Posted January 8th, 2009 by

So the new year has started and I decided I should write a mini book about random tales about my life. But given the fact that I am an atrocious writer, I decided that I should just blog these tales first. Also, I feel a bit douchebag-gy writing about myself. hahah.

Anyways, here is my first story:

I am the first to admit that every ass whooping I got from my parents were well deserved. I may not have turned out to be a doctor or lawyer, like they wanted but I believe that I am fairly well adjusted. Sure I still got problems and have thoughts that should get me locked up but I guess that is why I do stand up.

My ass whoopings were many and memorable. However, I will never forget my first one. At the tender age of 2, I was left alone in the living room. My parents, grandmother, aunts, and uncles were in the kitchen talking and having a good time. I remember it being pretty cold and I was sitting on top of an electric blanket. So no matter how much I cranked up the dial on the blanket, it was just not warm enough to keep me warm. I remember thinking how I was going to keep myself warm and toasty. I figured that fire was hot so I proceeded to go find something to start a fire. My dad was a professional smoker back then. He would smoke about 2 packs of Malboro’s a day. Like I see people smoke cigarettes and most people I meet are amateurs in my eyes. Chain smoking doesn’t really impress me either. My dad smoked so much that people with emphysema would tell him to calm down. So undoubtedly I found a lighter nearby. You guys have to understand that I was kind of brilliant and retarded at the same time. For a 2 year old to figure out that fire is hot and would warm me up is brilliant. That’s problem solving skills. To find a lighter and figure out how it works is also pretty damn genius if you ask me. The retarded thing about the incident is that I almost set my whole damn house on fire. So I light the electric blanket and immediately feel warm. But there was this feeling somewhere in my gut. I like to call it the “oh shit” response. Every time I am doing something potentially life altering, I usually feel this feeling because I usually make a shitty decision. Inevitably, the people around will respond by saying “oh shit”.

So the electric blanket is on fire and my dad runs into the living room because of the smell carpet burning. He proceeds to get a wet towel and puts out the fire. He is frantically hitting the fire with this demented look in his eyes. This should have been a sign of things to come because as soon as he put out the fire. He decided to put me out. With the same demonic look as mentioned above, he fixes his glare at me and proceeds to whoop on me. Again, as I look back on it, I realize that this is very much deserved. I almost burned the damn house down. I guess the unusual thing about this ass whooping is that it felt like a WWE. My dad kicks my ass and it seemed like he tagged my mom because he stopped to rest and it was my mom’s turn. She is a very tiny woman. 4 feet 8 inches of pure emotion and fire. The spiciest chili peppers in the world are usually the small ones. Anyways, she started kicking and stomping on me. I was like a rodent you find in the kitchen. There was screaming, crying, and much pain dished out. I thought after my mom was done, the ass whooping would be over but it wasn’t. My grandma came in and whooped on me, then my aunts and uncles double teamed me. I literally got initiated to this gang called my family. After this incident, I have always been hesitant to light anything on fire.

My family effectively figured out a way to deter any hopes of me becoming a pyromaniac.

Posted January 2nd, 2009 by

Well, 2009 is finally here and people are breaking their resolutions already and talking about changing their bad habits of the past. Its funny that the end of the year is when most people reflect about their lives. It starts off at thanksgiving then then christmas, and finally ends at new years where people finally realize how shitty they have been. I too started thinking about my crazy 08 and here is a bit of my reflecting and realization:


Well 2008 was an interesting year for me. It is the first full year that I have been in the entertainment business full time. The year started with me filming a superbowl commercial with carlos mencia.

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It was a great start of 2008 because this commercial helped me stay alive for damn near half the year! Then, came the end of a relationship in Feb.  I must say that all break ups suck ass. However, you live and you learn and i guess there is a silver lining to all of that. I can say that I really enjoyed my time with her and to this day she is a very special person in my life. You might ask if I have aspirations of being with her again. My reply is probably not. I realized that I losing someone you truly care about it the worst part of a break up and quite frankly i dont want to lose this person again. In some way, shape, or form, she is still involved in my life and I am grateful for that.

Throughout 08, I was blessed to be a part of a sketch for Mad TV. Bobby Lee has been a really good big brother to me. He is an huge reason that I jumped into this business. Bobby is not only a great comedian and entertainer but I can say that he really is a good person. He helps out those that he cares about and has given opportunities to alot of young comedians. So if you see Bobby, dont just get geeked out that he is on tv but I want everyone to know that he is a damn awesome person. 

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There are many more but I am too lazy to find more Mad TV i have done throughout these last 2 years. Thanks Bobby for the opportunity!

