Being in the Entertainment business where Hollywood gives your soul a bukkake, I have met a lot of people that I wish would get hit by a bus. Sure it’s not right to wish ill upon people but that’s just nice folks talk. If you haven’t figured it out by now, I ain’t that nice. Here are some types of people that I want to shit in their toilet tanks (AKA upper decker) everyday:

1) Delusional Folks

There are lots of folks in this industry that think they are the shit. I mean I am all for being confident with your art, whether its singing, rapping, comedy-ing, film making, designing, programming, and whatever else you do for a living. However, there is a fine line between confidence and about to get a beat down. That line is there to let you know you shouldn’t cross it not to long jump over that bitch.

You ain’t that good muthafucka. If you were you would have already been discovered and making enough money to wipe your ass with a Grant or at least a Jackson. Sorry, I don’t know the pictures of any other countries currency. But the fact of the matter is, there is someone that will always be better than you. So sip on some of that humble tea laced with 3 table spoons of shut the fuck up.

There are a lot of people around me that call themselves actors, comedians, models, film makers, etc. Here is a message to them:

· Just because you did some student films and took some acting classes don’t make you an actor. Just because you did a short film that somehow made it to some shitty film festival, don’t make you an actor. So don’t go telling people you are an actor if you aint even on IMDB. If you are on IMDB make sure more than 1000 people have seen the project. If not, go work on your craft some more.

· A good buddy of mine, who is a very successful comedian, once told me, you can’t consider yourself a comedian unless you have at least 50 shows under your belt at a comedy club. And if you consider yourself a Youtube comedian then stop reading right here and go take a gun and shoot yourself. In my opinion, stand up is one of the hardest art forms. Sure I don’t know how to sing or draw so I aint too sure but stand up is fucking tough. You have to make the audience laugh every time you are on stage. Which may seem easy but it really isn’t. Just because you did well at an open mic night where a ton of your friends came don’t make you a comedian. Remember that when you bomb a set and feel like committing suicide.

· Just because you got a profile on model mayhem don’t make you a model. Just because you posed for a clothing line that sells 20 t-shirts a month don’t make you a model. Just because you think you are pretty and go to “casting calls” don’t make you a model. Also remember you aint gonna look like that for too long so you may wanna figure out a new profession.

· Don’t think that your 3-5 minute short film is the best thing to be put on film since Citizen Kane. Don’t approach actors like this will help launch them into superstardom. You probably aint that good if you are whining about not getting any breaks. So suck it up and work on your craft more before you come out again.

· To all entrepreneurs out there. Please keep the hustling and keep your mouths shut. Lots of people think their business model and brand is gonna be the next facebook, GAP, or whatever brand/company you can think of. The reality of it is, most of the times, your company wont even get close. Hell, some of yall might not even last. So keep hustling and stop poppin off. There will always be a more successful brand or company than yours. You aint the best programmer, designer, tshirt maker, clothing line, so be humble and shut the fuck up.

I AM NOT TRYING TO KNOCK ANYONE’S HUSTLE. Don’t get me wrong… If you are in these industries and you are doing your thing, more power to yall. All I am saying is that keep your head down and be humble. Confidence is ok but don’t act like your shit don’t smell.

2) Name Droppers

I fucking detest these cum stains on the bedsheet of life. I don’t give a fuck what your “famous friend” said the other day. I don’t give a fuck who you are close to. Most of these name droppers talk a big game. “Oh, I can get you into contact with this “FAMOUS PERSON”. I am sure he can help you with your career. Yall will get along great.” I have been told some variation of this about 100 times in my life. I have yet to meet that person. Most folks that name drop do so because they want to show that they are connected and cool. You aint that cool. So instead of telling me stories about an epic night with a star, and tell me how close you are to those people, why don’t you do something cool.

I am not sure if I wrote this story on this site before but here is the type of shit I go thru often.

I met up with a friend at a bar. He was there with some of his homies. So I go say wassup to my boy, and he says, “Yo my friend here is an actor. Yall should connect.” So I say wassup to this dude. “ I go so you are an actor. What are you working on?” This vessel of shit says “I don’t know if you have heard of him but I am working on a project with Harvey Weinstein.” I wanted to Tiger Uppercut this dumbass.

There are some people that name drop people that aren’t famous or powerful. WTF! They should be set on fire. This one guy name dropped an Asian Party Promoter to me once. I almost spit in his face. I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST PARTY PROMOTERS. I am friends with quite a few of them. But please don’t tell me you can get me into an Asian Party at some club in Hollywood. Save that ticket for a 21 year old chick that still thinks its cool to order an Adios Motherfucker.

