Posted November 3rd, 2009 by

1250 Westgate Part I

During my junior year of college, my friends and I had to move out of the dorms. UCLA guarantees housing for 2 years, but after that you are on your own. My friend’s dad purchased a condo for us to live in (not for free). The funny thing about the leasing agreement with his dad was that he wrote the contract wrong (FOB). So technically, the contract stated that he needed to pay us for living there. But I let it slide because it was a fucking dope ass condo. It was a 3 bedroom condo that was 2 stories. The first month we moved in we threw a house warming party and wrecked the place.

We invited people and it got to a point where there were about 150 people in the whole place. There was a lot of booze and a lot of other things going on. As always with a bunch of Asians, there were a few scuffles. The police came by 3 times. We offered the cop some beer and he just told us to keep it down. Fucker took the beer. Dirty pig!

That was the most drunk I have ever been in my life. I got so drunk, I spent half the time in the bathroom. I vomited things I didn’t know I ate. I ended up blacking out on the toilet. I am assuming I did because I had a bruise the shape of a toilet bowl on my chest. I woke up the next day to see our dope place in shambles. Beds were broken, one toilet was broken and the place just looked like the inside of a crack house. Trust me on this, I know what the inside of a crack house looks like. So I woke up some of the roommates to attempt to clean the house. The problem was we were all hung over.

At the time, we had 2 girls (Gumby and Shoulder Pads) subletting for a few weeks. They were friends of mine and cool chicks. We all started cleaning and we found something totally unexpected at our place. We found a still moist thong in the laundry room. We were trying to figure out who would just leave that kind of underwear at a stranger’s place. I asked Gumby and Shoulder Pads if the sticky undergarment belonged to them. They swore it wasn’t theirs. Although I gave em shit for it, I believed them. They weren’t whores. Then comes a knock on our door. When we opened it, it was a boxed filled with cigarette butts. The neighbor downstairs said that it was all from our party. She didn’t look too pleased. I said sorry and slammed the door on her face. There would be nothing good coming out of that talk. We tried to clean as best as we could but it wasn’t even close to looking like what it looked like when we moved in a month ago.

My 20th Birthday

A few months after we moved in, my roommates wanted to throw me a birthday party. They had the brilliant idea of hiring a stripper for my birthday. The stripper would come to our place and give us a private show. So my friends were on a gang of websites. They wanted to find the perfect stripper. They told me to invite whoever I wanted so invited some friends and told them a stripper was coming.

20 dudes came through. Lots of beer and booze was available. According to the website, an extra fee would be incurred if we wanted the session videotaped. Being poor yet crafty college students, we set up a shitty Logitech webcam from the second floor of our place. I haven’t seen the footage in years, and hopefully that thing doesn’t resurface but my friends are assholes so one day you will all see the whole session.

Anyways, the stripper finally arrives. She comes in with her “bodyguard”. The bodyguard looked like a taller Jonah Hill. The stripper looked very hot on the website but she looked a little weathered in person. Fuck you photoshop! So the stripper gets to work and starts giving us a show. Then she pulls me into the center of room. She strips me to my boxers and tells me to get on all fours. I was thinking bitch you are the whore you should be the one on all fours but I amused her wishes. She then asks my buddy SP for a belt. That fucker gave her the widest fucking belt ever. Last time I saw a belt like that it was around the waist of Hulk Hogan. I was drunk so the liquid courage kicked in. I figure I have been in tons of fights in my life and this lil coke head stripper wasn’t gonna hurt me. It was my birthday dammit. She wouldn’t hurt me! Well I was wrong. I knew something was up when she was whirling the belt in the air to rev up to hit me. The belt was whistling at a pretty high frequency. Then slap. The bitch hit me and caught me with the belt buckle. I wanted to get up and punch her in her taint. But all the other guys were laughing and I figured if it is funny, I will endure. She smacked me a few more times and that was that.

Then she tells me to lay on my back. She then takes a quarter and puts it on my nose. She then takes off her underwear and stands up above me and picks up the quarter without using her hands. The dirty whore squatted on my face and picked up currency with her vagina. Although she was nicely shaven and smelled of Johnson and Johnson baby oil, I was not happy with what she did. I thought for sure I had AIDS on my nose.

The shitty thing about the whole ordeal is that even though, I told the people that a stripper was coming a week in advance, none of the guys brought cash. I feel bad for my roommates that brought the stripper over because they had to go to the ATM and get more cash. I am sorry guys but the message of this story is, my friends are better than yours.

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Posted October 31st, 2009 by

Let me start by saying that growing up, I was not into korean pop music at all. When I was younger and artists like DJ DOC, HOT, and SES were around I was not a fan. But as of late, I was hooked on watching Korean Variety shows on youtube. One of the popular girl groups in Korea right now have really “tickled my pickle” The thing is, I don’t see these girls as chicks I want to fuck. They are younger than my baby sister! But I find these girls fucking adorable.  Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you Girls Generation :

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Yea you kick those sexy legs!

