The Crew
Since me and the asian kids didn’t get along, I had to find friends that had similar interests. It was a weird mix of people. Here is a brief description of some people that kicked it at the set.
Eddie
Eddie was probably my first friend at South Pasadena High. That dude always listened to Easy-E and Bone Thugs and Harmony. He would have this cd player and the biggest fucking headphones I have ever seen. He treated the cd and headphones like they were his prized possession. We never really knew what nationality he was. I think he was part latin. I dunno. The funny thing about Eddie is that that dude always walked like he was a thug. He too was new to the school and didn’t know anyone on campus. However, this fool walked like a confident cholo. I guess that is why we connected on that level. I understood the false confidence. I think it was sophomore year, when Eddie had this white girlfriend. Actually, he always gravitated toward white girls. That is why I always thought he was part black.
Milkshake
Milkshake was this white kid. He was also new to the district. I don’t quite remember how Milkshake came to kick it with us but he did. His real name was Mike but we called him Milkshake because he was particularly a big dude. Big as in fat. This dude always wore FUBU shirts. His wardrobe always consisted of either a blue or black FUBU tshirt. I am sure why we called him Milkshake. I don’t think I have ever seen him eat a milkshake in my life if that is what you are thinking. Naturally one day, the boys got into a little game of make fun of Mike and one dude decided to lift Mike’s shirt. Through his struggling, we saw his pasty stomach shake. Hence we started calling him Milkshake. Damn we were fucked up to Mike.
Cockroach
We called this dude cockroach because he was the blackest dude on the planet. When Chapelle did that skit about Rick James and he called the Charlie Murphy darkness, I was thinking these dudes aint anything compared to cockroach. The only thing you can see is his eyes, gums, and teeth. Dude was damn strong and would have done well in sports. However, he was more interested and “talented” in extracurricular activities. Cockroach pretty much had crime covered. I remember one time I was driving down the street and I see cockroach in a very shitty bike with a basket in the front. When I pulled next to him, I saw that the basket had 2 recently stolen car radios and a screw driver. This fucker stole car radios at the nearby supermarket in broad daylight! On top of that, he was in a damn bike. I didn’t say he was the smartest dude.
Ty
Ty transferred to South Pasadena from South Carolina. This dude was as country as you can possible get. There were times where I had no idea what they fuck he was saying. But he was a funny dude. Fucking high-larious. Ty would have absolutely no shame on hitting on girls. It didn’t matter what they looked like. I think I remember one time we were trying to hook our Indian homeboy up with this pretty cute Indian chick who is in a high grade but she was younger than her. Yes yes, typical over achieving Indian chick. Anyways, when me and Ty told her about this dude, she was like “Uh, I don’t like younger guys”. Ty without hesitation said “ Bitch a dick is a dick!” She was mortified but I could not fucking stop laughing. Holy shit, I am giggling just thinking about the look on the girls face. Yes, I giggle from time to time. Ty didn’t stay at South Pasadena for long. I believe he stayed for about a year and then bounced. We never heard from him again.
Big Willie
Big Willie was indeed a big dude. He was built like a refrigerator. Like a solid rectangular block. Big Willie was not much of a talker. If he was, I don’t remember much. The thing I remember about Big Willie was that he used to fuck this fat white girl. He would always tell us about his experiences with her. I found his descriptions funny because the dude obviously did not have any feelings for her. The day we laughed our asses off was when he was describing how the chicks tits would move during sex. She was fat and so were her tits. So for the younger kids, fat tits usually sag. Well Willie was saying that her areolas were never pointed at him. He said he doesn’t think he had a good look at em ever. Me, being quite knowledgeable about areolas deduced that she had pink nipples (Gross!). I realize the story would not be funny so I shall spare you the details.
Micah
Micah was an interesting dude. We always had the suspicion that he was part of the Crips. That fool always wore blue and talked about being in a gang all the time. Micah was a black dude that had the weirdest giggle. I liken it to the crack giggle that crack heads have after completing a sentence. It is their way of indicating that their though was over. Anyways the event that I remember most about Micah is that me and him wanted to make a quick buck. So in school there was this dude that was absolutely dirty. Dirty as in absence of good hygiene. I believe his name was Matt. Anyways, Matt always wore the same black shirt and black pants every single day. The dude smelled like a homeless dude. It was terrible. Anyways, one day Matt comes up to us and asked if we knew where he could get hallucinogenic mushrooms. Micah jumps at the chance and said if he bring him 50 bucks, we can get it for him. He says sure and that he will be back at lunch time the next day. So Micah runs to the nearby supermarket and buys normal mushrooms. He then douses it in bleach and Drano and wraps it up in aluminum foil! The next day, dirty matt comes through and give Micah the 50 bucks. Micah gives him the shrooms. Thank God the kid didn’t die.
There were a couple more folks that kicked it at the set but I am a tad bit lazy to write about all of them. The sad thing was that during senior year, I couldn’t kick it with them much. I rarely had a class with these guys. I was always in AP or Honors classes and they unfortunately weren’t in any of my classes. On top of that I was part of the Student Council during my senior year. But I do thank the members of the crew for making most of my high school career damn fun.
Since my neighborhood was not known for its educational excellence, my parents enrolled me in South Pasadena High School. The education level in East LA was terrible. We learned fractions in the 8th grade. If you are wondering why this is a bad thing then you should go shoot yourself in the face with a bazooka. Fractions is a concept that should be taught and digested pre-middle school. You can imagine when algebra came into the mix. I don’t claim to be good at math but algebra is not a hard subject. Oh wow, letters in equations. OMG this is so hard!
