On a recent trip to Korea, I decided to take a trip to the local massage parlor (AKA whorehouse). Let me back up and start by saying that I am not opposed to paying for sex. As long as the person I am paying for is doing it on their free will. Meaning, they aren’t some sex slave. Sometimes, a guy just doesn’t want to go on dates and deal with what society deemed as the proper way to court a lady. Instead, they just want to satiate a primal urge. A vagina is usually always feels better than your own hand.
So after some ridiculously heavy drinking, my friends and I decided to go to the massage parlor. It was an interesting place because it was a lot different from the ones I’ve been to in LA. Different in the sense that it was way out in the open.
So we get the rundown from the Madam, who happened to be semi hot herself. So she tells us its $120 for one chick and $200 for 2 girls. Knowing a deal when I hear one, I chose the 2 girl combo. So the madam tells me that the first girl will pick us. The second one we are to describe the girl that we want, and the madam will look into her stable to see if anyone fits our specifications.
So for the first round of girls, chicks one by one came into our waiting room with Eyes Wide Shut masks on. Since we didn’t have the opportunity to pick the chick, my friends and I just hoped that the girl that picked us would be decent. So I get picked and the girl leads me to her room, still with the mask on. Once inside, she takes off her mask and I was thoroughly surprised. She was pretty damn cute. So after a little small talk, she got to work and she wasn’t earth shatteringly great but I figured I was her 20th dick of the day so I understand that she wouldn’t be thaaaat thrilled. Once I took off my shirt, she kinda got shocked by the amount of chest hair I have. But all in all she did a decent job and her service was exceptional. If there was a yelp write up, I’d fucking give her 4 stars.
Not sure how to get hard from this…
So after I got done with my session with the cute chick I was led back into the waiting room. The madam asked me what type of girl I wanted next. Being that I was drunk and permanently retarded, I told her I wanted to chick with a lot of curves. I’m in Korea, and those types of girls don’t exist in that country. She tells me she has the perfect girl. She leads me to another room, where my “curvy” whore is at. I was excited because I was happy with the first girl. When the door opened, the girl standing in front of me was not good looking at all. She wasn’t even curvy! The thing that pissed me off was that she looked like she just woke up from a nap. She even had a lil pillow indention on the side of face. I walked in and closed the door behind me. She then said hello while doing a “morning stretch”. I was pretty fucking pissed because it felt like I just wasted my money on a mediocre experience. To calm myself down, I lit a cigarette in the room and she told me I shouldn’t smoke because its bad for my health. My mind was about to explode. I just got health advice from someone you sucks dicks for a living. Ughhh. So I put out the cigarette and we got down to fucking. It was totally an angry fuck. I was pulling this girls hair. I was whispering nonsense in her ear. “Santa Claus aint real” I whispered, which confused the hell out of her. I decided that no one should be sleeping on the job and I hope I taught her a lesson.
Yea that type of morning stretch
When my friends and I left the whorehouse, it was around 10am. I saw people in suits and briefcases going to work, while we just stepped out of a den of sin. But for some odd reason, there was no shame for me. I went again a few days later to take more friends over there. They told us that was a 2hr wait. I left because I thought that was gross but my friends stayed.
Moral of the story: If there is a 2hr wait at a whorehouse, your hooker is busy being filled up at least 2 times before you. You should leave.
I would like to say that if a woman comes over to your place or hotel room after drinks, that is a clear sign that fucking should happen real soon. It should be common knowledge by now and if a chick goes to your house or hotel after 1am after drinks and gets shocked and appalled when the dude makes a move she is a total selfish and clueless jizz jar. Any dude that has the fortitude to resist sleeping with the girl deserves a medal for being a fucking pussy.
Well I am a recent recipient of such medal and I am still stewing over the missed opportunity for some vagina. Guys will usually think about a missed hook up opportunity like a chick misses a warehouse sale from their favorite brand.
So very recently, I got a message from a cute girl I met a while ago. She said she wanted to hang out and also for me to meet her friends. I am not sure if this was a show and tell situation or more of a “I wanna see you Danny because of your charisma and sheer sexiness” situation. I’m gonna go with option 2 because that is what boosts my ego.
Anyways, we set a place to meet up and at the arranged time I get there. I meet her friends who seemed like nice people. They were visiting from out of town and apparently were fans of mine. It was nice to meet them but I realized I had no business being there. So I disregarded that I have an ailment that forbids me from drinking, and got me some Jameson. Cute Girl orders a drink as well. The night ends with me about 3 cups of Jameson deep. Cute Girl had about 3 random cocktails as well.
I’d like to state that, I have seen this girl drink before and even though she ain’t a heavy drinker or anything, I knew her to be able to handle 3 drinks.
