Posted February 2nd, 2009 by
YouTube Preview Image

Our favorite leader found himself a girl online.

Posted January 31st, 2009 by

I cant say that I am a nice person. Lots of little things that bug me. For example, if I am somewhere in a group setting, I will undoubtedly hate someone. Well hate is such a strong word but it is true. Its either that douchebag that name drops in every full sentence or the girl that aint that pretty but acts like she should be the next Meagan Fox. The thing that bugs me these days are women who think certain famous people arent pretty/hot etc. They will always say something to the effect of “if a girl is pretty in my eyes I will admit it. but she just doesn’t do it for me.”

Well 9 times out of 10 the girl saying that aint that good looking.  So with my fantastic MS Paint skills I have created a simple equation to describe the situation.


Now I dont know who the girl on the left is. I just typed in Ugly Asian Girl on Google Images and her pic showed up. So no offense chick on the left. But google is smart and I just cant argue with them on this one. Anyways, my point is, the chick is damn jealous. My solution is simple girls like the one on the left. Just accept your looks and do other things that make the guys want you. 

Look ladies, I have no problem saying that certain guys like Brad Pitt, Jude Law, Eric Bana are good looking dudes. 

But for women I guess its always a competition. Especially if they are in a relationship.  The bf is a fucktard for even asking his gf the question. “Do you think she is hot?” I think maybe the girl feels threatened. But the reality of it is, there is absolutely no way your bf will be able to hook up with that certain celebrity so relax.  And even if the stars align and your man uses the Devil’s Breath drug from Colombia, your man still wont have a chance. Just admit you aint that cute and hope that you are cute in your man’s eyes.

I have been in relationships where the girl is not cute by any standards. Like put them next to Charlize Theron and 11 times out of 10 she would lose in a beautiful contest. However, the girl was cute in my eyes and that is all that really matters. 

Maybe that is why girls like sex and the city. Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a fucking horse. There is no man in America that would leave his girl for her. Unless they are into bestiality.


So the point of this blog is:

Ladies, stop being dumb asswipes and just admit that a chick is hot/pretty/beautiful.  It just makes you look less like a retard.

Posted January 29th, 2009 by

My parents owned a liquor store in East Los Angeles. They named the store Denny’s, not because they loved the restaurant but because they wanted to name it after me and their English was just terrible. So Denny’s market was an interesting place to grow up. My house was located right behind store. I can tell you thousands of stories about the liquor store but a couple of them really have formed who I am.

I have done a lot of bad things in my life but I have never stolen a single thing in my life. This is because I know how much it hurts to get your merchandise stolen. My parents worked their asses off to stock the shelves, buy the inventory, keep the store clean and for someone to steal anything, even a candy bar sucks ass. Anyways, there was a time when the bottle caps of the 40 oz bottles of beer were missing. I had a hunch it was this crackhead that would come in often. He would often go to the beer section and stay there for a while, opening lots of doors. Eventually, he would come to the counter with a bottle of Thunderbird. That shit was probably the nastiest alcoholic beverage I have ever tried. It’s cheap and it will fuck you up. Anyways, I told my dad that this guy should be the one who is stealing all these damn bottle caps. So we decided to catch the fucker in the act.

The next day, that crackhead stumbled into the store. My dad set up some video cameras to monitor the beer section. The crackhead proved me correct by opening up a Budweiser 40 oz bottle and putting into his pants pockets. This is when I locked the front door and ran at him with an aluminum baseball bat and my dad ran at him with a golf club. We fucked that dude up. He was a real life piñata to us. My dad picked the bum up by the throat and decked him in the mouth.  When that happened, a small red particle flew out of his mouth. My dad thought saw that and decided to stop the beating and threw him out. I looked for that small red mass that came out of this dudes mouth. It turns out that it was a small water balloon filled with crack. My dad snatched it away from my hands and told me never to do drugs. Then he found another neighborhood crackhead named Moondie and sold him the crack from 20 bucks. My dad actually sold drugs right after he told me to never to do it. Now that’s education for you.

