I have a buddy with some ridiculous game. He pulls chicks like he is trying to beat Chamberlain. Let’s call him Solo. Kinda sounds like Beavis and Butthead and an all around creep, but you gotta love this guy. Anyways Solo has a many ridiculous stories but here are some of my favorite:
99 Cent Store
So a few years ago, I head out to my buddy KSW’s birthday party. We head to a small hole in the wall drinking stablishment. I can’t remember where because I was supremely smashed that night. Anyways after bar, we ended up at a Karoake Room (AKA NRB). This is when Solo decided to make his entrance with a girl in tow. This girl was pretty good looking with a decent rack. I didn’t see her ass because that is disrespectful. So he introduces her to everyone. When I went in to shake her hand I looked at her and I had a sense that this chick was a bit off. She had a little crazy in her eyes. What transpired that night was one of the oddest NRB experiences I have ever had. And I have had a lot of em…
Every time Solo got to microphone to sing, Crazy Eyes decided that she would be his backup dancer. I was like this is one supportive bitch. The first time was cute, the fifth time I was thinking this girl is high! I understand the urge to dance to a fast upbeat song. That’s cute. But when someone starts backup dancing to slow ballads, you got a problem. That is what she did.
The night ends with like most nights in Ktown. You’re drunk, smell like cigarettes, and pretty much are guaranteed to wake up with a gnarly (yes I used the word gnarly) hangover. The next day, I had to meet up Solo for lunch so as soon as I met him I asked about the Crazy Eyes. “Where the hell did you find her?” He responds, “I found her at the 99 cent store.” I was like why the hell did you pick her up at a 99 cent store. Why the fuck were YOU at the 99 cent store? He responds “ Think about she is Korean and at the 99 cent store. She has made a lot of bad decisions in her life. She is at the end of the road dude.” I responded “you sir are fucking brilliant!”
All You Can Eat BBQ
Solo and some buddies recently went to an Korean Club. For all you folks that are not familiar with a Korean Club think of it like a normal club in Hollywood (ie filled with chinese folks) but they have a concept called booking. Booking is like speed dating. Waiters bring girls to a table of dudes. They converse and if the guy has enough game or money (game substitute) you may be able to take a girl home.
So Solo and my buddy Headright are sitting at a table and they see this chick sitting at by herself at a distance. Being a persuasive bastard, Headright tells Solo to go holler at her. Solo went over there and spend a good amount of time talking to her. He comes back to the table and tells Headright that she is a bit of a downer. Headright said “So? Go take her home you silly man.” Solo shrugged and went back to the chicks table. After some more frivolous banter, Solo takes her back to her place. I guess she was such a downer her friends ditched her.
What happened next made me laugh for 2 days straight. At her place(far as fuck), Solo tried to get cracking on the activity of making his ballsack rhythmically hit her poop chute AKA sex. But she stopped him. She told him that they will have sex if he promises to buy her all you can eat Korean BBQ the next day. She bartered her vagina for some AYCE BBQ! Solo agreed and they boned. So the next day, Solo drives the girl to Ktown for BBQ, then drops her off at her place which is far as fuck, then he comes back to Ktown where he lives. Wow!
Moral of this story is Korean Food Makes Panties Drop!
I fucking hate it when people victimize themselves.
Oh my god, nothing is going right. My girl left me, I got fired from my job. Even my dog ran away. Didn’t u ever think that all of that might be your fault.
If things were going well, why would your girl leave. You must have fucked up or your girl is a whore. Regardless of the reason, you still fucked up. You should have known she was a cum bucket when she started spitting on your dick for a blow job.
People generally get fired from their jobs because they suck at it. Being laid off is a different story. But even then, if you were good at your job, it would be a whole hell of a lot harder to let you go.
That’s the problem with people these days. They wanna settle for mediocrity. What the hell happened to trying to be the best? People are complacent with bullshit.
People think Asians are geniuses. Like way smart because we are good at math. Muthafucka it’s because them fools busted their asses in school. Sometimes because our parents beat our ass into studying. To them they are ground zero. Rich foreigners would rarely immigrate here. Why the fuck would they. They are rich in their own country. Our parents come to the country without knowing the language and still make a living for themselves.
People get murdered and raped. Kids are born with aids, natural disasters are leveling homes and killing folks. They are victims. You are an ungrateful non contributing zero. I hope that you fucking drown in your bathtub. Then you are revived back to life then ass fucked by a dude hung like a pringles can (black guy) Then go eat a muthafucking bullet.
So stop complaining that the world is out to get you. And if indeed your friends are taking advantage of you, you are still a dumb fuck for having shady muthafucking friends. Don’t you ever bitch about your situation because most of the things can be prevented or fixed. Unless you got a physical deformity. That’s usually your parents fault.
For all those guys that think all vaginas are magical I got news for y’all. Some of them are awful. When I was young I thought all Asian girls took care of themselves down there. Then my world came crashing down. I met this girl at a club. She was drunk and I figure drunk chicks make mistakes and well lets be honest, I’m a big fucking mistake.
Anyways, i take this drunk mess to my place. Its getting totally hot but as clothes started coming off, it started to smell more. Once she was fully naked i realized where the smell was coming from.
