar I see this situation, so I figured I would have to fall on the grenade because I am a dope friend like that.
I walk into the scene with the most depressed face ever. Amy happens to see this and comes up to me and asks what’s wrong. I make up this story about how I bombed a midterm or something. I never bomb tests btw. I am a genius like that. Anyways, she says “Aww” and give me a hug. Terry sees this and give me that look. That you are a fucking down ass homie look. I gave him the “imma fucking kick you in the throat look” Obviously, Amy didn’t see any of this. I think she thought if she got to his best friend then she could have an “in” with Terry. Stupid bitch. So after the hug she goes, “we are gonna be late for class” and grabs my hand and leads me into the lecture hall. I look back and Terry is laughing his ass off. Throughout the class, I text terry over and over again how I am gonna shit on his pillow and things of that nature. I couldn’t stand Amy and I was not about to sit the next 2 hours next to her. So eventually, I made some excuse that I wasn’t feeling well and told her to take notes for me. I left walked outta class and Terry followed me. Damn you Terry!