Crazy White People
Toward the end of my stay at my West LA condo, we had 2 white subletters. I don’t remember their names so let’s call them Whiteboy (WB) and Whitegirl (WG). So WB and WG were a dating and living together. They were pretty much the average white people. They eat a lot of Bologna-Cheese sandwiches. They were cool folks. They wanted to get a dog so they went to the animal shelter. Now our condo allowed pets so it was all good. Most of the roommates were dog lovers as well.
I get home from a long day and was in the kitchen when suddenly a fucking wolf comes down the stairs. I don’t remember what type of dog it was but it was a big black wolf looking dog. It scared the shit out of me. WB and WG named the dog Maynard.
So one day, I had to be designated driver for my good buddy/roommate Jaysn. It was his birthday and he decided to throw his party at the wonderful koreatown club Le Prive. Jaysn is the type of guy that knows a lot of people. It gets a little crazy at his birthday celebrations. This one was crazy too but for a different reason. So the night is going well and around 12:30AM, the lights of the club are turned on. Apparently the LAPD decided to shut down the club for the night because a suspect was at the club that night. Someone got stabbed the night before at the club and the retarded stabber decided he wanted to go back to scene the next day. This did not sit well with anyone in the club. Especially this really drunk FOBBY guy. Now Mr. FOBBY Guy was there with his buddies and after drinking countless shots of Crown Royal and getting kicked out of the club, decided that he is going to start insulting people, especially the big black bouncers at the club. These bouncers had to be close to 300 lbs. Well, Mr Fobby Man started cursing at them and then decided to drop the N-word. And no didn’t end it with an “A” he pretty much stuck the landing on the “ER”.
This didn’t sit well with the bouncers who bum rushed Mr. FOBBY man and proceeded to kick his ass. While this was going on, I was with my buddy Jaysn who was pretty much drunk. We were waiting for my car from the valet guys. The ass whooping spilled out onto the street right next to us. Finally, the bouncers had decided that they taught the racist FOB a lesson and stopped. They walked back to their posts as if nothing happened.
The FOB gets up and looks and me and Jaysn and in Korean asks if we are indeed Korean. We just blankly look at him and rips his button down shirt. I thought he was going to reveal some crazy ass Korean Flag tattoo or Mount Baektu tattoo on his chest but when he ripped his shirt, all we saw was pale skin. He then tells us to follow him. He was going to make another charge into the bouncers.
Mr. Fobby Guy again went to the bouncers and he knew obviously knew how to push their buttons. He once again barraged the bouncers with the N-word as if that is the only English word he knew. This time I hear a couple of girls screaming and when I looked over, I see the bouncers pull out their guns and run after this FOB guy who knew that he should probably get the fuck outta there.
So Jaysn and I were thinking this has been a pretty weird night and it couldn’t get any weirder but we were really wrong. We get back to our place. WB walks out of his room in his boxers. I am sure he was on some drugs because he was a sweaty mess and he went to the fridge to get some water. We started telling him about the night when all of a sudden WB’s room door opens. It is WG in only her panties, sans bra. She had the pinkiest/tiniest nipples I have ever seen. She sees us, is mortified, and slams the door. Jaysn and I look at each other and think this night is far from over.
We then proceed to go to our patio to have a late night cigarette. After about 30 minutes or so, WB and WG come up to the patio as well. (WG had clothes on). They were on some adderol and probably drunk on wine. WG comes up to us and says profusely apologizes. “I am sorry you got to see my small tits. I didn’t know you guys were home. I am so sorry you got to see my small tits.” She was obviously fucked up and she kept on apologizing. We explained that it was ok and it was no big deal. As this is going on, I look to the side to see WB making out with the dog. Like tongue on tongue style. This was some crazy shit. I don’t do well with crazies around me so I decided to tap out and go to bed.
They moved out soon after and the last I heard from them, they purchased a trailer and live in a trailer park. Stay classy guys!
Who threw up on my Keyboard?
Back in the dorms, my buddies (WOW, SP, YK, General Han) and a handful of other folks had the urge to go shoot pool in Koreatown (Ktown). I think there were about 10 people total that went on the excursion to Ktown. SP who frequented this pool hall said that it was cool to park in the Jack In the Box parking lot next door. He said he did it all the time. So we park 3 cars at the parking lot. When we parked, there was a security guard and we told them we were gonna go shoot pool. He said it was all good. So thinking that we were safe, we go shoot some billiards and had a good time. When it was time to go, we walked to our cars and they were not there. They were fucking towed. If I find that security guard, I swear I am going to kick him the balls 3 times.