I don’t mind hair on a vagina but when it looks like a brillo pad, I’m not gonna be turned on. To add to that it smelled like this girl jogged a marathon inside this club. When it comes to sex, I’m the type to make sure the girl is having a good time. Usually that means going down on the broad but this one I was not gonna just go head first into her trash dumpster smelling cunt.
So she is going down on me I’m trying to figure out how imma go down on her without throwing up. She tells me she likes to have the lights on because she is a visual person. Well there goes the holding your nose technique I thought.
I could have been an asshole and be like do u douche with toilet water? But I thought against it because That would have shut down the cock train. Destination, stank cooch.
So I suggested we do the good ole 69 position. She sucked dick like she was running out of air and my balls are the only source of oxygen. She even made gagging noises. How sweet of her. While this was going on, I was on the other end just reluctant. I held my breathe and went to her downtown la skid row district. She seemed to like it a lot but being that I smoke cigs it was a bit tough for me. Can’t hold my breathe for that long.
After about 10 minutes of this, we went into fucking. All I can smell was her awful baby maker. She came up to kiss me and then told me my breathe stank.
She stopped what she was doing. She is trying to flip this shit on me. I wasn’t having any of it. I was like um you made me lick your national geographic vagina and now you this its my bad hygiene? She got off of me and started getting dressed. She was cussing me out. Me being captain mature called her dumpster pussy. She got mad and stormed out.
If you are reading this miss stankonia I apologize. I hope u get that horrible odor problem fixed.
I was tired of porn so I decided to catch up on my friends blogs. I spit up my green tea reading this one.
For more awful posts check out my homie: Porno for nerds
i hate when girls come over. maybe because in my mind i’ve built my place to be a bachelor pad, free of the worlds ills (read: raging vag holes that ruin my life). but in reality, its because i dont like people judging me that i, potentially, will murder with fishing wire and a ski mask. when a mouse enters the lions den, who knows what’ll happen? this is not a confession– just a mere proclamation of affairs.
some time ago, a female friend was over to check out the place. she asks to use the bathroom and i oblige. in the back of my mind i’m thinking “bitch make it quick, i do evil in there.” she however was in there forever. eventually she comes out with my white hand towel up to her face– she’s wiping her mascara on my WHITES!
Fuck that! I hate when there are filthy random stains on my nice whites. if any of you have ever been to my place, i only care about 2 things. 1. high thread count on my egyptians cotton sheets 2. my perfectly white towels; fluffy as sin.
“BITCH! Don’t use that towel!” i yell bereft of courtesy. she looked frightened– the face reserved for the moments right before you realize you’re gonna get a blast in the face. “what kind of blast?” you may ask yourself– just ask maria ozawa.
I digress. The resonance of my outburst echoed off the wall, and got back to me. As it hit my ear drum i had the stark realization that if i admit that i’m very anal about my whites and linens there will be much more harm to what semblance i have of being a easy going joe. i can’t have my visage crumble under the precept that the truth is i love martha stewart for more than her g.i.l.f-ish wiles.
“why?” she meeked.
“uh…. cuz… uh… that’s my nut rag… your eye will get pregnant.”
in my head i was all “ha ha… yeah…. problem solved ::air five::”
8===> —— O;
the end.
My buddy Bob from the Falling on the Grenade Story, is very interesting dude. He always blurts our random things that never make sense. When he plays video games, he would just blurt out nonsensical things but then he started blurted out “AWHATDAHELL!” I really didn’t think anything of it.
One day during a long drive to Vegas, I asked him where in the fuck did he get “AWHATDAHELL!” from. He tells me it’s a stupid story. I said hey fucker imma be driving for 5 hours, and we aint got shit to do. So he starts the story.
A few years ago, he was briefly dating…er fucking a Thai chick. Not a Thai/American but a thai broad that came into the country like the day they met. So Bob and Tiger Uppercut were eating dinner pretty far away. On the drive back home, he started dozing off. Instead of pulling over, he was thinking what is the best way to stay awake while driving. He figured that if he was horny, he would stay awake. He pulls out his cock and tells Tiger Uppercut to suck on it. She looks at his cock and blurts out “AWHATDAHELL!”
Bob met Tiger Uppercut at a hostess bar. She didn’t speak English that well, he didn’t speak Thai so their conversations would have made a mime jealous.
One day, Bob calls me and goes hey do you have a lighter with a number to a taxi. All lighters in Ktown have this. I told him I am nearby his work so I will swing by. When I get there, there is a random Thai broad sitting there in a fur coat. It was summer so I thought it was strange. Bob comes out of the corner to greet me. It was the first time he ever that he was not happy to greet me. I guess he was trying to hide the Thai broad from me and his friends. I tried to play it off but it was hard to ignore the Thai elephant in the room.
So he asks me if I would like to have a cig outside. I said sure. And I was like “Yo, what is up with Ong-bak in there?” He told me how they met. I clowned on him for years about her and her fur coat.
It has gotten to a point that the…uhm…word AWHATDAHELL has been used instead of a Thai girl. For example, lets say there are a gang of Thai birds at the bar. I would say Yo there are a gang of AWHATDAHELLS in this bitch. So dear readers, please feel free to use the word. Thanks!
And for all you sensitive people fucking relax and don’t call me a racist.
