1250 Westgate Part I
During my junior year of college, my friends and I had to move out of the dorms. UCLA guarantees housing for 2 years, but after that you are on your own. My friend’s dad purchased a condo for us to live in (not for free). The funny thing about the leasing agreement with his dad was that he wrote the contract wrong (FOB). So technically, the contract stated that he needed to pay us for living there. But I let it slide because it was a fucking dope ass condo. It was a 3 bedroom condo that was 2 stories. The first month we moved in we threw a house warming party and wrecked the place.
We invited people and it got to a point where there were about 150 people in the whole place. There was a lot of booze and a lot of other things going on. As always with a bunch of Asians, there were a few scuffles. The police came by 3 times. We offered the cop some beer and he just told us to keep it down. Fucker took the beer. Dirty pig!
That was the most drunk I have ever been in my life. I got so drunk, I spent half the time in the bathroom. I vomited things I didn’t know I ate. I ended up blacking out on the toilet. I am assuming I did because I had a bruise the shape of a toilet bowl on my chest. I woke up the next day to see our dope place in shambles. Beds were broken, one toilet was broken and the place just looked like the inside of a crack house. Trust me on this, I know what the inside of a crack house looks like. So I woke up some of the roommates to attempt to clean the house. The problem was we were all hung over.
At the time, we had 2 girls (Gumby and Shoulder Pads) subletting for a few weeks. They were friends of mine and cool chicks. We all started cleaning and we found something totally unexpected at our place. We found a still moist thong in the laundry room. We were trying to figure out who would just leave that kind of underwear at a stranger’s place. I asked Gumby and Shoulder Pads if the sticky undergarment belonged to them. They swore it wasn’t theirs. Although I gave em shit for it, I believed them. They weren’t whores. Then comes a knock on our door. When we opened it, it was a boxed filled with cigarette butts. The neighbor downstairs said that it was all from our party. She didn’t look too pleased. I said sorry and slammed the door on her face. There would be nothing good coming out of that talk. We tried to clean as best as we could but it wasn’t even close to looking like what it looked like when we moved in a month ago.
My 20th Birthday
A few months after we moved in, my roommates wanted to throw me a birthday party. They had the brilliant idea of hiring a stripper for my birthday. The stripper would come to our place and give us a private show. So my friends were on a gang of websites. They wanted to find the perfect stripper. They told me to invite whoever I wanted so invited some friends and told them a stripper was coming.
20 dudes came through. Lots of beer and booze was available. According to the website, an extra fee would be incurred if we wanted the session videotaped. Being poor yet crafty college students, we set up a shitty Logitech webcam from the second floor of our place. I haven’t seen the footage in years, and hopefully that thing doesn’t resurface but my friends are assholes so one day you will all see the whole session.
Anyways, the stripper finally arrives. She comes in with her “bodyguard”. The bodyguard looked like a taller Jonah Hill. The stripper looked very hot on the website but she looked a little weathered in person. Fuck you photoshop! So the stripper gets to work and starts giving us a show. Then she pulls me into the center of room. She strips me to my boxers and tells me to get on all fours. I was thinking bitch you are the whore you should be the one on all fours but I amused her wishes. She then asks my buddy SP for a belt. That fucker gave her the widest fucking belt ever. Last time I saw a belt like that it was around the waist of Hulk Hogan. I was drunk so the liquid courage kicked in. I figure I have been in tons of fights in my life and this lil coke head stripper wasn’t gonna hurt me. It was my birthday dammit. She wouldn’t hurt me! Well I was wrong. I knew something was up when she was whirling the belt in the air to rev up to hit me. The belt was whistling at a pretty high frequency. Then slap. The bitch hit me and caught me with the belt buckle. I wanted to get up and punch her in her taint. But all the other guys were laughing and I figured if it is funny, I will endure. She smacked me a few more times and that was that.