So at the end of night, I say my goodbyes to the out of towners and when I looked at Cute Girl I could tell she was in no way, shape, or form ready to drive. She was drunk. I was surprised because she was slurring a bit and acting tipsy. The pervert/guy side of me was thinking she is good to go. Inebriation is almost always a requisite for a one night stand. Then it got a little weird. She keeled over and started to puke her soul out. I’ve seen chicks throw up but this was a bit more excessive. Immediately my boner said Good Game and left.
Contrary to public notion, I do have a heart and realized her driving at this state would get her killed so I got a hotel room nearby and put her there. On the way to the hotel she looks at me and says, “I am trusting you oppa.” The words sound sweet on paper but I took it to mean if you touch me Imma holler rape. Boner completely disappeared.
As we are walking to the hotel room, I realized a few of the other doors were propped open. For all you innocent readers that come to my blog to learn something, a propped open door in hotels usually mean hookers are working them rooms. So here I am with the thought of sex branded on my brain yet on my arm is Cute Girl, barely conscious who yaked up about 2 days worth of food.
We get into the room and she immediately knocks out. I realized my window of having sex with the girl was completely closed. Sleepy vagina is never a fun thing. Have you ever had to have sex with a chick that is sleeping in fetal position? You gotta spit on your own penis and get into a weird sideways yoga position. Plus that is kinda borderline rape. But the fact that there is very attractive girl in my hotel room and we are both clothed really drove me nuts. So to fight from going insane, I go outside to smoke a cigarette. I hear clients going in and out of the hooker rooms which didn’t help my horniness. Furthermore, there was no atm in sight. Fucking shitty ass “historic” hotel.
At this point, you may be wondering why didn’t I just leave. Why subject myself to such temptation. The answer is that this hotel didn’t have a parking garage so I parked her car on the street. I didn’t want her to oversleep and get a ticket. Awww how sweet! As I am writing this I am scheduling a meeting between my face and my knuckles.
So i head back to the room and watch tv but in my head I was thinking what a shitty situation this is. I finally wake up Cute Girl in the morning so that she can move her car. She woke up and gave me the gf-morning after eyes and it made me extremely frustrated. I wanted to yell at her. I wanted to tell her that she is not allowed to give me that look because I was stewing in temptation for the last 10 hours. She got up and went to take a shower in the room. Man how can a man not go crazy with all this temptation. I went down stairs and smoked another cigarette because if I stayed there I would have kicked the bathroom door open with my cock in my hands. So we left the hotel and got to our cars. We embraced lightly and went our separate ways.
Driving back home the next morning, I get stuck in traffic. I was like these last 10 hours were pretty fucking whack.
I got home and masturbated furiously and shamefully. Well masturbation always ends shamefully. If you don’t believe me I dare every dude to bust a nut and look at themselves in the mirror. I guarantee you, that you will just shake your head and let out a sigh of despair.
The moral of this story is I am a fucking pussy and am not happy about it.
Let’s face it. If a guy farts, its hilarious. If a girl farts, she needs to learn some manners. Call it a double standard but I didn’t make up the rules of society so deal with it.
As much as I am a believer of the mantra above, I will let a female fart slide from time to time. I mean if its your significant other, then I guess you need to suck it up. Not literally, of course. Unless you are some kind of freak then I guess you are on the right page.
Anyways, this one is about the wonderful and unwanted present I received from a fuck buddy a while ago.Let me start by saying that one night stand sex is usually a selfish thing. Each person is just horny and needs certain needs taken care of. Even foreplay is just a means to get the other person riled up so that they can give you what you want.
For example, a guy going down on a chick. Aka munching the rug, grubbin on the fish taco, going to arby’s, etc. Well the act itself really doesn’t do anything for the dude. Sure its kinda sexy when the chick is into it but the act itself fulfills 2 things. 1) get that muthafacka wet. You don’t want to be putting cock in a dry hole. Trust me. Sex with a sleeping girl is not cool as it is in porn. 2) get the girl riled up so when it gets on and cracking her inner pornstar would come out.
So back to the fuck buddy. It was late (5am), I texted her and she was down for some SOON DAE so we met up. We skipped all the boring, how was your day what’s going on with you talk and got naked fast. So I ventured downwards and she was feeling it. She reeked of booze and cigarettes but I couldn’t complain because that’s probably what I smelled like. This girl was loud as fuck. So as I am downstairs, just counting the time before I think she is ready to pop, I felt this warm sensation on my neck. She didn’t say anything and I continued for a few seconds until I realized this chick farted. This trifling hoe gave me an invisible scarf and didn’t have the apologize. I stopped and asked her if she had an egg mcmuffin before she came here.
I guess she wanted to deny it til her dying day. I was pissed because I felt completely disrespected but we still boned anyways.
Moral of the Story: It takes a lot to turn down available vagina.