So we started calling our other friends to come pick us up. After an hour or so of waiting we finally all had rides back to campus. We get to campus and we were completely bummed out. So the best way to alleviate this shitty situation was to drink. As stated before, I always had a shit load of alcohol in my dorm room.
So me and WOW decide to crack open some hard liquor and get to work. After a few shots, WOW decides to challenge me to a drinking contest. Not being one to back down from a drinking challenge, we started taking shots of Jim Beam (Satan’s Chode Juice). At about shot number 14, things started getting a little blurry. WOW was completely smashed and passed out. I took a couple more shots just solidify my dominance in this retarded drinking competition.
WOW lived in the floor right below mine so I figured, I could carry his drunk ass to his dorm room. So with the help of my then roommate Harry, we take WOW’s almost dead body to his room. I completely forgot that WOW’s bed was the top of the bunk of bunk. So calling on the powers of Grayskull, we put WOW on his bed. After that ultimate feat of strength was complete, we leave, closing the door behind us.
As soon as the door is shut though, we hear the loudest thud on earth. It sounded like a fucking bomb went off in his room. We open the door, again to see what happened. The fucker fell off the bunkbed. So I go to check if he is alive and to my surprise, he was completely fine. He just continued to sleep on the floor. Seeing that he is ok, we left him there. Harry and I decided to go back to our room and throw down some more liquor. I was drunk but I was very much functional. So I continue drinking and go to sleep.
When I wake up, I have a crazy ass instant message from WOW. He asked “Who the fuck threw up on my keyboard?” I was kind of confused because I was feeling the effects of 20 plus Jim Beam shots and other alcohol. To this my body replied with a nasty hangover. Anyways, I told him I had no idea.
So I go downstairs and tell him what happened last night. WOW then realized what happened from when he fell off the bunk bed. Basically, he threw up on the dorm floor. Apparently, sleeping in a pool of your own vomit is uncomfortable, so he gets to his desk somehow and passes out there. He used his keyboard as a pillow. He threw up on his keyboard in his sleep woke up and went back to his bed to sleep. WOW doesn’t drink THAT much anymore.
Dear East Coasters,
I will be all up and down the east coast in the coming weeks. Come thru and support. And you know for damn sure Imma get me some chicken over rice! Holler!
11/12 Duke University
Location: White Lecture Hall
Price: Fucking free!
11/14 SUNY Buffalo
Location: SU Theater
Price: Fucking free!
11/16 Laugh Lounge (NYC)
Location: Laugh Lounge (151 Essex St)
Price: $10 (plus 2 drink min)
11/18 Husson College (Maine)
I have no info on the show. Ill be there with fellow comedian and friend Esther Ku.
11/20 University of Maryland
I have no info on this either. Just holler tho! I am sure I can get yall into the show!
Internet Dating (Fail)
During college, things like Myspace and Facebook were not available. The popular site especially amongst my buddies was Asianavenue.com. It was this website where you can search through people’s profiles. Most of my friends would look at girls and just for the fuck of it message them. Well my buddy SP met a girl (YK) via Asianavenue and they eventually got married. YK is a real cool girl. She was always down and it must have been tough for her to hang out with people at our apartment. I would have to say that everyone that lived at the condo were bon-a-fide assholes. There was almost never a moment anyone could leave our guards down. YK was cool enough to be able to hang out with us and tolerate assholes like me all the time.
Anyways, seeing this rare success story gave the rest of the people in the condo hope in finding a cool girl online. Sure you may frown on internet dating but if it works and you meet someone cool why the fuck not. So everyone else started going on dates via this site.
I met a few girls too. Hell, the first chick I met. I picked her up from her dorm room (she went to another school). When I got to her dorm complex, there was this dude standing outside her place. He was just standing there like some fucking stalker. I thought this was a bit odd. I called the girl to come down and it turns out that the guy standing there was her bf. They broke up 3 days before. For those that know me you know how I love drama right? Anyways, I get out of the car as she is walking down and her ex-bf is talking all this shit. Then he realizes that the love of his life is gonna go on a date with me. This is when he snapped. The shit talking went from her to me. I told him if he knew what was good for him he should just walk away. This is a line I like to say because it fucks with a dude’s ego and for sure he would want to fight me. I knew from the beginning that if we had to throw down I would annihilate him. Well, he didn’t take to kindly to my words and decided to knuckle up. My original assessment of his fighting prowess was quickly proven to be true. He swung, I dodged and threw a shot to his left eye. I could have sworn thunderbolts and fireballs were coming out of my fist. I felt the sound of bone breaking. Once I connected, he crumpled like jenga. The girl just stayed there in shock. She didn’t think something like this would happen. Her ex bf was on the ground bleeding and just started talking more shit. A part of me wanted to stomp him out some more but I had to take this girl on a date.