Sorry don’t judge me… But I would love to hang out with these lil girls and do stupid shit like make kimbab with them and just prance around a prairie filled with dandelions.

But I have been thinking, what is up with the slutty/sexy music videos in Korea. I was shocked because I didn’t know KPOP music video’s got this hot. Here are some examples:

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WTF is going on over there. I say we go to korea and find these girls. Who is with me? I am taking applications for girls who look like the chicks in the videos above to be my gf/wife. Thanks!

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Posted October 31st, 2009 by

UCLA Dorm Years Part II

During the second year I had a roommate. Let’s call him Harry. Harry was an interesting dude. He was smart. Like scary smart. My taekwondo instructor met him once and said I should be nice to him because he looks like he could probably blow up a building or something. He kinda looks like the Korean dude that shot up all those students at Virginia Tech.

Anyways, Harry was pretty cool with me. Our room had close to 200 dollars worth of hard liquor all the time. Whiskey and Scotch was what we drank. We were fucking 19 at this point. Anyways, Harry was dating this chick and one day I guess they decided they should have sex. Which is great but I was in the room. They thought I was sleeping but I was awake.

I was “sleeping” on my side, facing them. I realized they were about to have sex but if I made any sudden movements, that would throw off their horniness. So being the homie that I am I had to stay still. The thing is, I don’t mind watching porn or watching sex but that is because the chicks are usually hot or have nice bodies. This chick filled none of those requirements. So as I am laying there, I see her mounting Harry. Just pale ass going up and down really didn’t sit well with me. I wanted to throw up so I decided to move but again, I didn’t want to make a sudden movement because Harry is my homie.

So keeping the rest of my body completely still, I slowly started moving my head the other direction. I had to stay in that position for a long time. Fucker was taking too long. I was in the most uncomfortable position possible. My body was facing one way and my head was facing 180 degrees of my body. It was very Exorcist-esque. So finally they finish. But they start talking, since that is what a lot of girls like to do after sex. I wanted to slam icicles with AIDs juice into my ears because it was some of the dumbest fucking things ever uttered out of a human’s mouth. That is when I moved my whole body to catch up with my face. Damn, the things I would do for friends.

Another interesting story was one about this girl named Amy (not her real name but if she reads this, she might sue me). Anyways, Amy really liked my best friend Terry. Like really wanted to have his babies, liked him. The thing is, she was pretty damn gross looking. She looked like animal from the Muppet Babies. She was not hot at all. Sure this sounds mean but let’s be honest, she was busted and no guy with reasonable standards would want to be out in public with her. They say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. I say to them, sometimes when the cover is too fucked up you just don’t want to read the book.

Anyways, Amy, Terry, and I were in the same calculus class. If you don’t know me, I try to get to things a little earlier because I hate being late. Terry who happened to be already near class was already infront of the courtyard facing the lecture hall. He was talking to some chick about something while Amy was there and it looked like she was waiting to talk to him. Like he is some ride at an amusement park. I am sure she would have loved to ride him. So from afar I see this situation, so I figured I would have to fall on the grenade because I am a dope friend like that.

I walk into the scene with the most depressed face ever. Amy happens to see this and comes up to me and asks what’s wrong. I make up this story about how I bombed a midterm or something. I never bomb tests btw. I am a genius like that. Anyways, she says “Aww” and give me a hug. Terry sees this and give me that look. That you are a fucking down ass homie look. I gave him the “imma fucking kick you in the throat look” Obviously, Amy didn’t see any of this. I think she thought if she got to his best friend then she could have an “in” with Terry. Stupid bitch. So after the hug she goes, “we are gonna be late for class” and grabs my hand and leads me into the lecture hall. I look back and Terry is laughing his ass off. Throughout the class, I text terry over and over again how I am gonna shit on his pillow and things of that nature. I couldn’t stand Amy and I was not about to sit the next 2 hours next to her. So eventually, I made some excuse that I wasn’t feeling well and told her to take notes for me. I left walked outta class and Terry followed me. Damn you Terry!

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Posted October 26th, 2009 by

UCLA Dorm Years Part I

Well senior year of high school was pretty uneventful. I was Senior Class Treasurer. Yes Asian dude in charge of the money. (Insert Joke). I did ok in school. I did my fair share of cheating to get decent enough grades. I got into a decent amount of schools but I decided on UCLA. I don’t regret it one bit. I figure I could have gone to any other school but here is why UCLA was pretty awesome. For a pretty decent school, there were a lot of cute girls. I am a firm believer that God is fair. If you are an unusually smart chick then your looks have to be inversely proportional. For the kids that don’t know what that means let me explain. If you are damn smart then chances are you are damn ugly. Sure there are exceptions but if you don’t believe me then check out the MIT campus. Sorry MIT for blowing up your spot but that place had some of the ugliest females I have ever seen. They were really nice though. UCLA seemed to have decently smart girls that also looked decent as well. Sure there were trolls at UCLA too but there were lookers as well.