Then she tells me to lay on my back. She then takes a quarter and puts it on my nose. She then takes off her underwear and stands up above me and picks up the quarter without using her hands. The dirty whore squatted on my face and picked up currency with her vagina. Although she was nicely shaven and smelled of Johnson and Johnson baby oil, I was not happy with what she did. I thought for sure I had AIDS on my nose.
The shitty thing about the whole ordeal is that even though, I told the people that a stripper was coming a week in advance, none of the guys brought cash. I feel bad for my roommates that brought the stripper over because they had to go to the ATM and get more cash. I am sorry guys but the message of this story is, my friends are better than yours.
UCLA Dorm Years Part II
During the second year I had a roommate. Let’s call him Harry. Harry was an interesting dude. He was smart. Like scary smart. My taekwondo instructor met him once and said I should be nice to him because he looks like he could probably blow up a building or something. He kinda looks like the Korean dude that shot up all those students at Virginia Tech.
Anyways, Harry was pretty cool with me. Our room had close to 200 dollars worth of hard liquor all the time. Whiskey and Scotch was what we drank. We were fucking 19 at this point. Anyways, Harry was dating this chick and one day I guess they decided they should have sex. Which is great but I was in the room. They thought I was sleeping but I was awake.
I was “sleeping” on my side, facing them. I realized they were about to have sex but if I made any sudden movements, that would throw off their horniness. So being the homie that I am I had to stay still. The thing is, I don’t mind watching porn or watching sex but that is because the chicks are usually hot or have nice bodies. This chick filled none of those requirements. So as I am laying there, I see her mounting Harry. Just pale ass going up and down really didn’t sit well with me. I wanted to throw up so I decided to move but again, I didn’t want to make a sudden movement because Harry is my homie.
So keeping the rest of my body completely still, I slowly started moving my head the other direction. I had to stay in that position for a long time. Fucker was taking too long. I was in the most uncomfortable position possible. My body was facing one way and my head was facing 180 degrees of my body. It was very Exorcist-esque. So finally they finish. But they start talking, since that is what a lot of girls like to do after sex. I wanted to slam icicles with AIDs juice into my ears because it was some of the dumbest fucking things ever uttered out of a human’s mouth. That is when I moved my whole body to catch up with my face. Damn, the things I would do for friends.
Another interesting story was one about this girl named Amy (not her real name but if she reads this, she might sue me). Anyways, Amy really liked my best friend Terry. Like really wanted to have his babies, liked him. The thing is, she was pretty damn gross looking. She looked like animal from the Muppet Babies. She was not hot at all. Sure this sounds mean but let’s be honest, she was busted and no guy with reasonable standards would want to be out in public with her. They say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. I say to them, sometimes when the cover is too fucked up you just don’t want to read the book.
Anyways, Amy, Terry, and I were in the same calculus class. If you don’t know me, I try to get to things a little earlier because I hate being late. Terry who happened to be already near class was already infront of the courtyard facing the lecture hall. He was talking to some chick about something while Amy was there and it looked like she was waiting to talk to him. Like he is some ride at an amusement park. I am sure she would have loved to ride him. So from afar I see this situation, so I figured I would have to fall on the grenade because I am a dope friend like that.
I walk into the scene with the most depressed face ever. Amy happens to see this and comes up to me and asks what’s wrong. I make up this story about how I bombed a midterm or something. I never bomb tests btw. I am a genius like that. Anyways, she says “Aww” and give me a hug. Terry sees this and give me that look. That you are a fucking down ass homie look. I gave him the “imma fucking kick you in the throat look” Obviously, Amy didn’t see any of this. I think she thought if she got to his best friend then she could have an “in” with Terry. Stupid bitch. So after the hug she goes, “we are gonna be late for class” and grabs my hand and leads me into the lecture hall. I look back and Terry is laughing his ass off. Throughout the class, I text terry over and over again how I am gonna shit on his pillow and things of that nature. I couldn’t stand Amy and I was not about to sit the next 2 hours next to her. So eventually, I made some excuse that I wasn’t feeling well and told her to take notes for me. I left walked outta class and Terry followed me. Damn you Terry!