So we get in the car and she apologizes for what happened. What a great start to a date! I wanted to punch the girl for being a heartless bitch. The date was pretty whack. I guess it was due to the fact that I was still angry about the fight. I was pissed because I was thinking what if we were together and this bitch does this to me. I made her laugh and I knew she was digging me but I just couldn’t get myself to just forget my thoughts and fuck her. So I took her back to her place after dinner and drinks. She gave me a kiss but I pulled back. She left and I never called her again. She called a few times but I think she got the point.
As I am writing this, I am thinking I should have fucked her anyways but when I was younger, I was a more upstanding human being.
So the fight with the ex was kinda bad but not even close to the disaster that happened with my buddy Cashmoney. Cashmoney calls me into his room one day and shows me a chick that he is talking to in the Midwest. The pictures were taken in a very peculiar angle. First of all, she used her desk lamp as her light source. She then angled the camera above her head and she also angled her head down. Sure we can see both eyes, nose, and lips but at that angle, even Condoleezza Rice would look hot. I just told Cashmoney she looks ok. He then informs me that she is coming to visit him the following week.
I figured she is some kind of crazy whore because who would meet a dude online that is in another state just to visit him? Yes she was gonna stay with him/us. So the day of arrival finally arrives and Cashmoney starts to head to the airport. Before he left, he had the look of a kid on Christmas day in a white household. (Christmas at Korean Households kinda sucks). Anyways, I am very curious to meet this chick too. So within an hour or so, Cashmoney is back. When I turn around to see the chick, I felt the urge to laugh really hard. The girl did not look like anything in the picture. Not even close! She introduces herself and I was trying really hard not to look at her face. Way too pale. Eyes really far away from the center (think Brandy). Teeth were going in many different directions. Cashmoney stood behind her and he had the look of utter shocked. It’s like he got promised a car and realized the car was a Hyundai. He didn’t seem happy at all.
So Midwesttroll planned to stay with Cashmoney for a week. She didn’t know a soul in LA. While Cashmoney was out at work, I was in the living room getting a little studying done for an upcoming midterm. Midwesttroll was also in the living room studying. I asked her what she was studying and she said “AP”. I asked if she was on Academic Probation at her college. She laughed and said “no for Advanced Placement”. I realized right then that Midwesttroll is a high school student. Cashmoney brought over a high school chick from the Midwest to bang. I didn’t ask her how old she was because I didn’t want to know whether or not my buddy was gonna get locked up for Statutory Rape.
Cashmoney tried his best to pretend to be busy. This way he would avoid the condo as much as possible which in turn meant he was gonna avoid Midwesttroll as much as possible. The poor beast would sit in his room all day to wait for him. We all felt a lil bad so every now and again we would give her water and food. She was like our pet.
One night we were drunk/high and chilling in the living room. Cashmoney was starting to pass out on the couch. Midwesttroll, with her wonderful sense of humor, decided it would be funny to draw on Cashmoney’s face. Which I wasn’t against, but she drew on him with a yellow highlighter. Cashmoney is Asian, so he is already possessed a yellowish hue to him. What a fucking idiot this chick was! Anyways, things got a lil intense because Cashmoney is an extremely light sleeper. He woke up while Midwesttroll was drawing things on his face. I have never seen the guy that mad in my life. He yanks away the highlighter and breaks it in half and throws it to the corner of the living room. We all looked in shocked. I thought Cashmoney was gonna punch the troll right square in the face but he didn’t. Statutory rape is one thing but assault would not be good on his record. He stormed into the room and Midwesttroll just stayed on the couch. She left and Cashmoney made us swear not to ever bring her up again. I guess I shouldn’t even write this but only 7 people know who Cashmoney is so I figure it’s all good.