Now I am guessing you are wondering what is with the bottle caps. Well, apparently these aluminum bottle caps where useful in cooking this crack. What a great thing to know at an early age!

The other liquor story has to be about the neighborhood bird lady. If you live in a shitty neighborhood, then you have to have a creepy bird lady. That is a requirement. I don’t remember the lady’s name but let me call her Maria because she is Mexican and Maria is a common Mexican name. Well Maria always fed birds in the middle of the street. Hundreds of pigeons would be on the street because of this lady. Anything that would disturb her birds eating will cause her to go into a yelling rage. No one knew what she was saying. It wasn’t English or Spanish. It was like some ancient voodoo curse. So Maria always comes into the store to buy sunflower seeds and milk. The problem with Maria is that she smelled like a Viking. I knew Maria was in the store even if I was looking because the store always smelled like wet trash. Even her money smelled awful. It was so bad that I would get the money and wash it in the sink with detergent and iron it. If not then the damn register would smell. My dad would always make me tend the register when Maria was in the store.

Well one day Maria was at the store with for her usual seeds and milk. However, she was short a dollar and even though I couldn’t understand the words that were coming out of her mouth, I knew she was asking me to let her slide. Since I didn’t want to argue with her I said fine and she smiled. Then she reached over with her greasy, rancid right hand and rubbed my cheek. She said “Good Boy.” She then walked out of the store with her stuff. I was shocked because I didn’t expect her to semi-molest me. I went to restroom and washed my face. But no matter how much I scrubbed, my face smelled like shit. And from that day on every time I passed by Maria, she would smile at me. The neighborhood bird lady wanted to fuck me. That is one vagina I will never ever want to see. Well hers and Rosie O’Donnell.

Posted January 25th, 2009 by

So I am gonna take a small break from the Tales of a Scumbag Series for those that really have no interest in reading. I realized that the most popular blogs are riddled with pictures and videos. My blog is lacking that aspect so here are some other forms of media for those folks that dont want to read:

Here are the funniest videos on youtube that never fail to make me laugh:

Korean Drummer

YouTube Preview Image

The drummer here is just ridiculously awesome. You knows those lame girls that add stupid quotes on their facebook status… “Live like there’s no tomorrow, Love like you’ve never been hurt, and Dance like no one is watching.” Although it makes me sick when people put quotes like these for the public to see, I will take this quote to mean not to good give a fuck. Well, this guy definitely drums like he doesnt give a rats ass that anyone is looking. That is why this man is awesome to me.

Ultimate Warrior

YouTube Preview Image

I remember when I was a kid, I thought the Ultimate Warrior was fucking awesome. The energy, the crazy hair, the face paint, he possessed all the things I would like to see in a wrestler. Maybe it was because I didnt understand english that well when I was a kid, but his interviews always sounded so cool. But as an adult that has better grasp of english, I have no idea what this man is saying in the video above. Holy fuck! This guy is a complete crackhead. Even though my image of the Warrior has been tarnished because of this video, you are still pretty bad ass in my heart.

Indian Dude on a Show

YouTube Preview Image

I dont believe that a man should ever hit a woman. I mean I have gotten to points where I wanted to because women sometimes can do that. But to the Indian Dude that slapped the bitch, I would say that your that your left hook/slap was pretty fucking awesome. The thing that made me laugh out loud was him asking/yelling. “How ken you slep?” Fucking hell man, I am gonna watching this a lil more. He right before he gets slapped, he gives the chick one of those sleazy Razor Ramon looks.  This video has action, tension, and woman hitting. I’d say this video has all the elements to make my day. HOW KEN SHE SLEP?

Iraqi Gangster Kid

YouTube Preview Image

Maybe its the music, maybe its how swole this kid is, but I start laughing before it even starts getting good. Notice the swagger. I sometimes joke around and tell kids they will not be able to survive in East LA but this kid could probably run shit. He has all the right qualities.   Look when this other kid kicks the girl, Nototious IRAQI comes to save the day. Fucking awesome.

