Mas Oyama, originally named Choi Young Eui, is a martial arts master that founded a style of karate called Kyokushikai. They are known for the 100 man fighting test. Meaning in order to get a black belt, you need to fight 100 people all in one sitting. Pretty nuts if you ask me.
Oyama was born in Korea in the 1930s. He learned martial arts from a Chinese worker, who was tending his sister farm. The Chinese dude would but him through some crazy shit. For example, he would plant a seed and told Oyama to jump over it 100 times a day, every day. Which doesn’t seem like much in the beginning but when the seed started to sprout he would still have to jump over this shit. Reports state that the seed grew into a tree. Oyama jumped over fucking trees! Michael Jordan aint got shit on Oyama.
Korea was under Japanese control during the beginning stages of Oyama’s life. When Japan invaded China in the beginning stages of World War II, Oyama went to Japan to enlist in the Japanese Airforce. When he wasn’t training to fly planes, he started learning from the guy who started Shotokan Karate.
Oyama never got to fight in World War II, but didn’t mean he wasn’t gonna quit being a badass. When the war was over, Oyama was pretty pissed that 1) he didn’t get to fight and 2) his homies got shot down by the US. So in a form of random, retarded, yet awesome vengeance, he started to fight the US military personnel that was stationed in Japan after the war.
His good friend told him that even though beating the shit out of these soldiers is kinda badass, its not the smartest thing to do. He convinced Oyama to go train the mountains of Japan and hone his skill. Oyama thought it was a brilliant idea and headed to the mountains. Oyama trained in the wilderness. He punched trees and rocks all day. He meditated underneath freezing waterfalls. He was a bit of a nutty guy. On a sidenote, I have trained in various martial arts for 17 years but let me be the first to tell you, punching trees and rocks daily is kind of a nutty thing.
After 18 months of this ridiculous Rocky IV training, Oyama came down from the mountain and entered a tournament. He won the Japanese National Martial Arts Championship. Right after the win, he went back up to the mountain thinking that he needs to be even more dominant. He stayed in the mountain for another 18 months. This dude was crazy!
When he finally came down from the mountain, he founded a dojo so that he can teach people what he learned. Unfortunately, his style of martial arts was not suitable for everyone. His regimen included full-contact style of martial arts. Pretty much anyone that trained under him has gotten hurt while training under him. It is not a good business model when you have to pay money to get your ass kicked by the teacher and end up going to the hospital. They basically paid Oyama money so that he can punch them in the face. So Oyama did what any business man would do, he traveled the country trying to prove his style was awesome. I don’t know if his style was awesome but I can see he is definitely awesome.
It was a different time back then. Nowadays, when a martial arts school wants to promote the legitimacy of their school they put of shows and lots of precut boards are kicked and broken. Oyama was sick of breaking board, probably because he punched a fucking tree for 3 years. Instead, he decided to fight bulls with his bare hands. He fought a total of 52 bulls and he killed 3 of them with once punch. Although I am not a fan of animal cruelty for no reason, I have to stress how crazy this shit is. He punched a bull (horns included) in the fucking face. This earned him the nickname “The Godhand”. The other bulls he defeated in various ways like karate chopping a bull horn off the animal’s skull. I feel sorry for his penis, especially when he was jerking off.
Furthermore, Mas Oyama also liked getting into full contact sparring matches. Reportedly over the course of 3 days, Oyama fought 300 sparring matches and kicked all their asses. He was so crazy that some of his opponents ended up with broken arms while blocking his punches. When it was all over, Oyama thought the kumite was so awesome that he made a 100-man battle the requirement for getting your fourth-degree black belt in Kyokushinaki Karate. To this day, you need to fight a hundred full-contact matches in a row, win over 50% of them, and not be knocked down for more than five seconds at any time in the trial. It’s exhausting just to think about this black belt test.
Mr. Oyama, even though I don’t agree with some of your decisions, you are truly one of the most baddass Asians of all time.
Yogendra Singh Yadav
Now when you think of Indian folks, you probably don’t think of badass. I blame the spelling bee and the Simpsons for that. However once you know about this guy, you might sing a different tune.