Lots of comics have talked about how ADD and other learning disorders are bullshit and I completely agree. Learning disorders weren’t around when my parents were students. The dumb kids just ended up getting weeded out. Some people are just not cut out for college and higher learning.
Anyways, South Pasadena was a very different place from East LA. There were Asians and White people. Before setting foot in South Pasadena, I did not see a white person in real life. I just saw them in movies or the news. You can imagine what a shock it was for me when I got to South Pasadena High School. I didn’t know a single soul in the school. Well my cousin Esther and Joe went there but we rarely saw each other on campus. I was just a lowly freshman. Thanks guys for taking care of me. Jerks! There were a lot of Asians there but I really didn’t get along with them at first. I may be Asian by appearance but I was more Mexican than anything. Damn I remember the first couple of weeks sucked ass.
Well the first day of school, the student council decided to hand out bagels to the freshmen. It was a gesture to welcome them to secondary schooling. How nice of them. The problem was, I had no idea what a bagel was. Bagels are not prevalent in the East LA or Korean Cuisine. So the girl that came to give me the bagel was the hottest asian girl I have seen in my life. She was like here is a bagel. I thought a bagel was just what white people call a donut. So when I took a bite into the Bagel, it was stale and not glazed. It was fucking bread with a hole in it. I was so pissed off. I yelled, why would you give me a stale ass donut?! Hot Asian girl looked at me confused as all hell. She replied,” Uhm, its not a donut. It’s a bagel. You should try it with cream cheese.” I realized that I must have looked like an ignorant asshole. I couldn’t even look cool in this situation. Sheepishly, I said thanks and walked away.
That night, I went on the internet and researched what bagels were. And then I went to the nearest supermarket and bought all kinds of bagels. Water bagels, French onion bagels, Raisin bagels. You name em, I bought them all. After pretty much giving myself carb poisoning, I realized that bagels are terrible.
They are hard as shit to cut properly. It’s just expensive bread! On top of that, the hottest asian girl that I have ever laid eyes on thinks I’m a fucktard. Rita, if you ever read this, I know what bagels are now.
So on my way from Jersey back to LA, I had to stay in the AZ for a hot second because of a wonderful layover. God I love Airports. -.- Anyways, so on my flight from the AZ to LA, I was had the window seat because that way no one can wake me up to go pee, shit or fuck in the bathroom. So I sit in my seat and look at the other people finding their seats. Secretly, I am hoping a hot chick would sit next to me. Not that I would try to fuck em but at least I can attempt. Or I can just be creepy and secretly smell the bitches hair or something. I dunno…
Anyways, a hot bitch didnt sit next to me. It was this middle age women who looked like she was born and raised in a meth lab. Something was not right with her. She sits next to me and she smelled like Oscar Mayer and Mayo. Fucking gross. She digs into her crusty ass Jansport bag and pulls out a walkman! I haven’t seen one of those in ages.
Since I am more perceptive than those fuckers on CSI:NY, I thought that this lady might be mentally off. This put me in a quite a pickle since I wanted to sleep but I couldnt because there was fucking crazy lady sitting next to me. So as we started taking off, she looks at me and asks if I want to listen to her tape. How could I refuse? Once I put on the headphones, I knew this lady was a nutcase. She was listening to radio frequency. Like if you had a shitty old school radio with a knob and you are just turning it without really any intention of finding the proper signal. After a good 10 seconds of this I gave her back her headphones and with a smile I said “Good Stuff.” She replies, its my favorite and she resumes bobbing her head.
Now as soon as I was done with this shitty experience, I suddenly hear the girl behind me cursing up a storm. She specifically said,” Those fucking assholes at the airport took away my lube. How can they let a glass dildo through but not the lube? Idiots!”
Now being a curious male, I had to turn around and look at this overt slut. She looked like the extra in a gothic porn orgy. Now you are wondering how I am so knowledgeable about gothic porn. I will just say that I have very lonely nights. So now I realize that I am stuck on this fucking plane with crazy old lady next to me, and behind me is an emotional gothic slut behind me.
Although I am always down to meet crazies so that I can write and talk about them. I was really annoyed at my luck because I wanted to sleep. I couldnt because I was afraid that the crazy one would stab me with her dirty fingernails and the whore behind me with try to jam her glass dildo in me because of her anger toward the TSA. God I hate airports and planes!
(Shout outs to MS Paint for my awesome drawings.)
This past weekend was pretty action packed. So here is a recap:
On Thursday, I had to wake up at 5am to go shoot a T-Mobile commercial. 5am! Ugh. I was dead tired but thankfully, the shoot location wasnt too far. Basically, this commercial is where me and 5 other guys are cocky basketball players, talking shit to Dwayne (Flash) Wade. No! D-wade was not at the shoot. I am sure by now you get the idea that these shit talkers have the basketball prowess of a special olympics participant. You are absolutely right. The put me in a headband, tight jersey, shorts, and calf-high socks to make me look ridiculous. Being the professional that I am, I took everything in stride. I was cocky as can be and boy did I talk some shit. I am never really excited to do commercials because it wont help me career in the sense that I will be famous for them. Instead, commercials are a way for me to stay above the poverty line for about 3-4 months. Yay for being able to eat! (more…)
I was at my friends house when my buddy Bobby Choy (AKA Big Phony) called me and told me that the Kim Jong Il E-Harmony video was the featured video. I thought he was shitting me but when I got to a computer I saw:
People started texting me and facebook messaging me. Thank you very much for the kind words. Shout outs to Arowana Films, Peachies, and DPD for the great filming and editing.
Dont worry guys, more Kim Jong Il videos are on the way.