On top of the decent looking chicks, the dorm food was pretty stellar. According to surveys, UCLA was in the top 5 of best dorm foods across America. These surveys might be off because I was the one conducting them. Anyways, the food was awesome. Only Cornell had better food but the school was damn depressing.

And its West LA. The weather was always good here. Fuck all that snow and rain shit that other cities go through. You can argue that I should have gone to a San Diego school but let’s get serious now, I wanted to go a decent and reputable school.

So the first couple years were spent me gaining massive amounts of weight because of that damn good dorm food. Ughh! I gained a good 60 lbs in college. So the first year, I was paired up to live with an asian kid named Daniel. I guess the people thought it would be funny to pair two asian dudes named Daniel together. Harhar…. My roommate Daniel was very conservative. He would always stay in his room and do whatever it is he did on the computer. He was not too talkative and not that helpful but he didn’t really step on my toes much so that was cool.

The one time I wanted to hit him was I had a girl over and we were watching a movie. Now if I was him, I would have left the room to let the roommate do whatever he needed to do. I thought that was guy code but obviously this guy didn’t get the handout. So the movie we were watching was RoadTrip. And when the titty scene was on the screen, good ole Daniel sees the plethora of tits and yells out “Oh my word!” He then proceeds to look away and I guess he was kinda uncomfortable about the site of areolas. I dunno if he was gay or not but I don’t think a female walked into our room that was his guest.

Being that good ole Daniel was a bit of a square, I usually hung out at my suitemates’ room. Those guys were cool. Brad and Samer were always chill. Brad was an Indian dude that would on a drop of a dime hit that hacky Indian accent. Even though they were part of this Christian fellowship group, they always were able to handle my crassness. We also had some epic video game battles. Samer was a cool dude. I know he would be a lil miffed if I said this but I doubt he will ever read this so fuck it. We all shared a bathroom and every time I walk in the bathroom, I see baby powder in the floor. One day I was so curious that I walked into Samer and Brad’s room and asked if anyone is shooting free throws in the bathroom. (Basketball reference) Samer fessed up and said that he was powdering his sack to keep em from getting all sweaty and sticky. Good to know Samer. Hahah.

The extra plus about UCLA was that my best friend Terry was also a student there. We decided that it would not be good to live with each other because we might get on each other’s nerves. Terry lived at Sproul hall in a triple. That meant there were 3 people living in a small ass dorm room. Terry’s roommates were pretty damn cool. One of them Chris was a very interesting dude. He would cut people’s hair in the communal bathroom. I remember the first time he cut my hair. I took off my shirt and he was laughing at the amount of chest hair I had. I guess he didn’t believe that an Asian dude could have chest hair like I do.

The funniest story involving Chris makes me laugh to this day. So one day, Terry’s female friend Jackie came to visit him. I knew Jackie as well because she lived in my dorm complex. Anyways, Jackie is in Terry and Chris’s room and I notice that she had an unusual amount of arm hair. When I pointed it out, Chris offered to shave it off for her and proceeds to pull out his hair clippers. She says, “I dare you…” To which Chris shrugs and then shaves off a patch of hair. She looks at that bald patch looks up and starts bawling. She runs out crying to which Chris looks at me and says, “Dude, she dared me.” Damn I love that guy.

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Posted October 23rd, 2009 by

Howdy Folks. Its been a long time. I am away that I have probably 5 active readers here now.  So for those five, here is what has happened and what will happen.

Has Happened:

Virginia Tech Show

First of all, shout outs to all the staff members of AASU of Virginia Tech. They were very helpful and showed me around. So when I got booked to the gig I was tripping a little because its the place where that kid shot up 32 people a few years back. I know its a sensitive issue and me having the moral compass of Hilter, I was a bit worried about my material. Should I or shouldn’t I go tell whats on my mind. Personally, I know its a shitty situation and lives were lost but to me comedy comes from tragedy.

I am a bit of an ego maniac at times and when I did a google search, I realized that I am not even in the top 3 most famous cho’s in america. Its John, Margaret and that fucker that shot up people. Honestly, I have been doing stand up for the last 9 years and even though I have done some tv work and did some youtube videos that had some popularity, what this fucker did in a few hours made him more famous than me. Fuckin asshole.

Anyways, VA Tech was pretty cool. I did an hour and 1/2 set. I even got a chance to meet some people that have supported me for a while. Thanks Jamie and Jeff for always supporting and coming to the show. I appreciate it very much.

jeffvatech

Jeff’s friends and family told him that he looks like me. I told him he should punch is friends and family.

Anyways, after the gig, we go to this seafood restaurant/bar/club (Yea it was gonna be an adventure). I had a few drinks with the staff grabbed a bit to eat then went to my hotel. The hotel was nice. It looked like a fucking stone manor/castle.

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This was taken by hotels.com. When I got there it was just gloomy and raining.

Anyways, at the hotel, I had to be the youngest person at the hotel. There seemed to be some sort of old people’s convention going on. Everyone I saw at the lobby had to be in there 70′s. And although I have looked at gmilf porn before, it is not on my bucket list to bang an old lady with dentures. Ughh. So that was my trip to VA Tech.

Will Happen:

One day, I had to throw a party/concert and my first idea, with the help of my friends is coming to fruition.

halloween_poster

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TEAM PACQUIAO, CRAVE NIGHTS & FR*A PRESENTS..
Halloween Bash 2009
Philippines Disaster Relief Fundraiser

Date: Friday, October 30th, 2009
Time: 10:00pm – 2:00am
Location: Club Nokia in LA Live Center
800 W. Olympic Blvd, Los Angeles, CA

Performers:
Macy Gray – DJ Nemesis Jaxson on the 1s & 2s
Kaba Modern – MTV America’s Best Dance Crew
David Choi – YouTube Singer / Songwriter
Danny Cho – MadTV, Comedian
Jason Yang – YouTube Electric Violin Virtuoso

Special Guests:
Team Pacquiao – Freddy Roach
C.S Lee – Dexter
Leonardo Nam – The Perfect Score, The Fast and the Furious-Tokyo Drift, Vantage Point, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 1 & 2
Aaron Yoo – Disturbia, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist
Justin Chon – Twilight, Just Jordan
James Kyson Lee – NBC’s Heroes
and much, much more (trust us on this!)

VIP tickets will give you access to the Celebrity VIP area to meet all our celebrity guests. VIP tickets are almost sold out so pick up your VIP tickets now!

There will be lots of hot chicks. I will be there. Lots of celebrity appearance. Trust me on this, its gonna be off the chain. For tickets go to : http://framagazine.com/hb09/!

One more thing!

Funniest Story of the Year:

My buddy and I were drunk at a bar and he proceeds to tell me the funniest story I have ever heard.

My buddy KSW tells me that he got his circumcised a tad bit later than normal males. Anything after the first year is a tad bit late in my book. If you remember the surgery then it’s too late. So back to KSW’s story…

He explained to me that his family was pretty poor. Hence they couldn’t afford to do the surgery in the States. During the 8th grade, my homie and his parents go to Korea. While they were there, his mom decided that this was a perfect time for KSW to get a circumcision. KSW and his mom go to the surgeon’s place which he said looked like an “abortion clinic”. (I’ve been to an abortion clinic and it is not a fun place to be at. Just picture a bunch of teenage girls with dead beady eyes because they are about to commit murder. I am pro-choice btw) Anyways, while filling out the paper work, KSW’s mom proceeds to bargain with the doctor. See in Korea, you are used to bargaining for clothes, groceries, sex, etc. However, this mom tries to bargain the price of her son’s circumcision surgery. If someone was doing any type of work on my penis, personally, I want him to be in a content state of mind.  In Korean the phrase for please cut down the price for me is “Kkah Kuh joo sae yo” The phrase to ask someone to cut this off is also “kkah kuh joo sae yo.”

Anyways, KSW remembers getting local anesthesia and they gave him a korean comicbook to read while the doctor got to work making him less of a barbarian. He can hear the whole thing: the sound of the cutting, what the doctor is saying. After the surgery, they put a Dixie cup over his cock, and tells him to come back every week. When he walked outside the room, with a bulge in his pants due to a drinking apparatus in his pants, he realized that his mom was gone. He quickly remembered that his mom gave him subway money. Not taxi money because that is expensive apparently. That’s kinda fucked up if you ask me but that’s how most ghetto Korean moms are. So KSW duck walks to the subway station while everyone is staring at him.

dixiecupKorean version of a penis cast. I can’t find a picture of a smaller dixie cup.

He tells me once the anesthesia wore off, he was in some ridiculous pain. I feel bad for the dude. The cherry on top of this whole ordeal is that he was going through puberty at the time so he would have the stitches re-open frequently. As a guy, having a boner is an interesting feeling. I actually enjoy the sensation of blood rushing to the penis. But KSW couldn’t enjoy that sensation. Every morning sucked for him because of the morning wood. Poor dude.

He had to go back to the doctor’s office every week for a month or so. All the doctor did during the follow-ups was put baby powder on his wound and sent him back home. Oh one more thing, the doctor’s said that the stitches would dissolve after a while put apparently they haven’t. He says he has thread in his cock to this day. Poor dude and I feel bad for putting this story all in the open but its too funny to me.

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