This really isn’t a tale. Its more to help you readers to get a feel for some of the characters in these tales.
You may be wondering what the hell 1250 Westgate is. It was the address of the condo that my friends and I lived at for many years. There were many people that lived there. At one point there were about 9 people living at our place. So let me introduce you to the members of the house:
I mentioned SP in some previous stories. Including how he met his wife through AsianAvenue.com. But here is a better description of SP. My buddy, SP, is probably one of the biggest jackasses I know. Let me give you an example:
One day SP and I were in a car. SP was driving and we see an interracial couple (asian chick and white dude). SP rolls down the window and yells out, “Hey stop fucking with our gene pool, asshole!” When the couple turned around we found the asian chick to not be a looker. SP yells “Nevermind, you can keep her!”
SP was also looking to get into trouble. It is amazing how much shit he talked and never got into a fight in college. SP and I used to work at the International Relations department at school. We were glorified secretaries. We didn’t do much. Anyways, we were connected to the UCLA network called Bruin Direct. People could share files and things like that if you were on this network. Well SP thought it would be a great idea to download porn from the network and burn them onto cds and take them home. The title’s of his CDs were “shh…you don’t want to know vol 1, vol 2” and so forth. One day the head tech guy of the department walks up to SP and tells him that lots of inappropriate things have been downloaded on the computers. SP was wondering how the tech guy could find out. I say when something with the title like Briana Banks gets DP’ed is being downloaded some red flags would be raised.
General Han is this skinny fool with a “hit me” face. A “hit me” face is someone that just has a face you wanna punch. It has nothing to do with personality or demeanor. Its just a face you wanna punch because to dude looks so fucking devious. General Han was given this moniker because the dude looked like he was soldier in the North Korean Army. He was pure lanky put possessed crazy athletic ability. He is about 5’9 and he could dunk a basketball on a regular court. He was unusually strong too. Fucker rips telephone books in half for fun.
The General has a very unique person. We had a class together. During that class he would roll into class late with some Taco Bell in hand. He would sit there, eat his food and go to sleep. He never took notes for the class. He claims he learned better in his sleep. During one class The General, SP, and I were in class and both the General and SP were knocked out. The professor stopped lecturing and asked me to wake the General and SP up. It was a class of 250 people and the professor didn’t know the names of anyone in classes except us. I wake up the General and SP. General Han wakes up looks at me and then the professor and he goes back to sleep but this time even more laid out. He truly didn’t give a fuck. It’s pretty amazing that all three of us got A’s in the class.
I would like to report that the General is married to a really dope chick. But still to this day, the fucker has a hit me face.
Mr. Cashmoney was also a jackass. Cashmoney was originally subletter. He really didn’t know anyone in the apartment but eventually he became quickly acclimated with the rest of the 1250 Westgate inhabitants. I remember one of the first times we all hung out, Cashmoney walks up to us and smacks me in the balls. I was shocked because who does that. He looks at me and goes “that is what my friends and I do to each other.” Talk about an icebreaker. Cashmoney lived on the bottom floor and I lived on the top floor. One time, he instant messaged me and it said “D, turn around”. When I turned around he was running up the stairs. When he saw me turn around, he said “damn.” He was trying to outrun the speed of the internet inside our condo. That is the type of nutty this guy is.
One of the few times I was scared for my life was when I was with Cashmoney, he was getting off of work and I was in the area so we get in his car. He worked at a restaurant so we would always bring home food from work. His work was a good 40 minute drive from our place. He proceeds to open the container filled with food and starts eating while driving. One hand was used to hold the container of food. The other hand was holding a fork, to shovel the food into his mouth. So the question is, how in the hell was he driving. He was driving his car with his knees. To add to that, he had a stick shift car. This fucker was making lane changes on the freeway with his knees. I didn’t tell him I was frightened but I was scared shitless. Thanks asshole!
My buddy WOW had a very addictive personality. He was addicted to the games Starcraft and Diablo. I blame Blizzard entertainment for fucking my homeboy’s gpa. WOW was so addicted to the games that he actually broke a couple of mice. Not because he was mad and threw them or slammed them. He actually clicked a mouse so much that it no longer worked.