UCLA Dorm Years Part I
Well senior year of high school was pretty uneventful. I was Senior Class Treasurer. Yes Asian dude in charge of the money. (Insert Joke). I did ok in school. I did my fair share of cheating to get decent enough grades. I got into a decent amount of schools but I decided on UCLA. I don’t regret it one bit. I figure I could have gone to any other school but here is why UCLA was pretty awesome. For a pretty decent school, there were a lot of cute girls. I am a firm believer that God is fair. If you are an unusually smart chick then your looks have to be inversely proportional. For the kids that don’t know what that means let me explain. If you are damn smart then chances are you are damn ugly. Sure there are exceptions but if you don’t believe me then check out the MIT campus. Sorry MIT for blowing up your spot but that place had some of the ugliest females I have ever seen. They were really nice though. UCLA seemed to have decently smart girls that also looked decent as well. Sure there were trolls at UCLA too but there were lookers as well.
On top of the decent looking chicks, the dorm food was pretty stellar. According to surveys, UCLA was in the top 5 of best dorm foods across America. These surveys might be off because I was the one conducting them. Anyways, the food was awesome. Only Cornell had better food but the school was damn depressing.
And its West LA. The weather was always good here. Fuck all that snow and rain shit that other cities go through. You can argue that I should have gone to a San Diego school but let’s get serious now, I wanted to go a decent and reputable school.
So the first couple years were spent me gaining massive amounts of weight because of that damn good dorm food. Ughh! I gained a good 60 lbs in college. So the first year, I was paired up to live with an asian kid named Daniel. I guess the people thought it would be funny to pair two asian dudes named Daniel together. Harhar…. My roommate Daniel was very conservative. He would always stay in his room and do whatever it is he did on the computer. He was not too talkative and not that helpful but he didn’t really step on my toes much so that was cool.
The one time I wanted to hit him was I had a girl over and we were watching a movie. Now if I was him, I would have left the room to let the roommate do whatever he needed to do. I thought that was guy code but obviously this guy didn’t get the handout. So the movie we were watching was RoadTrip. And when the titty scene was on the screen, good ole Daniel sees the plethora of tits and yells out “Oh my word!” He then proceeds to look away and I guess he was kinda uncomfortable about the site of areolas. I dunno if he was gay or not but I don’t think a female walked into our room that was his guest.
Being that good ole Daniel was a bit of a square, I usually hung out at my suitemates’ room. Those guys were cool. Brad and Samer were always chill. Brad was an Indian dude that would on a drop of a dime hit that hacky Indian accent. Even though they were part of this Christian fellowship group, they always were able to handle my crassness. We also had some epic video game battles. Samer was a cool dude. I know he would be a lil miffed if I said this but I doubt he will ever read this so fuck it. We all shared a bathroom and every time I walk in the bathroom, I see baby powder in the floor. One day I was so curious that I walked into Samer and Brad’s room and asked if anyone is shooting free throws in the bathroom. (Basketball reference) Samer fessed up and said that he was powdering his sack to keep em from getting all sweaty and sticky. Good to know Samer. Hahah.
The extra plus about UCLA was that my best friend Terry was also a student there. We decided that it would not be good to live with each other because we might get on each other’s nerves. Terry lived at Sproul hall in a triple. That meant there were 3 people living in a small ass dorm room. Terry’s roommates were pretty damn cool. One of them Chris was a very interesting dude. He would cut people’s hair in the communal bathroom. I remember the first time he cut my hair. I took off my shirt and he was laughing at the amount of chest hair I had. I guess he didn’t believe that an Asian dude could have chest hair like I do.
The funniest story involving Chris makes me laugh to this day. So one day, Terry’s female friend Jackie came to visit him. I knew Jackie as well because she lived in my dorm complex. Anyways, Jackie is in Terry and Chris’s room and I notice that she had an unusual amount of arm hair. When I pointed it out, Chris offered to shave it off for her and proceeds to pull out his hair clippers. She says, “I dare you…” To which Chris shrugs and then shaves off a patch of hair. She looks at that bald patch looks up and starts bawling. She runs out crying to which Chris looks at me and says, “Dude, she dared me.” Damn I love that guy.