So a lot of people are posting up the video of the homeless dude with the golden voice. I get it. He has a crazy voice that you wouldn’t expect from a bum. But enough already. Sure it’s a cool story where the guy got a second chance in life. He got to take a shower and got a job. But this shit is getting ridiculous.

I don’t want to be walking around Downtown LA (homeless capital of LA) with all these bums singing and dancing in hopes of getting discovered. No need to watch the Thriller video live. The music video was long enough. The reason I am kinda not impressed is because sure he has a good voice but so does a lot of hardworking people. Why does this homeless guy get a new lease on life.

That’s like a decent dancer being down on his luck. Being homeless for a bit and then someone films him pop lockin, he gets a million plus hits and he goes on Ellen or Oprah show that will give him some press. What about the people that have similar or even better talents and yet this guy gets a new house and a job.

Mr. Ted Williams apparently was in the business before. Plus this dude had a pretty long rap sheet and is trying to kick a drug addiction. So for us to get all caught up on this media bullshit about some fuck up with a gang of kids who got lucky because of someone’s flip cam, is ridiculous. In the words of my good buddy PSUN, Fuck that foo!

Girl with a lot of guy friends vs. girl with a lot of girl friends vs. girl with no friends

All are fucking retarded…

Girls with a lot of guy friends are retarded because they think that these guys are just platonic friends. A guy and a girl can never be good platonic friends. Well unless the chick is pure ugly. The girl doesn’t realize that her guys friends have once and still do think about fucking her. And if the opportunity arises (ie alcohol) they will try to play a game of just a tip. Now if a girl like this is in a relationship, it puts the bf in a bad situation because the bf will always be a little suspicious of the girls other guy friends. When this is mentioned, the bf will seem like he is jealous. Where is the trust you might ask? Well the thing is, the guy may trust the gf but he definitely doesn’t trust the guy friends. When there is a little trouble in the relationship, the chick will tell the guy friends about it and them muthafuckas are gonna undoubtedly play the sensitive and thoughtful card because its to give the chick the false impression that they care. They truly don’t. They just wanna fuck you. Then when they do try to make a move, the chick is all shocked. You don’t believe me. Get drunk and sleep over you guy friend’s place.

Girls with a lot of female friends are retarded because they tell each other EVERYTHING. There are no secrets with these bitches. Guys don’t tell their homies EVERYTHING. For example there was a chick I was dating when I was a lot fatter. I had this rash on my stomach because I was fat. Only me, my gf at the time, and the dermatologist knew I had the rash. That Christmas, my girl’s friend gives me rash cream as a Christmas gift. That bitch isn’t even a pharmacist. That night me and my girl got into an argument. She was like “ I don’t care if you tell your friends about me.” “Really you want them to know you have hair on your asshole? And for your birthday it would be cool for them to get you a razor or nosehair trimmer?”

Guys may tell her homies about a one night stand. Some girl he doesn’t care about. He will talk about everything in detail. Smelly vagina, hairy ass, weird noises the chick makes, etc. But they wont talk about their gf’s in that way. Even if she has a weird mole or birthmark, that shit will not be uttered to the homies.

Girls with no friends are also retarded. Unless of course she is new to the area then its understandable but if the chick has no friends whatsoever then its gonna be a problem. Guys, don’t date these broads because they are gonna latch onto you like a retard to a gumball machine. Say you gonna get into a fight. Who the hell does she turn to? That is just gonna make her a crazy bitch. On top of that, there is a reason she aint got friends. Bitch is no good. So treat it like 4^th and long and punt.

Guys with a ton of girlfriends are whack. These guys may argue that they have a lot of options but the guy with a ton of female friends are either gay or they are the ones that try to get with a chick in distress. They are dangerous because they really don’t give a shit about the chicks. They just don’t have the balls to try to get with any of these chicks and get relegated to the friend zone. He may seem like he is fine with it but I bet you money that he jerks off more to people that he knows. People that jerk off to people they know is one scary person.

There is a major problem with the generation we have today. Even though there are a lot of technological and medical advances in my short time here, I gotta say that it hasn’t led to a greater generation

Spanking your kids

Most kids are dumb. They will fuck up from time to time. So as a parent it is your job to make sure your kids fuck up the least amount. My parents whooped my ass when I fucked up. A kid doesn’t have a firm grasp of consequences. They wont think stealing this pack of gum will put them in jail. But if they got their ass whooped by their parents, they will know that stealing a pack of gum will get them an asswhooping.

They will learn later that it will put them in jail. But now with all these child abuse bullshit laws, parents are too scared to discipline these fuck ups. Then they grow up without discipline and become douchebags.

Bullshit Pills

When I was a kid, there was no such thing as ADD. Parents are blame dodging assholes. Oh my son can’t focus on studying. Of course they can’t focus you dumbass. They are kids. They have their mind fixated on fun shit. Studying for a kid is the last thing they wanna do. But then they go see a fucking whack job doctor that wants to take your money and claim your kid has ADD. Prescribe you some pills and say it will help your kid focus. Adderol is like diet cocaine. Trust me, I have had some before so I speak from experience.

