Posted September 20th, 2010 by

My buddy Bob from the Falling on the Grenade Story, is very interesting dude. He always blurts our random things that never make sense. When he plays video games, he would just blurt out nonsensical things but then he started blurted out “AWHATDAHELL!” I really didn’t think anything of it.

One day during a long drive to Vegas, I asked him where in the fuck did he get “AWHATDAHELL!” from. He tells me it’s a stupid story. I said hey fucker imma be driving for 5 hours, and we aint got shit to do. So he starts the story.

A few years ago, he was briefly dating…er fucking a Thai chick. Not a Thai/American but a thai broad that came into the country like the day they met. So Bob and Tiger Uppercut were eating dinner pretty far away. On the drive back home, he started dozing off. Instead of pulling over, he was thinking what is the best way to stay awake while driving. He figured that if he was horny, he would stay awake. He pulls out his cock and tells Tiger Uppercut to suck on it. She looks at his cock and blurts out “AWHATDAHELL!”

Bob met Tiger Uppercut at a hostess bar. She didn’t speak English that well, he didn’t speak Thai so their conversations would have made a mime jealous.

One day, Bob calls me and goes hey do you have a lighter with a number to a taxi. All lighters in Ktown have this. I told him I am nearby his work so I will swing by. When I get there, there is a random Thai broad sitting there in a fur coat. It was summer so I thought it was strange. Bob comes out of the corner to greet me. It was the first time he ever that he was not happy to greet me. I guess he was trying to hide the Thai broad from me and his friends. I tried to play it off but it was hard to ignore the Thai elephant in the room.

So he asks me if I would like to have a cig outside. I said sure. And I was like “Yo, what is up with Ong-bak in there?” He told me how they met. I clowned on him for years about her and her fur coat.

It has gotten to a point that the…uhm…word AWHATDAHELL has been used instead of a Thai girl. For example, lets say there are a gang of Thai birds at the bar. I would say Yo there are a gang of AWHATDAHELLS in this bitch. So dear readers, please feel free to use the word. Thanks!

And for all you sensitive people fucking relax and don’t call me a racist.

Posted August 22nd, 2010 by

Good Ole Vegas!

The overly used slogan, “Whatever happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas” is quite possibly one of the dumbest phrases. Gonorrhea does not clear up once you pass the state line. If you lose your life savings due to your shitty gambling problem, that shit will be felt for a while. But most importantly, the memories and the debauchery in Vegas will last a lifetime.

I have been to Las Vegas quite a few times but there is one memory that sticks out of the rest.

I went to Vegas this particular time because it was a friend’s bachelor party. Although he had a Best Man (I wasn’t even a groomsman) I was put in charge of planning out the festivities. They said that when it comes to getting into trouble, I am definitely the one that should to lead the group. I was kind of stressed out because they told me this when I got to the hotel.

So after a few minutes to think, I decided that I would need some help. I go downstairs and find that the concierge was a fellow Korean. I talk to him about dilemma that I was in. He tells me that he would help me with my excursion. I was thinking damn this is when Korean Pride works in your favor. So my new buddy tells me to get all the boys ready for the time of their lives.

Once we get downstairs, there is a ridiculous limo waiting for us. When I mean ridiculous, I mean it looked like a fucking big rig. It was awesome! Mr. Concierge said that this is gonna be on the house. What a good guy I thought. He directs the driver of the big rig to take us to a certain strip club.

We get there and the place was popping off. Girls were fine. They smelled nice. No C-section scars or cigarette burns. They were good. After a few hours of getting titty glitter mashed onto our faces, we were kind of bored and needed wanted to get into some more shit. I call Mr Concierge and said, “Yo, this place is cool but we want to get into more trouble.” He was like I got you Hyung! He says he will send the limo over and take us to the next place. After about 5 minutes, back comes the freight truck. The driver had a smirk in his eyes. He said you guys are gonna have some wild times tonight.

We were already kind of drunk but more drinking was being done in the limo. After a short drive, we ended up at a place completely off the Vegas strip. We were in a ghetto looking strip mall. I was kind of confused because this place didn’t look so classy. It looked pretty grimey. We all thought it was a more lenient strip club. We were totally wrong.

We walk in and it turns out Mr. Concierge was as bit of a freak. He took us to a swingers club. For all of you that are not familiar with this sort of establishment, let me fill you in. It’s a club where you can fuck. And there was a lot of fucking going on. There were a bunch of trailer trash women and dudes with trucker hats just getting down everywhere. As much as I am down for perverted shit, I was a little bit taken aback. The stench of Clorox hit me directly in the face. The floors were surprisingly not sticky. Anyways, it was not a fun place. The thing that really did it for me and made almost cry in the corner, was this older gentleman. This dude was a hairy old creepy fuck. He was pure naked and sitting in the corner of the club with nothing around him. He was staring blankly off in the distance and he was just jerking off. There was nothing in his periphery. I was like if you gonna do that why not do that shit at home. But this dude paid cover to jerk off. 1) It’s a big fucking waste of money. 2) It’s just pure creepy. Jerking off should be done in private. You can do it in your car while driving but don’t do that shit with strangers around. That’s just not classy. Anyways, after a good 30-40 minutes, we left the place. Everyone seemed like they say babies getting raped and murdered. We didn’t say shit to each other on our way back to the hotel. When we got back, Mr. Concierge looked at me and asked , “Crazy right?!” I was told him “ Yea man, thanks for your help. It was an experience I will never forget.” He replies, “I know right! We Korean brothers need to stick together.” I gave him some daps and left.