The Crew
Since me and the asian kids didn’t get along, I had to find friends that had similar interests. It was a weird mix of people. Here is a brief description of some people that kicked it at the set.
Eddie
Eddie was probably my first friend at South Pasadena High. That dude always listened to Easy-E and Bone Thugs and Harmony. He would have this cd player and the biggest fucking headphones I have ever seen. He treated the cd and headphones like they were his prized possession. We never really knew what nationality he was. I think he was part latin. I dunno. The funny thing about Eddie is that that dude always walked like he was a thug. He too was new to the school and didn’t know anyone on campus. However, this fool walked like a confident cholo. I guess that is why we connected on that level. I understood the false confidence. I think it was sophomore year, when Eddie had this white girlfriend. Actually, he always gravitated toward white girls. That is why I always thought he was part black.
Milkshake
Milkshake was this white kid. He was also new to the district. I don’t quite remember how Milkshake came to kick it with us but he did. His real name was Mike but we called him Milkshake because he was particularly a big dude. Big as in fat. This dude always wore FUBU shirts. His wardrobe always consisted of either a blue or black FUBU tshirt. I am sure why we called him Milkshake. I don’t think I have ever seen him eat a milkshake in my life if that is what you are thinking. Naturally one day, the boys got into a little game of make fun of Mike and one dude decided to lift Mike’s shirt. Through his struggling, we saw his pasty stomach shake. Hence we started calling him Milkshake. Damn we were fucked up to Mike.
Cockroach
We called this dude cockroach because he was the blackest dude on the planet. When Chapelle did that skit about Rick James and he called the Charlie Murphy darkness, I was thinking these dudes aint anything compared to cockroach. The only thing you can see is his eyes, gums, and teeth. Dude was damn strong and would have done well in sports. However, he was more interested and “talented” in extracurricular activities. Cockroach pretty much had crime covered. I remember one time I was driving down the street and I see cockroach in a very shitty bike with a basket in the front. When I pulled next to him, I saw that the basket had 2 recently stolen car radios and a screw driver. This fucker stole car radios at the nearby supermarket in broad daylight! On top of that, he was in a damn bike. I didn’t say he was the smartest dude.
Ty
Ty transferred to South Pasadena from South Carolina. This dude was as country as you can possible get. There were times where I had no idea what they fuck he was saying. But he was a funny dude. Fucking high-larious. Ty would have absolutely no shame on hitting on girls. It didn’t matter what they looked like. I think I remember one time we were trying to hook our Indian homeboy up with this pretty cute Indian chick who is in a high grade but she was younger than her. Yes yes, typical over achieving Indian chick. Anyways, when me and Ty told her about this dude, she was like “Uh, I don’t like younger guys”. Ty without hesitation said “ Bitch a dick is a dick!” She was mortified but I could not fucking stop laughing. Holy shit, I am giggling just thinking about the look on the girls face. Yes, I giggle from time to time. Ty didn’t stay at South Pasadena for long. I believe he stayed for about a year and then bounced. We never heard from him again.
Big Willie
Big Willie was indeed a big dude. He was built like a refrigerator. Like a solid rectangular block. Big Willie was not much of a talker. If he was, I don’t remember much. The thing I remember about Big Willie was that he used to fuck this fat white girl. He would always tell us about his experiences with her. I found his descriptions funny because the dude obviously did not have any feelings for her. The day we laughed our asses off was when he was describing how the chicks tits would move during sex. She was fat and so were her tits. So for the younger kids, fat tits usually sag. Well Willie was saying that her areolas were never pointed at him. He said he doesn’t think he had a good look at em ever. Me, being quite knowledgeable about areolas deduced that she had pink nipples (Gross!). I realize the story would not be funny so I shall spare you the details.