Then he heard of the idea of people actually selling items from a video game online. Let me explain to those that aren’t video game geeks. This guy would attain a special item within the game. Then he proceed to go on ebay and sell this non tangible online. People would actually buy these stupid things. He then found this bot that would run a certain stage of the game and automatically collect the items. This would run on repeat until he stops it. This means that he would leave it on at home and it would run for damn near 20 hours. At the end of the day, he would see what items that this bot gathered and then he would sell these items online to dumb white kids in the Midwest who undoubtedly would use their mom’s credit card to purchase these fictitious items.
WOW’s addictions didn’t just end with video games. If he drank, he would drink until he got ultimately shitfaced. I remember watching a basketball game at home with him and by the end of the game he dusted a 12 pack all by himself.
The interesting characteristics about WOW are that he possessed an unusually slanted forehead and hobbit looking feet. When I first pointed out his forehead, he tried to see for himself. He was sitting next to a reflective window. He turned quickly to face the window in hopes of trying to catch a view of his forehead. It was one of the dumbest/funniest things I have seen. He actually thought he was fast enough to see catch a reflection of his profile.
We had a pet hamster named Hammy (creative as fuck.) Anyways, SP one day decided that we need a pet at our place and got a hamster. I would have to say Hammy was probably one of the smartest hamsters ever. This fucker would figure out how to unhinge its cage. I would come home and see that Hammy was not in his cage. Next day you would find him just chillin in the living room watching tv with us.
Although having a hamster roam around free in the condo is cool, most of our guests were very much shocked to see a rodent walk around the house. Some thought it was a rat. So we decided to get Hammy a new home. We got this huge plastic container that people used to put their old clothes in. We cut some holes on the top for ventilation and put chew toys and the ever so popular hamster wheel. We figured it would be impossible for Hammy to get out. We were very wrong. One night, I was watching TV and the familiar sound of Hammy scurrying in his new home was absent. I turned to see what was going on. To my surprise Hammy was hanging on the top of the container which is about 10 times his height.
Hammy jammed a chew toy under the hamster wheel making it not spin. He then climbed the wheel and out of the container. We let Hammy wander around the condo again because we figured if he is that smart to get out of the container then go right ahead.
I have 2 big events that I would like for yall to attend.
EVENT # 1
Ktown Cowboys Fundraiser! (Thursday, 1.28.2010)
As a lot of you know, for the last couple of months, I have been working on a passion project. I wrote a webisode series/film that was shot all of December 09. Well, the bad news is that we ran out of funding. We still need some money for post production. So please come out at have some fun.
There is a cover charge but guess what!
You get a sneak peak of episode 1. Also, there will be a few live performances. So it will be all worth it. Come thru and help us out!
This project has been one of the most stressful, yet most rewarding projects that I have ever been involved in. So thank you all for you continued support!
Comedy Zen (Saturday, 1.30.2010)
Show starts at 8pm-10pm
Trust me, this is a sick lineup. So come through and support live comedy!
For tickets go to:
For discounted tickets please time “CHO” on the promo code. (20 bucks is the original price but 15 is the discounted price!) What a deal!!
I will be going out of town soon so for all the non-cali folks, just be ready. Danny Oppa will come to your city real soon!
On a serious note, please go to www.VoteCPAF.org. It only takes 5 minutes to do. Its easy! Its for a good cause! You are on facebook already at work. Just fucking do it!
Shout outs to Peachies, the crazy crew that put together a million PSA’s for CPAF.
After every year, people make tons of resolutions. Work out more, jerk off less, etc. The most popular resolution around me is to quit smoking. I agree that smoking is bad for you health but here are some places and times when a cigarette is amazing:
10. When you are stressed or angry
I get stressed and/or angry a lot. I sometimes wish certain people need to go run into trees or have bad things happen to them. Sometimes, it is just the workload or the things that I need to get done with the day to day life that stresses the fuck out of me. When that happens, smoking a cigarette really calms the nerves. I’d probably be arrested for punching someone’s teeth in or destroying a few walls and doors in the last 5 years but thanks to the power of the cigarette, I haven’t been arrested in close to more than a decade.