Yogengra Singh Yadav was a member of an Indian grenadier battalion during a war with Pakistan in 1999. You see if you know a little about the news and history you should know that India and Pakistan fucking hate each other. This hate comes from a dispute of an area called Kashmir. I am not sure why they want that place so much but the fought because of it.
Pakistan did some asshole moves and started encroaching into India. They swallowed up some abandoned bunkers and next thing you know India’s army was surrounded. So the only option was to take back these bunkers and put the asshole Pakistanis back in their place. So this was the mission given to Yadav and his battalion:
The needed to climb Tiger Hill (was a big icy fucking mountain). They then needed to reclaim the bunkers that were taken from them at the top of this “Hill”. The problem is that they needed to climb a sheer hundred foot icy cliff. One guy had to go up and set up a rope system for the rest of the battalion to climb up. Yadav who had balls of steel volunteered and went up first.
As Yadav is climbing up this big ass treacherous snowcone, the enemies spotted Yadav and his homies and started opening fire. More than half of the battalion was killed including the commander. Yadav, got hit 3 times! Twice in the shoulder and once in the groin. As I said before this dude has balls of steel.
When he finally got to the top, the bunker that was right in front of him started shooting at him with machine guns. Like the crazy badass that he was, he ran toward the bullets. He threw a grenade into the bunker and killed everyone inside. As this happened, a second bunker started shooting at him, so being a consistent badass that he is, ran toward the bullets and jumped inside and did a lil mortal combat with these fools. Reports have said that a hadouken was thrown but that is just one report so know one knows for sure cept God, Yadav and the victims. He killed the men with his bar hands!
The rest of his squad was just looking at the one man killing machine and said “WTF, this dude is crazy!” They decided to help out and take over the third bunker in a matter of minutes.
Yadav got shot more times than 50 cent and didn’t really have to tell anyone how much of a gangsta he was. Yes I said it Yadav> 50 cent. For his pure awesomness, Yadav was awarded the Param Vir Chakra, India’s highest military award. He was awarded posthumously too. Funny because he was still alive. I guess the people at the top of India’s military didn’t believe that someone who did all this crazy shit could possibly be alive. Well the dude was and still is alive. The Param Vir Chakra is given for “rarest of the rare gallantry which is beyond the call of duty and which in normal life is considered impossible to do.” Pretty much you needed to be a superhero to get this award.
So here is to you Mr. Yadav. You are truly one of the most badass Asians of all time!
Being that I love history and I like it when an asian does well, I decided to give you guys a history lesson on the most badass asians in history. Just to make yall know that we aint some bitches that are just good at math and shit. So here is the first installment of the most badass Asians of All Time!
Yi Soon Shin
Admiral Yi Soon Shin is a hero of Korea and one of the most badass naval commanders in history.
The man was born in Seoul in 1545. He grew up basically doing man-shit like fucking with a sword, riding horses, drinking scotch, etc. He then was enrolled in the Westpoint of Korea. After receiving his diploma he was assigned by Korea to take care of these annoying fuckers called the Jurchens. Jurchens were complete and utter assholes and came to Korea. They started robbing Koreans for no reason. A very douchebag move if you ask me. Anyways, Yi gets there and starts fucking up these Jurchens. He eventually captured the Jurchen leader and torture the bastard til he died. While the defeating the asshole Jurchens, Yi’s commanding officer was sipping on some pure haterade and said that Yi was straight up bounced during the final scrap with the Jurchens. The king who was a quite a retarded fuck believed the jealous asshole superior and had Yi arrested. He got the living shit beat out of him in jail and when he got out, he had to start from the beginning as a private in the army. That sucks ass.
But Yi wasn’t about to bitch about his situation. He got back in the army and just started coming up in ranks. The dude was soon appointed the head dude of some prestigious military school. He then was appointed Admiral. Yea, no offense David Robinson but this dude was way more badass than you. Anyways, Yi was in charge of building up the Korean Navy. At this time, the Japanese, they did a lot of asshole things back in the day, were knocking on Korea’s door starting some shit. In 1592 a fleet of Japanese warships started some major shit with Korea.
Here is something important to note. Even though Yi was appointed Admiral, the dude had zero experience in naval warfare. He didn’t know shit. Hell, the Korean Navy was pretty much like the LA Clippers of the warfare game. They fucked around and everyone punked on them. So Yi has to face the Japanese Nave who got all kinds of crazy shit going for them. They got samurais, ninjas, and all kinds of other crazy people but Yi didn’t really give a shit.
His first naval battle was the Battle of Okpo. He had 54 ships compared to Japan that had more than 70. (Not a math whiz but Japan had a clear advantage) This didn’t matter though because Korea put a hurting on the Japanese forces. To top that off Korea reported zero injuries. How in the fuck do you not have a single injury in a battle?!
The next battle was the Battle of Sacheon. Yi saw a gang of Japanese troops who landed so they could jack the Korean settlement there. Yi was not happy with this douchebaggery and he sunk ever Japanese warship in the harbor. He then went over to the Japanese commander and bitch slapped him to death. In this battle, Yi was got shot in the shoulder. The dude didn’t even say ouch like most people would.
He got into a gang of battles in 1592 and he won ever single battle that year. He sunk hundreds of enemy ships and only 11 of his men were wounded. None of his men died. He was the Phil Jackson of Admirals except he never lost.
Yi was also known for building “Turtle Ships”. Sure it sounds queer but them ships were like floating tanks. They had metal plating with steel spikes sticking out of them. Meaning if some Japanese ninja or samurai thought they were gonna jump on board, they better think twice because you probably gonna get kebab’ed. In addition, these Turtle ships at lots of guns, a cannon, and a nose that acted like a battering ram. Yi used this ships to just ram the shit out of the enemy. This wasn’t finesse folks. He would play bumper ships with these Japanese boats and pretty much watched his enemies drown to death. That’s a cold blooded dude right there.
Even with all these odds stacked against him, Yi kept on whooping Japan ass. He kicked so much as the Japanese General Toyotomi Hideyoshi told his Admirals not to go against the Korean Navy because they were getting the living shit kicked out of them. Soon an armistice was signed between Korea and Japan.
But peace didn’t last long because the Japanese were conniving little fucks. They managed to have a double agent in the Korean court. This traitorous bastard convinced the Korean King to order Yi to move is crew to an area called the Chilchon Straits. Japan set a trap here but like I said early the Korean King couldn’t lead shit. When Yi received the order from the King, he gave the messenger the middle finger and refused to go because he knew this was all bullshit. Yi was once again arrested and got the shit and piss beat out of him for disobeying the King. While Yi was locked up, the command was given to this dumbfuck named Won Gyun. He was a stupid fuck that probably needed to be put in special education classes. Anyways, this dipshit followed the King’s orders and retardedly sailed the Korean Navy to Chilchon Straits. 169 ships and 30,000 men went into Chilchon. 13 ships and 200 men came out. Battle was over in a few hours. In a span of less than an NBA game, more than 20,000 Korean soldiers died. The Japanese fucked up the Korean Navy and caught Won Gyun. They made him into sashimi and pretty much shat and pissed on the dead Korean sailors. Must feel nice since they pretty much destroyed the whole Korean Navy in one battle.
The King decided that he kinda fucked up and put Yi back in charge. When Yi got back to work, he understood that his navy was in pretty bad shape. But this is the badass gangsta shit that he said after looking at his inventory:
“I still have thirteen ships. As long as I am alive, the enemies will never gain the Western Sea.”
In 1597, Yi took his 13 ships and went to battle with the entire Japanese Army. In the Battle of Myeongnyang, Yi and his 13 ships went up against 300 Japanese ships. If I was a betting man, I would have bet my whole life savings on Japan especially with these types of odds. Thank god I didn’t call a bookie because Korea won. Yi pretty much positioned his force to block this narrow strait-ala- SPARTA style. When all was said and done, Yi’s men sunk 123 ships and killed about 12,000 Japanese sailers including the head Japanese Admiral. Wanna know how many were wounded in team Korea? 3 were wounded and only 2 were killed.
This was the turning point of the war. The Chinese finally decided to help out and joined Korea. At the Battle of Noryan, 150 Korean and Chinese ships went after 500 Japanese ships, who were on the run back to Japan. Getting their ass beat all the way home is a pussy move if you asked me. While he was chasing the Japanese, Yi was mortally wounded, shot in the chest to be exact. He was all about winning. His last words were, “The battle is at it’s height. Do not announce my death.” Basically, he told everyone to shut the fuck up til the war was over. Whatever raft or canoe was left of the Japanese navy went back home and cried like little bitches. They asked for peace and the war was over. So here is to you Admiral Yi Soon Shin. You are truly one of the most badass Asians to have ever lived.
Dear Haters,
In the past 10 years that I have been doing stand up, I have faced tons of haters. I get hate mail very often. I don’t let it bug me too much because well it comes with territory. But I felt like addressing some issues regarding some of the haters because this is my blog and I write whatever I wanna write. Also I can’t individually answer all the hate mail with my favorite line “Eat a bowl of dick.”
1) First of all I don’t really mind of you hate me or not. Everyone has his or her own opinion. So keep on emailing me. Some of the emails I get are really funny. I shall post em up later.
2) I am not some yellow panther. I didn’t start comedy or make videos with the mindset of empowering my people. Don’t get me wrong, I love my asian folks but I am not doing this for them. I tell jokes because I think its funny and its therapy for me. If I am setting a bad example in your eyes then so be it.
3) A lot of youtube comments for ktown cowboys have stated that it playing up stereotypes. To that I have some responses. First of all, where in media do you see Asians being normal people. Drinking, having fun, etc. Give me a few examples in American Mainstream media please. Go ahead, I’ll be waiting. Chances are, you won’t find a damn example. So for those people that say that, stop being retarded. Now there are people that hate because they just don’t like the project. That’s completely fine. Again everyone has the right to their own opinion. But if that is the case then go shoot your own movie that depicts Asians the way you seem right. If you hate the way asian are portrayed then write, produce, raise money, and shoot your own movie/series. Once you do that come talk to me. Let’s not be internet gangsters that talk shit behind a computer but be a doer. You can shit on us all you want but if you don’t do something about it, its not gonna change a God Damn THING for Asians in this business.
4) I would say that the majority of the hate I get are from asian people. And of those asian people the majority of them are Korean. So that means a huge number of shit talkers are from my own Korean people. I just want to let you guys know that even if every single asian in the country supported their fellow asian in the business, that still anyone means 4 percent of the population, which in the eyes of White America doesn’t mean shit. There are some asian American entertainers that really don’t give a shit about their people and I don’t think that is right either but I understand where they are coming from. They have been shat on by their own people when they were starting out so through bitterness when they get to a certain level, they may just say fuck it. Again I don’t think this practice is right but I thoroughly understand why they do it.
So for all the haters out there please keep it coming. It just gives me more fuel hustle harder.
Sincerely,
Danny Cho
PS. Oh yea, I forgot. Please go eat a bowl of dick.
Too Fat for My Bones part 2
Very recently, I went to be thinking there is this weird lingering pain on my right foot. I didn’t recall hurting it but it was throbbing. I thought nothing of it and went to sleep. When I woke up, the pain was all over my foot and ankle. Pretty swollen and my foot was purple. I thought maybe it is just a stress fracture.
You see I just got off a month long tour where I did a lot of walking. Well a lot of walking for my lazy standards. Anyways, I figured it is my body tell me to calm down and relax. I let it linger for a few days and my pain got worse. I had to call my homie to get me some crutches. Unfortunately the crutches were made for people 5 ft and shorter.
So doing my best impression of Tiny Tim, I finally called the doctor to get my foot X-rayed. So I get to the podiatrist office and it I got my foot examined. Turns out my foot isn’t broken. Instead, they said that I have gout.
For those that don’t know what that is, let me explain. Gout occurs when there is uric acid built up in the joints. The uric acid crystallizes and pretty much fucks you day up. Red meat, alcohol, and a gang of other things are the reasons for uric acid in the body.
So the doc tells me that I should avoid red meat and alcohol. When he told me that, I almost cried. He just told me not to partake in 2 of my 3 favorite things. If he said I couldn’t have sex anymore as well, I would have stabbed the doctor for sure. He said I should also stay away from broccoli and spinach. Phew, now I have an excuse of not eating those awful things!
The shitty thing about this whole situation is that most of my friends like to hang out at bars. That means I gotta order coke and water that the bar. I have become who I made fun of all these years. Ughh. I gotta eat like a hippie d-bag now. UGH if you see me order a veggie burger I give you full permission to point and laugh at me. Thanks.