Micah
Micah was an interesting dude. We always had the suspicion that he was part of the Crips. That fool always wore blue and talked about being in a gang all the time. Micah was a black dude that had the weirdest giggle. I liken it to the crack giggle that crack heads have after completing a sentence. It is their way of indicating that their though was over. Anyways the event that I remember most about Micah is that me and him wanted to make a quick buck. So in school there was this dude that was absolutely dirty. Dirty as in absence of good hygiene. I believe his name was Matt. Anyways, Matt always wore the same black shirt and black pants every single day. The dude smelled like a homeless dude. It was terrible. Anyways, one day Matt comes up to us and asked if we knew where he could get hallucinogenic mushrooms. Micah jumps at the chance and said if he bring him 50 bucks, we can get it for him. He says sure and that he will be back at lunch time the next day. So Micah runs to the nearby supermarket and buys normal mushrooms. He then douses it in bleach and Drano and wraps it up in aluminum foil! The next day, dirty matt comes through and give Micah the 50 bucks. Micah gives him the shrooms. Thank God the kid didn’t die.
There were a couple more folks that kicked it at the set but I am a tad bit lazy to write about all of them. The sad thing was that during senior year, I couldn’t kick it with them much. I rarely had a class with these guys. I was always in AP or Honors classes and they unfortunately weren’t in any of my classes. On top of that I was part of the Student Council during my senior year. But I do thank the members of the crew for making most of my high school career damn fun.
Since my neighborhood was not known for its educational excellence, my parents enrolled me in South Pasadena High School. The education level in East LA was terrible. We learned fractions in the 8th grade. If you are wondering why this is a bad thing then you should go shoot yourself in the face with a bazooka. Fractions is a concept that should be taught and digested pre-middle school. You can imagine when algebra came into the mix. I don’t claim to be good at math but algebra is not a hard subject. Oh wow, letters in equations. OMG this is so hard!
Lots of comics have talked about how ADD and other learning disorders are bullshit and I completely agree. Learning disorders weren’t around when my parents were students. The dumb kids just ended up getting weeded out. Some people are just not cut out for college and higher learning.
Anyways, South Pasadena was a very different place from East LA. There were Asians and White people. Before setting foot in South Pasadena, I did not see a white person in real life. I just saw them in movies or the news. You can imagine what a shock it was for me when I got to South Pasadena High School. I didn’t know a single soul in the school. Well my cousin Esther and Joe went there but we rarely saw each other on campus. I was just a lowly freshman. Thanks guys for taking care of me. Jerks! There were a lot of Asians there but I really didn’t get along with them at first. I may be Asian by appearance but I was more Mexican than anything. Damn I remember the first couple of weeks sucked ass.
Well the first day of school, the student council decided to hand out bagels to the freshmen. It was a gesture to welcome them to secondary schooling. How nice of them. The problem was, I had no idea what a bagel was. Bagels are not prevalent in the East LA or Korean Cuisine. So the girl that came to give me the bagel was the hottest asian girl I have seen in my life. She was like here is a bagel. I thought a bagel was just what white people call a donut. So when I took a bite into the Bagel, it was stale and not glazed. It was fucking bread with a hole in it. I was so pissed off. I yelled, why would you give me a stale ass donut?! Hot Asian girl looked at me confused as all hell. She replied,” Uhm, its not a donut. It’s a bagel. You should try it with cream cheese.” I realized that I must have looked like an ignorant asshole. I couldn’t even look cool in this situation. Sheepishly, I said thanks and walked away.
That night, I went on the internet and researched what bagels were. And then I went to the nearest supermarket and bought all kinds of bagels. Water bagels, French onion bagels, Raisin bagels. You name em, I bought them all. After pretty much giving myself carb poisoning, I realized that bagels are terrible.
They are hard as shit to cut properly. It’s just expensive bread! On top of that, the hottest asian girl that I have ever laid eyes on thinks I’m a fucktard. Rita, if you ever read this, I know what bagels are now.