Despite getting all this work, I have yet to get the support of my family regarding my career choice. For most asian american folks, know how crazy conservative asian parents are. Well, my parents are the epitome of crazy conservative.  I used to have a pretty decent job. (Very respectable in the eys of all Korean American Parents). So they were not thrilled about my career choice. But I guess they know that this is what makes me happy and makes me get up every morning so they aren’t saying much.

Well back to a recap. During the middle of the year, I filmed my first one hour standup dvd. It is, to this point, my biggest show of my life. I thank everyone for coming to the show and supporting it! And get the dvd when you get a chance! 


Ive met a lot of good people this year and also have lost quite a few. I guess it is a part of life and so I try to keep my big pumpkin head up and keep on trucking. Lots of people are telling themselves that they are going to bring in the new year and wish for the best but I say fuck that! Aint shit gonna change unless you yourself change. Sure the economy is bad and shitty things have happened in your lives in 08 but I strongly believe that if you people think you will sit there and wait for shit to change then I hope you get hit in the face with a baseball bat.  

I too need to change a lot of things about me but I cant promise if these changes will happen. Nothing really is certain for me. But one thing is for sure, I will continue to be me as best as I can. I thank every friend, fan i have met and even the haters that have crossed my path. 

The point of this post is probably hard to understand because I write like a retarded fuck but let me simplify it. 2009 is just another year. It wont get better unless you yourself changes. Dont curse 2008 because you were some dumbass that made bad decisions and shitty things happened to you. We all should take the initiative.

Posted December 26th, 2008 by

So I took my then girlfriend to a romantic getaway in Palm Springs. We get there and things are good. We have a good time. Great dinner. Messing around in the resorts hot tub, then we go to the room for a lil boom boom. So we get going with the foreplay. Everything is going great. Then she stops me and says, I haven’t had my period for 3 months. WTF. How is she going derail the dick train like this? She could have told me this I dunno, about 2 months ago.  So at this point, I just threw out a suggestion that I didnt want to do. I asked, want me to get you a pregnancy test.  As soon as I finished my question I knew this was a bad idea. She tells me yes.

Its about 3AM now. I wanted to kill myself for suggesting such a retarded idea. I call downstairs and ask where the nearest pharmacy is. I am informed that it is 5 miles away. When I get to the Sav-ons I am literally in a sea of old white ladies. So I am standing in line with old white ladies who are buying ensure and denture glue. And I am there with one pregnancy test and condoms. These ladies were looking at me with pure disgust and hatred. Like they were getting flashbacks of Pearl Harbor. So I am driving back to the resort, thinking holy shit please don’t let this bitch be pregnant. Like if she was id punch her in the stomach while she is sleeping. Or kick her down the stairs or something.

So I finally get to the resort and she starts taking the test. I am praying to go that she comes out negative. First time in a test where a minus is a good thing. After 20 minutes pass and turns out she aint pregnant. After looking at the piss stick, she looks at me and says ok I am ready to have sex. How does this spawn of satan think I am gonna be in the mood after that shit? That’s trying to fuck after you finished scrapbooking with your grandma. 

But I still hit that shit because you just cant turn down sex. I didnt enjoy it though. I was angry about it but hey sex is sex.

Posted December 23rd, 2008 by

So my previous entry was about random “no shit” events that I can recall. This one was my trip to the hospital. About a year ago, I went to the doctor just for a full body checkup. Being a fat ass, I realized there might be many problems with me.

So I get to the doctor’s office. I was pleasantly surprised that it was a lady doctor. This way I can look at her in the eyes when she gives me a prostate exam.



So this doctor asks me a bunch of health questions and had the nurse draw blood etc.  The doctor comes in after the blood test and tells me to drop my pants.  I was worried because I realized its impossible to get hard in a hospital. Sure you have seen pornos where the horny nurse gives the patient a blowjob but i was too preoccupied with thinking that I am going to have something seriously wrong with me to have Russell the Love Muscle working. 


Posted December 22nd, 2008 by

One thing that really bugs the hell out of me is when people give you that “no shit” moment. Here is an incident that really stands out:

In college, my then gf wanted to go to a fortune teller for fun. On a side note, going to a fortune teller is not fun. I had more fun at a funeral. Anways, so we are in westwood and see this fortune teller.


She is this fat gypsy looking woman. Lady smelled like sweat, beer, and deer antlers. Fucking weird smelling. So she asks for my hand and inspects it. She first says that i have an adnormally small hand. (FUCK YOU BITCH!) Then with her greasy hands and stares at my hand and looks into my eyes with her dead eyes.

She tells me that I will live a short life and that I will marry a woman with long dark hair. Gee thanks for the specifics bitch. I then looked at my gf and thought, how the hell is this fun.

So let me recap the situation: (more…)