I have a buddy with some ridiculous game. He pulls chicks like he is trying to beat Chamberlain. Let’s call him Solo. Kinda sounds like Beavis and Butthead and an all around creep, but you gotta love this guy. Anyways Solo has a many ridiculous stories but here are some of my favorite:
99 Cent Store
So a few years ago, I head out to my buddy KSW’s birthday party. We head to a small hole in the wall drinking stablishment. I can’t remember where because I was supremely smashed that night. Anyways after bar, we ended up at a Karoake Room (AKA NRB). This is when Solo decided to make his entrance with a girl in tow. This girl was pretty good looking with a decent rack. I didn’t see her ass because that is disrespectful. So he introduces her to everyone. When I went in to shake her hand I looked at her and I had a sense that this chick was a bit off. She had a little crazy in her eyes. What transpired that night was one of the oddest NRB experiences I have ever had. And I have had a lot of em…
Every time Solo got to microphone to sing, Crazy Eyes decided that she would be his backup dancer. I was like this is one supportive bitch. The first time was cute, the fifth time I was thinking this girl is high! I understand the urge to dance to a fast upbeat song. That’s cute. But when someone starts backup dancing to slow ballads, you got a problem. That is what she did.
The night ends with like most nights in Ktown. You’re drunk, smell like cigarettes, and pretty much are guaranteed to wake up with a gnarly (yes I used the word gnarly) hangover. The next day, I had to meet up Solo for lunch so as soon as I met him I asked about the Crazy Eyes. “Where the hell did you find her?” He responds, “I found her at the 99 cent store.” I was like why the hell did you pick her up at a 99 cent store. Why the fuck were YOU at the 99 cent store? He responds “ Think about she is Korean and at the 99 cent store. She has made a lot of bad decisions in her life. She is at the end of the road dude.” I responded “you sir are fucking brilliant!”
All You Can Eat BBQ
Solo and some buddies recently went to an Korean Club. For all you folks that are not familiar with a Korean Club think of it like a normal club in Hollywood (ie filled with chinese folks) but they have a concept called booking. Booking is like speed dating. Waiters bring girls to a table of dudes. They converse and if the guy has enough game or money (game substitute) you may be able to take a girl home.
So Solo and my buddy Headright are sitting at a table and they see this chick sitting at by herself at a distance. Being a persuasive bastard, Headright tells Solo to go holler at her. Solo went over there and spend a good amount of time talking to her. He comes back to the table and tells Headright that she is a bit of a downer. Headright said “So? Go take her home you silly man.” Solo shrugged and went back to the chicks table. After some more frivolous banter, Solo takes her back to her place. I guess she was such a downer her friends ditched her.
What happened next made me laugh for 2 days straight. At her place(far as fuck), Solo tried to get cracking on the activity of making his ballsack rhythmically hit her poop chute AKA sex. But she stopped him. She told him that they will have sex if he promises to buy her all you can eat Korean BBQ the next day. She bartered her vagina for some AYCE BBQ! Solo agreed and they boned. So the next day, Solo drives the girl to Ktown for BBQ, then drops her off at her place which is far as fuck, then he comes back to Ktown where he lives. Wow!
Moral of this story is Korean Food Makes Panties Drop!
For all those guys that think all vaginas are magical I got news for y’all. Some of them are awful. When I was young I thought all Asian girls took care of themselves down there. Then my world came crashing down. I met this girl at a club. She was drunk and I figure drunk chicks make mistakes and well lets be honest, I’m a big fucking mistake.
Anyways, i take this drunk mess to my place. Its getting totally hot but as clothes started coming off, it started to smell more. Once she was fully naked i realized where the smell was coming from.
I don’t mind hair on a vagina but when it looks like a brillo pad, I’m not gonna be turned on. To add to that it smelled like this girl jogged a marathon inside this club. When it comes to sex, I’m the type to make sure the girl is having a good time. Usually that means going down on the broad but this one I was not gonna just go head first into her trash dumpster smelling cunt.
So she is going down on me I’m trying to figure out how imma go down on her without throwing up. She tells me she likes to have the lights on because she is a visual person. Well there goes the holding your nose technique I thought.
I could have been an asshole and be like do u douche with toilet water? But I thought against it because That would have shut down the cock train. Destination, stank cooch.
So I suggested we do the good ole 69 position. She sucked dick like she was running out of air and my balls are the only source of oxygen. She even made gagging noises. How sweet of her. While this was going on, I was on the other end just reluctant. I held my breathe and went to her downtown la skid row district. She seemed to like it a lot but being that I smoke cigs it was a bit tough for me. Can’t hold my breathe for that long.
After about 10 minutes of this, we went into fucking. All I can smell was her awful baby maker. She came up to kiss me and then told me my breathe stank.
She stopped what she was doing. She is trying to flip this shit on me. I wasn’t having any of it. I was like um you made me lick your national geographic vagina and now you this its my bad hygiene? She got off of me and started getting dressed. She was cussing me out. Me being captain mature called her dumpster pussy. She got mad and stormed out.
If you are reading this miss stankonia I apologize. I hope u get that horrible odor problem fixed.
