Posted December 22nd, 2009 by

Drinking is Bad for Your Image

During my Senior Year of college, I was president of the Korean-American Students Association (KSA). The group was pretty notorious for all the drinking and smoking. We were always called the Korean Smokers and Alcoholics Association. Anyways, when I became president, I genuinely wanted to change the image of the club. Sure we would have parties and get wild but I made it a point to do community service events as well.

One of the bigger events for KSA every year is the ski trip. This particular year we had a bunch of other schools with us. UC Riverside, UC Irvine, and UC Santa Barbara all came with us. We pretty much owned Mammoth mountain that week. Anyways, every year we have a lot of Freshmen kid getting one of their first cracks at alcohol. One of my freshmen, got really trashed. Then he had the audacity call the upper classmen out. He said he could out drink all of us.

Before I get into the rest of the story, I wanted inform you readers about Koreans and their rules about respect. A younger person should never disrespect an elder. Sure it sucks to show respect to someone just because they are older but that is how it is in Korean culture.

So back to the story… We were pretty shocked by this kid calling us out. So we sat him down and went shot for shot with the kid. Tequila, Vodka, Jack Daniels were all shot. Eventually the kid was in no condition to be functional so we sent him upstairs to go to sleep.

The rest of the group just decided to resume partying. Well, after an hour or so, I started being a little concerned with the kid. A staff member (Erick) and I decide to go check on him. When we got to the room, we were hit with the stench of shit. We checked the bathroom to see if someone just left a present and didn’t flush. Nope, the bowl was clean.

After a few seconds to think, I realized that the kid shat in his pants. But just to make sure, I made Erick do a sniff test. His findings proved my theory to be true. We woke the kid up and sent him to the bathroom to wash up. But every step he took, a little piece of shit fell out of his pant leg. He left a shit trail to the bathroom.

Of course, I had Erick clean up the mess. He told me the quickest way to sober up is to clean someone else’s shit. I never tried it but I am sure he is right. Anyways, the kid’s name is a blur to me but I remember the nickname we gave him. Choco Panties. I kind of feel bad for Choco because he rarely came out to other events after that. The lesson of the day is, don’t drink too much because well shit happens.

Posted December 13th, 2009 by

Marco Polo

During most of his collegiate career, SP had a roommate (Captain Rollerhockey). Captain Rollerhockey was a very interesting character. He was of Chinese decent but aside from his small eyes and crazy work ethic, he was far from Asian. We was an avid fan of Roller Hockey, hence the moniker.

Captain Rollerhockey was very much a late bloomer in everything. When his high school sweetheart broke his heart during college, he took his first swig of anything alcoholic. He got a Zima (pansy ass) and took it to campus drank it alone somewhere on campus and got drunk. I would like to repeat, he was very much a late bloomer.

During Sophomore year of college, SP was dating this hideous girl. She was an easy lay. SP set up a date with Captain Rollerhockey and his hideous girl’s older sister. The older sister was a lot better looking. Anyways, Captain Rollerhockey lost his virginity to her. When we found out, SP (a pure jackass) opened the window to his dorm room and yelled “My roommate is no longer a virgin!” Thinking this wasn’t enough, he got on his AIM buddy list and instant messaged everyone on his list. Then he did the same on Captain Rollerhockey’s, WOW’s, and mine.

Things were good in the beginning for the Captain and his chick. She was a bit of a freak so that is awesome. Anyways, Captain Rollerhockey is blind as a bat. He has glasses that were probably bulletproof. One night, they go into the bedroom. They figured that SP was fast asleep and they begin to mess around. The room was completely dark.

This is when the chick decided it would be fun to play this wonderful game of Marco Polo. The captain was sans glasses and she runs to the corner of the room. With her high pitched voice she says “Captain Rollerhockey, Catch me if you can!” The Captain did his best Frankenstein walk toward his chick and she ran to the other side of the room and yelled that she is not there. For a few minutes this was going on, then SP (who was not asleep at all) chimes in “Uh, hey guys, I am still awake.” Man I would have punched both Captain Roller Hockey and his chick squarely on their beaks.

Unfortunately for Captain Rollerhockey, his chick was a bit of a cum bucket. She actually made out with other dudes in front of him. I would have dropped kicked (ala Marty Janetty of the Rockers) the living shit out her but he was nice. They eventually broke up and the Captain became a borderline alcoholic. I am sure he can out drink me now. I am proud of him for that.

Posted November 24th, 2009 by

Crazy White People

Toward the end of my stay at my West LA condo, we had 2 white subletters. I don’t remember their names so let’s call them Whiteboy (WB) and Whitegirl (WG). So WB and WG were a dating and living together. They were pretty much the average white people. They eat a lot of Bologna-Cheese sandwiches. They were cool folks. They wanted to get a dog so they went to the animal shelter. Now our condo allowed pets so it was all good. Most of the roommates were dog lovers as well.

I get home from a long day and was in the kitchen when suddenly a fucking wolf comes down the stairs. I don’t remember what type of dog it was but it was a big black wolf looking dog. It scared the shit out of me. WB and WG named the dog Maynard.

So one day, I had to be designated driver for my good buddy/roommate Jaysn. It was his birthday and he decided to throw his party at the wonderful koreatown club Le Prive. Jaysn is the type of guy that knows a lot of people. It gets a little crazy at his birthday celebrations. This one was crazy too but for a different reason. So the night is going well and around 12:30AM, the lights of the club are turned on. Apparently the LAPD decided to shut down the club for the night because a suspect was at the club that night. Someone got stabbed the night before at the club and the retarded stabber decided he wanted to go back to scene the next day. This did not sit well with anyone in the club. Especially this really drunk FOBBY guy. Now Mr. FOBBY Guy was there with his buddies and after drinking countless shots of Crown Royal and getting kicked out of the club, decided that he is going to start insulting people, especially the big black bouncers at the club. These bouncers had to be close to 300 lbs. Well, Mr Fobby Man started cursing at them and then decided to drop the N-word. And no didn’t end it with an “A” he pretty much stuck the landing on the “ER”.

This didn’t sit well with the bouncers who bum rushed Mr. FOBBY man and proceeded to kick his ass. While this was going on, I was with my buddy Jaysn who was pretty much drunk. We were waiting for my car from the valet guys. The ass whooping spilled out onto the street right next to us. Finally, the bouncers had decided that they taught the racist FOB a lesson and stopped. They walked back to their posts as if nothing happened.

The FOB gets up and looks and me and Jaysn and in Korean asks if we are indeed Korean. We just blankly look at him and rips his button down shirt. I thought he was going to reveal some crazy ass Korean Flag tattoo or Mount Baektu tattoo on his chest but when he ripped his shirt, all we saw was pale skin. He then tells us to follow him. He was going to make another charge into the bouncers.

Mr. Fobby Guy again went to the bouncers and he knew obviously knew how to push their buttons. He once again barraged the bouncers with the N-word as if that is the only  English word he knew. This time I hear a couple of girls screaming and when I looked over, I see the bouncers pull out their guns and run after this FOB guy who knew that he should probably get the fuck outta there.

So Jaysn and I were thinking this has been a pretty weird night and it couldn’t get any weirder but we were really wrong. We get back to our place. WB walks out of his room in his boxers. I am sure he was on some drugs because he was a sweaty mess and he went to the fridge to get some water. We started telling him about the night when all of a sudden WB’s room door opens. It is WG in only her panties, sans bra. She had the pinkiest/tiniest nipples I have ever seen. She sees us, is mortified, and slams the door. Jaysn and I look at each other and think this night is far from over.

We then proceed to go to our patio to have a late night cigarette. After about 30 minutes or so, WB and WG come up to the patio as well. (WG had clothes on). They were on some adderol and probably drunk on wine. WG comes up to us and says profusely apologizes. “I am sorry you got to see my small tits. I didn’t know you guys were home. I am so sorry you got to see my small tits.” She was obviously fucked up and she kept on apologizing. We explained that it was ok and it was no big deal. As this is going on, I look to the side to see WB making out with the dog. Like tongue on tongue style. This was some crazy shit. I don’t do well with crazies around me so I decided to tap out and go to bed.

They moved out soon after and the last I heard from them, they purchased a trailer and live in a trailer park. Stay classy guys!

Posted November 9th, 2009 by

Who threw up on my Keyboard?

Back in the dorms, my buddies (WOW, SP, YK, General Han) and a handful of other folks had the urge to go shoot pool in Koreatown (Ktown). I think there were about 10 people total that went on the excursion to Ktown. SP who frequented this pool hall said that it was cool to park in the Jack In the Box parking lot next door. He said he did it all the time. So we park 3 cars at the parking lot. When we parked, there was a security guard and we told them we were gonna go shoot pool. He said it was all good. So thinking that we were safe, we go shoot some billiards and had a good time. When it was time to go, we walked to our cars and they were not there. They were fucking towed. If I find that security guard, I swear I am going to kick him the balls 3 times.

So we started calling our other friends to come pick us up. After an hour or so of waiting we finally all had rides back to campus. We get to campus and we were completely bummed out. So the best way to alleviate this shitty situation was to drink. As stated before, I always had a shit load of alcohol in my dorm room.

So me and WOW decide to crack open some hard liquor and get to work. After a few shots, WOW decides to challenge me to a drinking contest. Not being one to back down from a drinking challenge, we started taking shots of Jim Beam (Satan’s Chode Juice). At about shot number 14, things started getting a little blurry. WOW was completely smashed and passed out. I took a couple more shots just solidify my dominance in this retarded drinking competition.

WOW lived in the floor right below mine so I figured, I could carry his drunk ass to his dorm room. So with the help of my then roommate Harry, we take WOW’s almost dead body to his room. I completely forgot that WOW’s bed was the top of the bunk of bunk. So calling on the powers of Grayskull, we put WOW on his bed. After that ultimate feat of strength was complete, we leave, closing the door behind us.

As soon as the door is shut though, we hear the loudest thud on earth. It sounded like a fucking bomb went off in his room. We open the door, again to see what happened. The fucker fell off the bunkbed. So I go to check if he is alive and to my surprise, he was completely fine. He just continued to sleep on the floor. Seeing that he is ok, we left him there. Harry and I decided to go back to our room and throw down some more liquor. I was drunk but I was very much functional. So I continue drinking and go to sleep.

When I wake up, I have a crazy ass instant message from WOW. He asked “Who the fuck threw up on my keyboard?” I was kind of confused because I was feeling the effects of 20 plus Jim Beam shots and other alcohol. To this my body replied with a nasty hangover. Anyways, I told him I had no idea.

So I go downstairs and tell him what happened last night. WOW then realized what happened from when he fell off the bunk bed. Basically, he threw up on the dorm floor. Apparently, sleeping in a pool of your own vomit is uncomfortable, so he gets to his desk somehow and passes out there. He used his keyboard as a pillow. He threw up on his keyboard in his sleep woke up and went back to his bed to sleep. WOW doesn’t drink THAT much anymore.

Posted November 6th, 2009 by

Internet Dating (Fail)

During college, things like Myspace and Facebook were not available. The popular site especially amongst my buddies was It was this website where you can search through people’s profiles. Most of my friends would look at girls and just for the fuck of it message them. Well my buddy SP met a girl (YK) via Asianavenue and they eventually got married. YK is a real cool girl. She was always down and it must have been tough for her to hang out with people at our apartment. I would have to say that everyone that lived at the condo were bon-a-fide assholes. There was almost never a moment anyone could leave our guards down. YK was cool enough to be able to hang out with us and tolerate assholes like me all the time.

Anyways, seeing this rare success story gave the rest of the people in the condo hope in finding a cool girl online. Sure you may frown on internet dating but if it works and you meet someone cool why the fuck not. So everyone else started going on dates via this site.

I met a few girls too. Hell, the first chick I met. I picked her up from her dorm room (she went to another school). When I got to her dorm complex, there was this dude standing outside her place. He was just standing there like some fucking stalker. I thought this was a bit odd. I called the girl to come down and it turns out that the guy standing there was her bf. They broke up 3 days before. For those that know me you know how I love drama right? Anyways, I get out of the car as she is walking down and her ex-bf is talking all this shit. Then he realizes that the love of his life is gonna go on a date with me. This is when he snapped. The shit talking went from her to me. I told him if he knew what was good for him he should just walk away. This is a line I like to say because it fucks with a dude’s ego and for sure he would want to fight me. I knew from the beginning that if we had to throw down I would annihilate him. Well, he didn’t take to kindly to my words and decided to knuckle up. My original assessment of his fighting prowess was quickly proven to be true. He swung, I dodged and threw a shot to his left eye. I could have sworn thunderbolts and fireballs were coming out of my fist. I felt the sound of bone breaking. Once I connected, he crumpled like jenga. The girl just stayed there in shock. She didn’t think something like this would happen. Her ex bf was on the ground bleeding and just started talking more shit. A part of me wanted to stomp him out some more but I had to take this girl on a date.

So we get in the car and she apologizes for what happened. What a great start to a date! I wanted to punch the girl for being a heartless bitch. The date was pretty whack. I guess it was due to the fact that I was still angry about the fight. I was pissed because I was thinking what if we were together and this bitch does this to me. I made her laugh and I knew she was digging me but I just couldn’t get myself to just forget my thoughts and fuck her. So I took her back to her place after dinner and drinks. She gave me a kiss but I pulled back. She left and I never called her again. She called a few times but I think she got the point.

As I am writing this, I am thinking I should have fucked her anyways but when I was younger, I was a more upstanding human being.

Asianavenue Disaster

So the fight with the ex was kinda bad but not even close to the disaster that happened with my buddy Cashmoney. Cashmoney calls me into his room one day and shows me a chick that he is talking to in the Midwest. The pictures were taken in a very peculiar angle. First of all, she used her desk lamp as her light source. She then angled the camera above her head and she also angled her head down. Sure we can see both eyes, nose, and lips but at that angle, even Condoleezza Rice would look hot. I just told Cashmoney she looks ok. He then informs me that she is coming to visit him the following week.

I figured she is some kind of crazy whore because who would meet a dude online that is in another state just to visit him? Yes she was gonna stay with him/us. So the day of arrival finally arrives and Cashmoney starts to head to the airport. Before he left, he had the look of a kid on Christmas day in a white household. (Christmas at Korean Households kinda sucks). Anyways, I am very curious to meet this chick too. So within an hour or so, Cashmoney is back. When I turn around to see the chick, I felt the urge to laugh really hard. The girl did not look like anything in the picture. Not even close! She introduces herself and I was trying really hard not to look at her face. Way too pale. Eyes really far away from the center (think Brandy). Teeth were going in many different directions. Cashmoney stood behind her and he had the look of utter shocked. It’s like he got promised a car and realized the car was a Hyundai. He didn’t seem happy at all.

So Midwesttroll planned to stay with Cashmoney for a week. She didn’t know a soul in LA. While Cashmoney was out at work, I was in the living room getting a little studying done for an upcoming midterm. Midwesttroll was also in the living room studying. I asked her what she was studying and she said “AP”. I asked if she was on Academic Probation at her college. She laughed and said “no for Advanced Placement”. I realized right then that Midwesttroll is a high school student. Cashmoney brought over a high school chick from the Midwest to bang. I didn’t ask her how old she was because I didn’t want to know whether or not my buddy was gonna get locked up for Statutory Rape.

Cashmoney tried his best to pretend to be busy. This way he would avoid the condo as much as possible which in turn meant he was gonna avoid Midwesttroll as much as possible. The poor beast would sit in his room all day to wait for him. We all felt a lil bad so every now and again we would give her water and food. She was like our pet.

One night we were drunk/high and chilling in the living room. Cashmoney was starting to pass out on the couch. Midwesttroll, with her wonderful sense of humor, decided it would be funny to draw on Cashmoney’s face. Which I wasn’t against, but she drew on him with a yellow highlighter. Cashmoney is Asian, so he is already possessed a yellowish hue to him. What a fucking idiot this chick was! Anyways, things got a lil intense because Cashmoney is an extremely light sleeper. He woke up while Midwesttroll was drawing things on his face. I have never seen the guy that mad in my life. He yanks away the highlighter and breaks it in half and throws it to the corner of the living room. We all looked in shocked. I thought Cashmoney was gonna punch the troll right square in the face but he didn’t. Statutory rape is one thing but assault would not be good on his record. He stormed into the room and Midwesttroll just stayed on the couch. She left and Cashmoney made us swear not to ever bring her up again. I guess I shouldn’t even write this but only 7 people know who Cashmoney is so I figure it’s all good.