9. In Vegas
Vegas is an awful place. I say this not because I don’t have fun there. Rather, its because sometimes it’s a little too crazy. Next time you are in Vegas, go to the green door. Trust me, you haven’t seen shit til you have been there. Fucking weird place! Anyways, the great thing about vegas is that you can smoke damn near anywhere. On the roulette table, as you are losing your ass because your “lucky number” hasn’t hit since last week. At the club, you can dance with a cigarette in your fucking mouth. Amazing! It’s just awesome because if you did it in the cities where you live (outside of Las Vegas) you would get the shit kicked out of you by a security guard (black guy).
8. After a meal.
After a meal, any meal, a stogie really hits the spot. Being Korean, I eat quite of bit of soups and stews. Usually of the spicy kind. Anyways, after some soon tofu or pho, a cigarette just hits the spot. I use it for digestion really. When I was a kid, if I ate too much (which was often) I would drink a 7up for digestion. But now, I got for the good ole Malboro. Don’t believe me? Try and then email me on how much of an genius I am afterwards. You’re welcome in advance.
7. While having a meal.
This is something you can experience at home or in Ktown LA. After all these healthy conscious nut jobs took over and bitched about how they hate cigarette smoke, most cities in this country have made it illegal to smoke at restaurants. But in certain spots in Korea Town, you still can. Blame it on the fact that Korean people don’t give a shit about the law or they can’t understand the language. Whatever the case, I think it is amazing that you could smoke while eating galbi. So take that you tree hugging pansies!
6. Underneath cover when raining
I don’t know what it is. It doesn’t rain much in LA, but when it does, I will find a random awning and light one up. I don’t even have an awning at my apartment. I will go drive til I find the nearest awning and light that bitch up. Maybe its just the mood. I guess I am some weird emo fuck like that. Whatever the case its awesome so don’t judge me.
5. While High
It is something about smoking a cig after smoking some trees. I know I have younger kids reading this so some of you are judging me for setting a bad example but if you couldn’t tell already, I like to play that game of I don’t give a fuck. I’m very good at it. Like hall of famer status. Words can’t explain the gratitude of having nicotine go thru your system after the thc. Actually, doing almost anything while high makes it better. Aside from active things like walking, running, manual labor.
4. While drunk
Why is a cigarette so much better when you are drunk? Not quite sure really. But it is very much up there. If I am drunk enough, I can dust through a whole back in one night. I have done it and woke up the next morning thinking a deep throated a porcupine. But drunk cigarettes are dangerous so be careful. I’ve burned myself (literally) many times. I had a cigarette burn on my back once. That was fucking weird!
3. Long Plane/bus rides
I fucking hate plane rides. I am impatient and claustrophobic. Plus I am super addicted so that calls for one crazy ass situation for cross country flights. 6 hours without cig while a fat dude that smells like a homeless woman’s vagina is sitting next to me. (I don’t know what a homeless woman’s vagina smells like but I could imagine it being pretty bad. Summer’s eve isn’t readily available in skid row.) Anyways, so after a torturous 6 hours flight, I love to treat myself to a cigarette. Hell I don’t even go to the baggage claim until I get my fix.
2. After sex
I know a lot of girls hate the smell of cigarettes on their partners breath. Frankly, I am not a fan of it either. BUT after you bump uglies, it just feels great to have one. Maybe I have been programmed by the media. Who knows but after an hour of bumping uglies and your girl’s head has been a battering ram against the headboard, lighting one up is the icing on the cake. One of my former gf’s smoked cigs too. After an hour or two of phenomenal sex, we both would go out and have a cig. After the cig, we would go at it again. Damn she was so sexy.
Some of you might be wondering, how the fuck is this one number 2! Because number one is…
1. Smoking while taking a shit.
I don’t know how many people do this but smoking a cig while shitting is the best combination since peanut butter and jelly, kobe and shaq. A cigarette is already a laxative, but smoking while shitting is just putting 2 of my favorite things together. If I could eat steak while having sex, shit I wouldn’t do anything else. Hint hint to all you steakhouse owners.
If you guys think of other places please let me know. If i havent tried it, I probably will try it out at least once. Thanks!
Wassup to all you readers. I have a few shows lined up in the next few weeks and would love to see your faces the shows.
Show #1 (Slanted Comedy at the Irvine Improv) 1/16th @11pm.
If you want to get on the guestlist email me at email@example.com. Getting on the guestlist means you aint paying for cover. Free!!!!
Show# 2 (Dehydrated Comedy) 1/21 @8pm
Line up includes: