Too Fat for my Bones
When I entered college, I was about 165lbs. When I graduated I was 215lbs. When I quit my job I was 245lbs. Yes I was a fat ass. The week I quit my job at KPMG, I had a gig in Chicago. After the gig, I had to get back to LA for some reason so I was running down O’hare airport. I ran down a flight of stairs and I missed the last step. I rolled my ankle and fell. I fell pretty damn hard and not a single soul helped me up. I don’t blame them though because when a fat person falls, it is fucking hilarious! When skinny people fall, it is almost graceful and beautiful. It is similar to a leaf falling from a tree in the fall. I got up immediately because I felt like a dumbass. This is one situation you can’t play off cool.
I get to the plane, barely. I rather be in LA (my home) with a sprained ankle than in Chicago (not my home). So once we line, I limp my ass back to my car and drive home. I ice my fucked up right ankle and tried to get some sleep. I felt my heart beating from ankle. Wonderful I thought.
I wake up the next morning and when I looked down at my ankle, it was the size of my knee. I called a family friend who is a podiatrist. I said you need to check this shit out because there is no way my ankle is just sprained. He tells me to come in right away. I get up putting all my weight on my “good foot”. Well my “good foot” said fuck you just collapsed on me. I was thinking what the fuck is going on. I was so heavy that I couldn’t support my body weight on one foot! To add to that, within the span of 24 hours, I hurt both my ankles! I was fresh out of fucking luck.
So it took me 30 minutes to get to my car. I live on the first floor! I walk into the doctor’s office like I got gang raped in jail. It turns out that my first injury; I tore some ligaments on my ankle. The second injury, was because bones in my ankle splintered out due to the weight of my body. The doctor told me that I should stay off my legs. I told him I don’t know how to fly so that may be a little difficult. He said he can’t give me crutches because that wouldn’t make sense. He suggested that I get a walker. I told him to fuck off. I told him I am 25 years old and I didn’t have tennis balls, so no walker.
He shot me up with morphine and I got home and stayed indoors for one whole month. I ate like a refugee. After the month was over, I lost 40 lbs. Not from working out but from not eating. The anorexics have the right idea when it comes to weight loss.
After a month of being immobile, I still wasn’t completely healed. I had a terrible limp and my ankles were still kinda fucked up. I had to call my good buddy, Ms. Accupunture, who came over to my place and placed a gang of needles in my body. My ankles got better within the first session!
While I was recovering, I applied Ben-Gay on my ankles because well it seemed to be working more than the medication that was given to me by the podiatrist. So as I was watching TV and putting on some Ben Gay, the famous Girls Gone Wild promo videos came on. Without thinking, my hands went down stairs to touch my baby spitter. I forgot about the Ben Gay on my hands but I was quickly reminded. It started to burn real bad but… I aint no quitter so I finished.
Alcohol Poisoning
I learned a lot at my job at KPMG and I generally liked the people I worked with and for. However, being fake and kissing ass took a crazy toll on my soul. I would constantly get off of work and get in a quick 30 minute drinking session. And I would drink hard. One day, my buddy Walter calls me and says he is at a bar in Ktown. I head over and start drinking. Being that it was a week day I decided I should take it slow. Walter, a comedian, asked me why I am drinking like a pussy. I told him I had a early day the next day so I should take it slow. He asks, “Are you saving lives tomorrow?” I figured he had a point and started drinking.
He orders a bottle of tequila AKA devil’s juice. I hate tequila with the passion. I hate it because unless it’s the high end shit, you are gonna have one hell of a headache and hangover the next morning. Anyways, being that I hate my body and its capabilities, I am throwing back tequila like its water. I don’t remember the rest of the night.
I wake up a few hours later in a hospital bed. I ask the nurse what the hell happened. She said that I had alcohol poisoning. I look at the time and I had about 1 hour to get to work. Meaning there was no way I was gonna go home and shower. I got up, pulled the banana bag out of my arm. The nurse was like where are you going. I told her that I had to get to work.
I was half expecting cops to be outside my door because I thought I got booked for a DUI. I was kinda excited at the thought because this would mean I would have to miss a day of work. I asked the nurse, how I got here. She said a friend brought me in. FUCK! There goes my day off of work. I take a cab to the bar from the night before and indeed my car was there. I had a splitting headache. And since my head is the size of a pumpkin, a headache for me is a migraine to the normal person.
I get in the car and go straight to work. When I walk in, my boss takes one look at me and asks what the hell happen. I tell him that I drank like my life depended on it and I woke up in the hospital. Being the “nice and considerate” boss that he is, he tells me I should go home and take the day off. I tell him that I am fine and will work. If it gets unbearable, I will go home. He looks at me like I am crazy and he is right I am fucking crazy.
The whole day I am throwing up everything I ate in the last month. I would have made a bulimic blush. Pussies! Anyways, I lasted the whole day. From that day on, I swore that I would never drink tequila. That oath lasted 2 days. I think I might have a problem.
Sorry for the delay on these updates. I have been extremely busy doing other shit. Here is the next tale:
Weird People at Work- Part 1
After UCLA, I went straight to work at a valuation consulting practice. I actually worked the very next day after I graduated. No vacation at all. I wasn’t happy about that but fuck it, I got a decent job that paid decently.
The day of graduation, I got pretty wrecked. I don’t really know I went out to party. It wasn’t that big of an accomplishment to graduate college for me. I didn’t try too hard. I figured college was just a place to meet people and get a job afterwards. As long as I got shit done, I would be fine. I must say that I did a decent amount of not going to classes. I did a lot of drinking, smoking, and fucking around during my stay at college.
So after a night of partying, I went into the first day of my job hungover and I was about 20 minutes late. It was a sign of things to come for the company. It was my first professional job and I had to be on my best behavior but if you know me, you know that I wouldn’t be behaved for too long.
Here are some people I met at work that I will never forget:
T-Rex
Anyways, the office had a lot of people. All of them were interesting in some way or another. One of the Managing Directors at the office was a kind old man but he had a bit of a physical handicap. His arms weren’t all there. Sure its fucked up of me to write about the guy but honestly, I was shocked. The first day of work, I went to his office to introduce myself. He seemed like a normal white dude but when I went to shake his hand, homeboy threw out a chicken wing of an arm and hand. Dude came at my with the T-Rex arms. I didn’t know how to shake it. I was told that you should have a firm handshake but if I shook this dude’s hand firmly, I’d probably tear it right out of his torso. I just made sure not to stare. Anyways, T-Rex was cool dude. He was very nice. But watching him type on his laptop was probably the most entertaining thing ever. He just threw his hands on the keyboard and somehow the letters he wanted to type were typed. God I am so going to hell for this.
Excel Genius
Starting off at the office, I was placed in a cubicle. In the cubicle right behind me was this Indian Dude. He was a bit of an asshole, so we got along pretty damn well. The first day at work, I said “Hey, how’s it going?” Instead of the normal responses like “Things are ok” or “Great”, this guy replied in a crazy Indian accent “ Things are terrible. If you have any questions don’t ask me.” I fucking loved the guy already. He was a bit of an excel genius. This dude would do difficult financial modeling on Excel with one hand while he was shooting the shit with his homies on the phone. He knew so many shortcuts. I thought this motherfucker invented Excel. I remember one day at work when most of the office went out to lunch. He told me to stay back. When the coast was clear, he pulled out a bottle of tequila from his desk and we just started drinking at work. He was definitely my kind of dude. Anyways, Excel Genius was too smart for his own good. There are those people that are too smart and aren’t really motivated. He was the epitome of that. He hated his job and really didn’t give a shit. There were rumors that he was quitting was going around the office. He told me he was quitting because we drank at lunch all the time. Anyways, one manager came up to him and asked. “Excel Genius, are you leaving the firm?” The bastard responded, “Shit, I left my resume in the copy machine huh?” The manager gave her death stare, and walked away. He left to DC for a better job apparently and is now married. Poor girl.
Dirty Man
There was one Manager dude that was hired about 2 years into my job. He was apparently smart as fuck. Straight up brainiac. However, he was socially awkward. He will creep up on a conversation and put in his 2 cents all the time. Lets say 2 dollars because he usually ends up talking for a long time. He was also a name dropper. But he dropped obscure names. Names of economists and tax professors that I have no clue who they are. But the kicker to this dude happens in the bathroom.
I remember peeing at a urinal at work when the dude walks up to me and says hello. I give him a nervous grin because he serious creeped the fuck out of me. Homeboy looks like Willow but about a foot taller. Anyways, he starts to pee in the urinal next to mine. When I walk past him because I was done, I see something ridiculous. His pants are down to his ankles. I was like is this fucker 3 years old. Who pees like that?! I brush it off and start to wash my hands. He finishes his pee and goes to wash his hands but to my surprise, he finishes washing his hands before I do and I had the head start. This fucker turned on the water. Wet his hands once. I don’t even think his whole hand was wet from it. And then turns off the water and wipes his hands on his pants. WTF! This dude was pure gross. Not sanitary at all. The fucked up thing is, there was a snack lounge at work were there were assorted snacks, including pistachios and cookies. This dude always dunked his hands in the jar to get them cookies. I have not been able to eat a cookie since. Fucking asshole.
This really isn’t a tale. Its more to help you readers to get a feel for some of the characters in these tales.
1250 Westgate Cast of Characters- Part I
You may be wondering what the hell 1250 Westgate is. It was the address of the condo that my friends and I lived at for many years. There were many people that lived there. At one point there were about 9 people living at our place. So let me introduce you to the members of the house:
SP
I mentioned SP in some previous stories. Including how he met his wife through AsianAvenue.com. But here is a better description of SP. My buddy, SP, is probably one of the biggest jackasses I know. Let me give you an example:
One day SP and I were in a car. SP was driving and we see an interracial couple (asian chick and white dude). SP rolls down the window and yells out, “Hey stop fucking with our gene pool, asshole!” When the couple turned around we found the asian chick to not be a looker. SP yells “Nevermind, you can keep her!”
SP was also looking to get into trouble. It is amazing how much shit he talked and never got into a fight in college. SP and I used to work at the International Relations department at school. We were glorified secretaries. We didn’t do much. Anyways, we were connected to the UCLA network called Bruin Direct. People could share files and things like that if you were on this network. Well SP thought it would be a great idea to download porn from the network and burn them onto cds and take them home. The title’s of his CDs were “shh…you don’t want to know vol 1, vol 2” and so forth. One day the head tech guy of the department walks up to SP and tells him that lots of inappropriate things have been downloaded on the computers. SP was wondering how the tech guy could find out. I say when something with the title like Briana Banks gets DP’ed is being downloaded some red flags would be raised.
General Han
General Han is this skinny fool with a “hit me” face. A “hit me” face is someone that just has a face you wanna punch. It has nothing to do with personality or demeanor. Its just a face you wanna punch because to dude looks so fucking devious. General Han was given this moniker because the dude looked like he was soldier in the North Korean Army. He was pure lanky put possessed crazy athletic ability. He is about 5’9 and he could dunk a basketball on a regular court. He was unusually strong too. Fucker rips telephone books in half for fun.
The General has a very unique person. We had a class together. During that class he would roll into class late with some Taco Bell in hand. He would sit there, eat his food and go to sleep. He never took notes for the class. He claims he learned better in his sleep. During one class The General, SP, and I were in class and both the General and SP were knocked out. The professor stopped lecturing and asked me to wake the General and SP up. It was a class of 250 people and the professor didn’t know the names of anyone in classes except us. I wake up the General and SP. General Han wakes up looks at me and then the professor and he goes back to sleep but this time even more laid out. He truly didn’t give a fuck. It’s pretty amazing that all three of us got A’s in the class.
I would like to report that the General is married to a really dope chick. But still to this day, the fucker has a hit me face.
Cashmoney
Mr. Cashmoney was also a jackass. Cashmoney was originally subletter. He really didn’t know anyone in the apartment but eventually he became quickly acclimated with the rest of the 1250 Westgate inhabitants. I remember one of the first times we all hung out, Cashmoney walks up to us and smacks me in the balls. I was shocked because who does that. He looks at me and goes “that is what my friends and I do to each other.” Talk about an icebreaker. Cashmoney lived on the bottom floor and I lived on the top floor. One time, he instant messaged me and it said “D, turn around”. When I turned around he was running up the stairs. When he saw me turn around, he said “damn.” He was trying to outrun the speed of the internet inside our condo. That is the type of nutty this guy is.
One of the few times I was scared for my life was when I was with Cashmoney, he was getting off of work and I was in the area so we get in his car. He worked at a restaurant so we would always bring home food from work. His work was a good 40 minute drive from our place. He proceeds to open the container filled with food and starts eating while driving. One hand was used to hold the container of food. The other hand was holding a fork, to shovel the food into his mouth. So the question is, how in the hell was he driving. He was driving his car with his knees. To add to that, he had a stick shift car. This fucker was making lane changes on the freeway with his knees. I didn’t tell him I was frightened but I was scared shitless. Thanks asshole!
WOW
My buddy WOW had a very addictive personality. He was addicted to the games Starcraft and Diablo. I blame Blizzard entertainment for fucking my homeboy’s gpa. WOW was so addicted to the games that he actually broke a couple of mice. Not because he was mad and threw them or slammed them. He actually clicked a mouse so much that it no longer worked.
Then he heard of the idea of people actually selling items from a video game online. Let me explain to those that aren’t video game geeks. This guy would attain a special item within the game. Then he proceed to go on ebay and sell this non tangible online. People would actually buy these stupid things. He then found this bot that would run a certain stage of the game and automatically collect the items. This would run on repeat until he stops it. This means that he would leave it on at home and it would run for damn near 20 hours. At the end of the day, he would see what items that this bot gathered and then he would sell these items online to dumb white kids in the Midwest who undoubtedly would use their mom’s credit card to purchase these fictitious items.
WOW’s addictions didn’t just end with video games. If he drank, he would drink until he got ultimately shitfaced. I remember watching a basketball game at home with him and by the end of the game he dusted a 12 pack all by himself.
The interesting characteristics about WOW are that he possessed an unusually slanted forehead and hobbit looking feet. When I first pointed out his forehead, he tried to see for himself. He was sitting next to a reflective window. He turned quickly to face the window in hopes of trying to catch a view of his forehead. It was one of the dumbest/funniest things I have seen. He actually thought he was fast enough to see catch a reflection of his profile.
Hammy
We had a pet hamster named Hammy (creative as fuck.) Anyways, SP one day decided that we need a pet at our place and got a hamster. I would have to say Hammy was probably one of the smartest hamsters ever. This fucker would figure out how to unhinge its cage. I would come home and see that Hammy was not in his cage. Next day you would find him just chillin in the living room watching tv with us.
Although having a hamster roam around free in the condo is cool, most of our guests were very much shocked to see a rodent walk around the house. Some thought it was a rat. So we decided to get Hammy a new home. We got this huge plastic container that people used to put their old clothes in. We cut some holes on the top for ventilation and put chew toys and the ever so popular hamster wheel. We figured it would be impossible for Hammy to get out. We were very wrong. One night, I was watching TV and the familiar sound of Hammy scurrying in his new home was absent. I turned to see what was going on. To my surprise Hammy was hanging on the top of the container which is about 10 times his height.
Hammy jammed a chew toy under the hamster wheel making it not spin. He then climbed the wheel and out of the container. We let Hammy wander around the condo again because we figured if he is that smart to get out of the container then go right ahead.
I started dating this girl right after college. She was damn cool. Things were going great. After being together for a while, I really had that forever feeling about her. She is probably the only person I ever told that I loved. I was gonna marry this girl. I started saving up a gang of money to buy that engagement ring. Thinking of countless ways to propose to her and knock her socks off because of those crazy fucking De Beers commercials.
Then things took a turn for the worse. We started arguing. Rather she was yelling at me and me just wondering why fuck this is happening. Why did this chick, who I thought I could see myself for the rest of my life with, change? Things got really rocky.
Pregnancy Scare
During the time period that things were shitty between us. I guess I made an effort to try to fix our relationship so we decided to go to a resort and just get away and have a nice weekend together. We get to the resort. It was fucking beautiful. We had a great dinner, we then headed to the hot tub and frolicked for a bit. Then we made our way back to our hotel room. Things were going great. We start playing bedroom baseball and she stops me at 2nd base. She says that she hasn’t had her period in a few months. I was thinking, you could have told me this last month. Obviously I didn’t say this because I didn’t want to come off like an asshole. This is not a good thing for all you young kids reading this.
So like any panicking boyfriend I suggested a semi solution to this problem. “Want me to go get a pregnancy test?” This was the shitty suggestion I threw out into the air. Like flock of pigeons, these words exited my mouth and fluttered into the sky. She thought it was a great idea. So I proceed to call the concierge to ask where the nearest open pharmacy is. He tells me that the nearest Rite Aid is 5 miles away. So I get the directions and head over to Rite Aid at 3AM. This was one errand I was not looking forward to.
So I get to the place and to my surprise, the Rite Aid was not empty at all. Everyone in the building was old white ladies. They were buying their denture glue, Ensure, and adult diapers. Then there was me with a bottle of advil and a pregnancy test. All the old ladies were looking at me like I was raised wrong. Why are pregnancy tests so damn expensive? So I purchase the items and feel the stares of the old ladies. First Pearl Harbor now this is what I assume they were thinking.
So I am driving back to the hotel with many crazy thoughts in my head. If she is preggo what do I do? Should I kick her in the stomach when she is sleeping? What do I do? My headache was amplified at this point. I finally get back to the hotel after what felt like an eternity. My girl pisses on the stick and we wait for a while. Turns out she aint pregnant. She then proceeds to get back in the mood again to bump uglies. In my head, I wanted to shake her and yell, “do you know what the fuck you just put me through?!” But I didn’t. Guys just don’t reject free pussy.
Aftermath
Things didn’t really get better. She eventually cheated on me and that was the back breaker. We broke up and I went into some of the craziest modes of my life after that. I pretty much went apeshit with the drugs and alcohol. I don’t regret it though. I learned something about myself through this ordeal though. The lesson learned was, I am a fucking chump.