Mr Concierge thanks for making me think about going into therapy. As much as I love my Korean people, you are one person I might have to think twice about hanging out with.

Posted August 17th, 2010 by

I have a friend, we will call him Bob, and he has to be one of the most Unique people I know. He is a very nice guy but he has a bit of a wild side to him. The man is kinda hooked on banging girls. You might think that all guys are hooked on it but from my knowledge, this guy is on another level.

Anyways, Bob will tag almost any chick. As long as they aren’t way gross. I have said that he is the slayer of mediocrity. Meaning if the girl is a 3-6, move out the way because Bob will go holler.

One night, Bob hit me up at 4am. He was clearly drunk and with an urgent tone he said “Get your ass over here right now!” I was thinking what the fuck is going on. But this guy is a riot so I decided to get in my car and head to his place. When I get there, I call him and he comes downstairs.

This dude is smashed beyond normal. He tells me “You are gonna get laid tonight! You can thank me later” I was like WTF is this guy getting at. He tells me he brought a couple of girls from the club home and they are big fans of my work. He says, “Dude they are good to go!” On the elevator ride up, he tells me where he puts his condoms. “You are definitely gonna need some tonight!” He hyped it way up.

As we get to the door, he goes “the smaller one is mine”. I should have known that once the door opened, to not expect really hot chicks. And yes there was a big difference from the smaller one and the other one. The smaller one had a face of an onion. So let’s call her Onion. The other one was pretty big. She was my build. So lets call her Danielle.

Onion and Danielle were kinda giggling when I walk in. I say hello and they were pretty smashed too. Bob sits next to Onion and puts his arm around her. I seat myself next to Danielle and we exchange pleasantries. I wanted to kill Bob but hey, I figure he is a buddy and I needed to fall on the grenade.

Bob is trying his best to say some cool shit to get Onion into his room. She plays that typical girl that says she aint that kinda girl but she probably has seen more dick than a urinal. So she gets a phone call so she goes into the room. Bob waits a sec and then goes into the room. This left me and Danielle alone. She offers me some scotch which I wholeheartedly accept because I figured if I had to bump uglies with the female version of me I needed to get smashed. I immediately felt sorry for all past ex girlfriends.

Anyways, within a few minutes, you can hear the rhythmic sound of the headboard hitting the wall. Danielle looks at me and asks “What do you think they are doing?” I wanted to look at her and be like are you retarded. They having sex you clueless tard. One thing that really shuts down my sex drive is stupidity. I was limper than Stephan Hawkin’s legs. I just shrug and try to keep her occupied at least until Gyodano was done taxing Onion.

Soon the sounds of the headboard and wall stopped yet I kept on hearing some moaning. I guess they decided to take it to the floor. “Are they having sex?” asked the dumbass sitting next to me. I said, “ I think so. Lucky them…” And coolly took a sip of my 4th glass of scotch. Danielle starts to scoot real close to me now. I was pissed because she is throwing heat at me. Heat not just as in, the fuck me vibes, but also body heat as in it was a thick bitch and she gave off heat. So after downing my 5th glass of scotch I was not feeling it and had to figure out a way to keep her company.

I asked so where do you live. Female Me responds, “(a city that’s far from here)” I thought even if I smashed her, I would have to take this chick to her place. She wasn’t even worth gas. I was like “Wow, how you getting home?” She put on her puppy dog eyes (more like St. Bernard) and then said that she usually calls a taxi. I commended her on her not drinking and driving and asked if she needed me to call her a taxi. She seems a bit disappointed and responds that she knows the number.

After some time passes and the movie on the tv stopped playing she looks at her watch and goes “Wow its pretty late, I should get going” I tell her yes it is. She calls the taxi to come get her and she asks if I am spending the night at the place. I tell her I am gonna leave but Ill leave when the taxi comes pick her up. She still seemed disappointed that I wasn’t gonna make a move on her. Finally the taxi comes and she gets up and I see her in all her glory. I walk her to the car and she hugs me. The sun was coming up and it was a bit cold but it was the first time a girl hugged me and I felt like I had a blanket on. Amazing!

Danielle if you are reading this I am sorry that we didn’t have sex. It’s totally not your fault, its me.

Posted August 13th, 2010 by

Some Awful Gigs

When you start out at a stand up comedian, you are usually taking any type of gig that is offered to you. Bobby Lee told me that when I needed to get on stage as much as possible so that is exactly what I tried to do.

The thing with this is that comics go through some really awful gigs. Here are some terrible gigs I have done in my career so far:

Starbucks Gig

So my buddy and fellow comic, Walter Hong, calls me if I wanted to do a gig for a charity. I said sure why not. He tells me it is at a coffee house. I am thinking sure, I have done open mic nights before so that’s fine. Coffee houses suck because you hear espresso machines going off and registers slamming. Its not a good time.