Dump Truck

YouTube Preview Image

First of all this is my friend’s nephew. Damn cute kid! The nose picking just adds to the awesomeness of this video. Check out my buddy at 


I am sure you guys think there are other videos out there that should make this list but this is my list so if you have a problem with it them find a rusty nail and fall on it. Thanks!

Posted January 22nd, 2009 by

As stated before my dad used to teach Taekwondo in Korea. If you are not familiar with Taekwondo here is a brief explanation. It is probably one of the most useless martial arts out there. Trust me. I know what I am talking about in terms of Taekwondo. I am a 4th degree black belt in it so I think I have some knowledge of the sport. Well, my dad enrolled me into Taekwondo for a couple of reasons. 1) I was a fan of Bruce Lee. Bruce would fuck anyone up on film and I thought that was pretty badass. 2) I needed to learn how to protect myself because I started getting into a lot of scuffles in my neighborhood.

So at the age of 5 I started doing taekwondo. The first taekwondo school I was enrolled in was Choong-Hyo Taekwondo. The head master was this small dude with this mustache. He really wasn’t in the business of showing by example. In the 8 years that I studied under him, I recall about 5 instances where he actually did a kick or punch to show us how something was done. Granted that when he did kick a bag or something, it was pretty damn powerful. I hated that school because I really didn’t learn anything about self defense. They taught me useless forms that would never work unless you are Ralph Macchio in Karate Kid 3. (Terrible movie by the way) So, I was thinking about quitting but my father had a saying. “When a man pulls out a sword, you should always draw blood.” For all of you that don’t understand the meaning of this saying, it basically means that you need complete everything that you set out to do. Never give up.

Luckily at the time that I was about to give up, there was another teacher at this school that taught me other martial arts on the side. It really was exciting. He then asked my father if I can be his assistant instructor at the new school he is setting up. My dad agreed and from then on I learned real self defense. From aikido, judo, and jujitsu, I learned it all. I even started excelling at Taekwondo. I started winning most tournaments that I entered and even got to the nationals.

The funny thing about this is that my body is not ideal for taekwondo. I was skinny from the waste up. Waist down, I looked like a Mexican chick after giving birth to the 4th of her 8 children. On top of that, it have unusually short legs so there was a disadvantage with reach most of the time. But my philosophy for taekwondo was a little different from the norm. I always thought that my opponent may hit me more times but the times I am going to hit this guy, he is going to definitely feel it. I guess the notion that I am going to maim someone really put a lot of things into perspective. I was rarely nervous to go to tournaments.

There was this one tournament that comes to mind. It was in Camarillo California. We were sitting in the waiting room when the one Armenian guy kept talking all this shit that he was state champion. He actually told me that he was going to beat me. That really didn’t sit well with me and luck would have it that I would fight him in the prelims. We are getting set to fight and he lets out this primitive yell to try to psych me out. Unfortunately for him, I made up my mind that I would make sure I own his ass by the end of the match. I looked at him and smirked. When the referee signaled to start, I kicked him in his head with a spin hook kick as hard as I can. The Armenian dude’s helmet flew off of him and landing in the sparring ring next to us.  Now my opponent is kind of mad. He fucked with his pride. He comes at me again and I cracked him on the head again. This time he crumbled to the ground and again his helmet flew.  So he got up and now I could see he was a bit terrified. I told him he might want to tighten the helmet down because it’s going to fly off again if he doesn’t. So the referee signals to resume the match and I toy with him. I give a weak kick to his chest. He doesn’t really attack because he doesn’t want to get his ass kicked again. I pepper him with some more kicks and he just takes this humiliation. I guess his coach couldn’t stand this and yelled for him to attack me. So reluctantly he attacks and this time I kick his head as if this is the last kick I will ever throw in my life. The guys eyes roll back and they called the medics to wheel this kid out.

I win and I go back to where most of the guys in my division are and I just look at them. Two of those guys actually got up and quit the tournament. It really felt good to shut this fucker up. I feel like you can only talk big if you can back it up. Some examples of people that can talk shit are: Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Tiger Woods, Manny Pacquiao, William Wallace from Braveheart, Maximus from Gladiator, and Bruce Lee.

The moral of the story is you might never know who is in the room so shut the fuck up.