1250 Westgate Part I
During my junior year of college, my friends and I had to move out of the dorms. UCLA guarantees housing for 2 years, but after that you are on your own. My friend’s dad purchased a condo for us to live in (not for free). The funny thing about the leasing agreement with his dad was that he wrote the contract wrong (FOB). So technically, the contract stated that he needed to pay us for living there. But I let it slide because it was a fucking dope ass condo. It was a 3 bedroom condo that was 2 stories. The first month we moved in we threw a house warming party and wrecked the place.
We invited people and it got to a point where there were about 150 people in the whole place. There was a lot of booze and a lot of other things going on. As always with a bunch of Asians, there were a few scuffles. The police came by 3 times. We offered the cop some beer and he just told us to keep it down. Fucker took the beer. Dirty pig!
That was the most drunk I have ever been in my life. I got so drunk, I spent half the time in the bathroom. I vomited things I didn’t know I ate. I ended up blacking out on the toilet. I am assuming I did because I had a bruise the shape of a toilet bowl on my chest. I woke up the next day to see our dope place in shambles. Beds were broken, one toilet was broken and the place just looked like the inside of a crack house. Trust me on this, I know what the inside of a crack house looks like. So I woke up some of the roommates to attempt to clean the house. The problem was we were all hung over.
At the time, we had 2 girls (Gumby and Shoulder Pads) subletting for a few weeks. They were friends of mine and cool chicks. We all started cleaning and we found something totally unexpected at our place. We found a still moist thong in the laundry room. We were trying to figure out who would just leave that kind of underwear at a stranger’s place. I asked Gumby and Shoulder Pads if the sticky undergarment belonged to them. They swore it wasn’t theirs. Although I gave em shit for it, I believed them. They weren’t whores. Then comes a knock on our door. When we opened it, it was a boxed filled with cigarette butts. The neighbor downstairs said that it was all from our party. She didn’t look too pleased. I said sorry and slammed the door on her face. There would be nothing good coming out of that talk. We tried to clean as best as we could but it wasn’t even close to looking like what it looked like when we moved in a month ago.
My 20th Birthday
A few months after we moved in, my roommates wanted to throw me a birthday party. They had the brilliant idea of hiring a stripper for my birthday. The stripper would come to our place and give us a private show. So my friends were on a gang of websites. They wanted to find the perfect stripper. They told me to invite whoever I wanted so invited some friends and told them a stripper was coming.
20 dudes came through. Lots of beer and booze was available. According to the website, an extra fee would be incurred if we wanted the session videotaped. Being poor yet crafty college students, we set up a shitty Logitech webcam from the second floor of our place. I haven’t seen the footage in years, and hopefully that thing doesn’t resurface but my friends are assholes so one day you will all see the whole session.
Anyways, the stripper finally arrives. She comes in with her “bodyguard”. The bodyguard looked like a taller Jonah Hill. The stripper looked very hot on the website but she looked a little weathered in person. Fuck you photoshop! So the stripper gets to work and starts giving us a show. Then she pulls me into the center of room. She strips me to my boxers and tells me to get on all fours. I was thinking bitch you are the whore you should be the one on all fours but I amused her wishes. She then asks my buddy SP for a belt. That fucker gave her the widest fucking belt ever. Last time I saw a belt like that it was around the waist of Hulk Hogan. I was drunk so the liquid courage kicked in. I figure I have been in tons of fights in my life and this lil coke head stripper wasn’t gonna hurt me. It was my birthday dammit. She wouldn’t hurt me! Well I was wrong. I knew something was up when she was whirling the belt in the air to rev up to hit me. The belt was whistling at a pretty high frequency. Then slap. The bitch hit me and caught me with the belt buckle. I wanted to get up and punch her in her taint. But all the other guys were laughing and I figured if it is funny, I will endure. She smacked me a few more times and that was that.
Then she tells me to lay on my back. She then takes a quarter and puts it on my nose. She then takes off her underwear and stands up above me and picks up the quarter without using her hands. The dirty whore squatted on my face and picked up currency with her vagina. Although she was nicely shaven and smelled of Johnson and Johnson baby oil, I was not happy with what she did. I thought for sure I had AIDS on my nose.
The shitty thing about the whole ordeal is that even though, I told the people that a stripper was coming a week in advance, none of the guys brought cash. I feel bad for my roommates that brought the stripper over because they had to go to the ATM and get more cash. I am sorry guys but the message of this story is, my friends are better than yours.