Well I get to the gig and find out that its at a Starbucks. More specifically, the show is outside of a starbucks right underneath a fucking parasol. To add to that, the audience was a bunch of junior high kids. This was not gonna be a good gig. I can’t free tell dick jokes to a bunch of 12 year olds. I wanted to punch Walter right in the taint at this point. But I just sucked it up and did my set. Not a single smile. The Korean parents had no idea what the hell I was saying. The junior high kids were busy talking about their algebra homework amongst each other. I took that shit on the chin. One kid was trying to heckle. I had to shut that shit down but getting heckled by a 12 year old is excruciating.

Comedy at a Bar

There was a bar in Pomona that had a monthly comedy show. I was booked there once to feature and I did well. The next month they asked me to headline. I said sure why the fuck not. I get to the gig and I saw the weirdest mix of people ever. Half the crowd was a biker gang of some sort. The other half was a bunch of Mormons. You can definitely tell that they had different tastes in humor. The opener was pretty conservative and the Mormons seemed to like it but the biker gang looked like they were pissed for paying for cover. The feature was a bit on the crass side and the biker gang started getting into it. The Mormons, however, seemed to be shocked beyond belief. When it was finally my turn to hit the stage, I made a firm decision to take it dirty. The Mormons immediately were not feeling me as they were drinking their water. The biker gang seemed to be digging my set. Then I told a bit about having sex with pregnant women. The one dude that looked like ZZ top yelled out “That’s fucked up!” I can’t believe I shocked bunch of drunk biker dudes. But my smart mouth almost got me killed when I said, “Not as fucked up as when you fuck your sister in a trailer.” Thank god they were serving beer in plastic cups. I wrapped up my set after that and went straight to my car and drove home.

Sensitive Crowd

One of the worst gigs I have ever done wasn’t at a shitty bar or coffee house. It was at an actually comedy club. I was booked for this all black line up called Chocolate Sundaes. So after some comics go up. Mike Epps gets on stage and does about 30 minutes, he then introduces me as Danny Choo. Great…. I get on stage and the audience looks like they are pissed that a “Chinese Muthafucka” is on stage trying to do stand up. I started off just talking a lot of shit. I was pissed that Mike Epps botched the intro. I was pissed that the audience already turned on me because I was asian. I said fuck it and started shitting on black folks. I said that every time I see Comic View on BET there are black comics making Ching Chong jokes so I figured to let em know what it feels like. I heard one guy say “this muthafucka is crazy”. Instead of backing down from this already hostile crowd, I kept on bringing it. I figure I had to do a 15 minute set, imma take it to the audience for the whole time. The guy that put the show together started lighting me, meaning get the fuck off stage, around the 7 minute mark. I ignored it and did all 15 minutes. Then I got off stage and I heard Mike Epps say, give it up for Connie Chung’s fat son. I wanted to get on the stage and shit on people some more but whatever. I did what I had to do. I went outside and Mike Epps ran outside and said “either you are the bravest or dumbest muthafucka alive.” I said I may be both.

Here is some advice for people starting out or planning to do stand up comedy:

You better have thick skin because you are gonna bomb and have shitty gigs. Once you bomb a few times you will know whether or not you got what it takes. Because that shit will make you wanna quit comedy in a hurry.

Posted May 28th, 2010 by

Too Fat for My Bones part 2

Very recently, I went to be thinking there is this weird lingering pain on my right foot. I didn’t recall hurting it but it was throbbing. I thought nothing of it and went to sleep. When I woke up, the pain was all over my foot and ankle. Pretty swollen and my foot was purple. I thought maybe it is just a stress fracture.

You see I just got off a month long tour where I did a lot of walking. Well a lot of walking for my lazy standards. Anyways, I figured it is my body tell me to calm down and relax. I let it linger for a few days and my pain got worse. I had to call my homie to get me some crutches. Unfortunately the crutches were made for people 5 ft and shorter.

So doing my best impression of Tiny Tim, I finally called the doctor to get my foot X-rayed. So I get to the podiatrist office and it I got my foot examined. Turns out my foot isn’t broken. Instead, they said that I have gout.

For those that don’t know what that is, let me explain. Gout occurs when there is uric acid built up in the joints. The uric acid crystallizes and pretty much fucks you day up. Red meat, alcohol, and a gang of other things are the reasons for uric acid in the body.

So the doc tells me that I should avoid red meat and alcohol. When he told me that, I almost cried. He just told me not to partake in 2 of my 3 favorite things. If he said I couldn’t have sex anymore as well, I would have stabbed the doctor for sure. He said I should also stay away from broccoli and spinach. Phew, now I have an excuse of not eating those awful things!

The shitty thing about this whole situation is that most of my friends like to hang out at bars. That means I gotta order coke and water that the bar. I have become who I made fun of all these years. Ughh. I gotta eat like a hippie d-bag now. UGH if you see me order a veggie burger I give you full permission to point and laugh at me. Thanks.