Same thing for depression. There are actual signs for this bullshit diagnosis. Here they are if you are wondering:

§ Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

§ Loss of interest in daily activities.

§ Appetite or weight changes.

§ Sleep changes.

§ Irritability or restlessness.

§ Loss of energy.

§ Self-loathing.

§ Concentration problems.

§ Unexplained aches and pains.

Look everyone feels some of these symptoms. You get tired. You get bored of shit. Sometimes you aint hungry. Its just that people are not as tough as they used to be. Our fathers and grandfathers have been thru wars, depression, political strife and shit ton of other things. They didn’t need a pill to make em feel better. They just sucked it up and fucking powered through. But people don’t power through anymore. Instead of trying to fix themselves because they are shitty, they chalk it up to being diagnosed with depression.

3) Bullshit statistics

People don’t understand that statistics can be altered. Someone recently rattled off a stat she heard that 1 in 4 women are raped. I wanted to call bullshit because that number seemed really high. Who care about that stat? Just let it go. For some reason I couldn’t because these types of stats can add to the pussy-ness of this generation. I am dismissing rape in a casual sense at all. I know people that have been raped and its been really tough on them. However, I think that sometimes girls are equating regret with rape. Let me explain…

Sometimes you are pure drunk. The guy you considered a platonic friend said don’t drive drunk just crash at my place. You consider him a friend because he doesn’t meet you standards or he doesn’t turn you on. Anyways, so you sleep on his bed and his ass makes a move on you. You don’t fully remember but next thing you know your friend is laying pipe and then he pulls out and nuts on your stomach. I guess he respects you. You are not sure how you feel about what happened and then the next morning you regret it and you may claim it as rape.

How about the 16 year old chick that is dating an 18 year old dude? They start fucking which is natural. Then he fucks up and they get into a fight. By law this dude is a rapist too.

Also sometimes when you broads say no, it doesn’t always mean that.

I can agree that 1 in 4 chicks have been violated. But rape? I don’t think so. The reason I am riled up about this situation is because with younger chicks that have been hearing these types of stats. They will look back and claim they too have been raped when in all actuality you were just one dumb broad that regretted the dick that was inside you. Then with the mindset that you have been raped, you gonna be fucked up automatically. You are gonna have relationship problems and then chalk them problems to you being “raped”. Instead of figuring out why you suck at relationships you just blame it on the raped.

Then you are gonna get depressed about it and get a pill for that.

I hope that this year people start to man up and be completely real with themselves. Please stop being pansy muthafackas. Thanks!

This one is gonna sound fucked up but its what I am feeling and its my blog so if you don’t like it eat a big bowl of dick.

I’ve been seeing some broads in the late 20s-early 30s acting a fool in the clubs and bars. Here is my message to you useless jizz jars:

I absolutely detest when these older broads are acting like they are 22 and shit. You guys might have been cute back then but the same shit you pulled back then was “excused” as cute because of y our age. The dudes that were messing with you back then let all that shit go because they wanted to get in your vagina then pull out and leave DNA lotion on your mug. Now that you are a full blown adult, all that shit you try to do at a club make you look retarded and dumb. If guys are fucking with you now, its because you were the last option. Let me say it again, they were trying to mess with them young bitches but since they got shot down, they gonna try to get at your leathery ass before they inevitably go home and jerk off if they strike out with you.

So what is the point of your old asses getting wasted and acting sloppy? Some of you might argue “What, I am just having fun.” Right because waking up the next morning with a stranger’s dead baby residue in your vagina and throat is always a good time. Shut it down and act like grown ass women. I ain’t hating on all women of this age range. Some of yall are great women who are smart and got their shit together. But some of you tramps are delusional. You may think you are a great catch but your friends have been lying to you. You aint cute no more.

I am not sure where I heard this analogy but I will state it here. Vagina is like a car. That shit starts to depreciate the older you get. I really wish there was a Kelley Blue Book or Beckett Price Guide on your ass.

Now some of you miserable zeroes will comment that I aint shit. You are absolutely right. I’m an awful person most of the times.

Women can shit on me all they want. They can say I was terrible in bed… OOOOH. That killed my self-esteem. Look you cum buckets. Get this through you pumpkin faces… I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. You let me put my penis in you and then let me nut on your grill. I absolutely fucking win.

FYI if a dude has baby showered on your face that is a clear sign that he doesn’t respect you. There is no way in hell I am gonna nut of the face of the mother of my children.

BTW. I did not get into a fight with my girl. We are doing absolutely great.

• IAMMEDIC