Posted April 16th, 2012 by

Keeping your man happy

Ladies, you don’t have any idea how hard it is for a dude in a relationship. They have to go against their biological makeup to stay monogamous. They need to think long and hard about how to keep their girls happy with words, flowers, events, dinners, trips, gifts, etc. It is not really in our nature to be “romantic”. I put the quotation marks on the word because your idea of romance is a skewed by the shitty romantic comedies you love so much. We do these things to keep you happy to make you smile. But it seems like the give and take of this shit aint really fair trade off. All girls think they know how to keep their men happy but I doubt that yall really know.

Let me give you an example. Valentines Day is really a shitty day for dudes. Why you ask? Because the guy has to stress out for weeks/months about getting the right place to have dinner, the right flowers, the right gift. They need to get their romance game on point or they are gonna have a pissed of significant other and not getting some on valentines day might suck major ass. It has come to my attention that these days all the girl does is buy lingerie to wear for their man. What they fail to realize is, as much as lingerie is sexy, its really work to get you naked and after all that planning the guy went through he really doesn’t wanna work more. Think about this while the dude spent months figure this shit out, you can go to Victoria’s Secret and pick something out that makes you look good. The thought and preparation on that shit is not much at all.

Of course a guy will not tell you what he really wants from his gf. But if he was truly honest his list for him to be happy it might go a little something like this:

  • Shut your mouth from time to time. Especially during anything sports related. Most of the time your gossip and stories about your friends and coworkers truly are not interesting. We tolerate it because we wanna seem like we care but most of the time we don’t give two shits about your gossip. You can ask questions like what is a play action, or a 2-3 zone but that’s where talking should stop. An addition to this would be think… I mean really think something out before you talk. Me not knowing what you want to eat at this moment does not mean I don’t love you or care about you. It means you should just tell me and save me some trouble, you fucking idiot.
  • Really mean it when you say thank you. I’m serious. Let your man feel that you truly are thankful for everything he has done and means to you. The appreciation will really make your dude wanna keep on doing it.
  • Be selfless from time to time. Although you claim to be selfless to your man a lot of times it only makes sense in your twisted logic. Getting me tickets to a musical or planning a trip to farmers market is something YOU wanna do.
  • Don’t nag as much. A guy should change for you because he wants to. Not because you harp in his ear about it. He will hate you for it. Trust me…
  • Cook for him. Not something easy like spaghetti or ramen… It don’t matter if it tastes amazing or not, we really appreciate the effort.Furthermore,  romantic dinners don’t require getting dressed up, candles, and good wine. It can be done at home in sweats and shitty wine in a Dixie cup.
  • Don’t hold your vagina hostage. If you are on your period a blowjob will suffice. Yes we think about sex all the time so deal with it. Every time you wanna cuddle, every time you wanna hold hands in public, we oblige. Same should go for sex. One more thing related… Masturbation IS NOT CHEATING. Its just a guy loving himself. It has nothing to do with your performance in bed. Ive been with girls who I had amazing sex with often. I still jerked one out from time to time. Think of it as the males version of getting their nails done.
  • DO NOT ruin guys night out. That means keep the calls and texts to a minimum. Matter of fact, unless my house is on fire don’t call me at all.

Now I will assume that most girls will read this and think that it doesn’t apply. But don’t be like the average closed minded my shit don’t smell girl and really try to understand this list. It was complied to help you understand us better.

Posted April 16th, 2012 by

Signs that a guy aint feeling you

1)      He doesn’t ask about your friends or family.

The guy doesn’t necessarily have to care about your friends and family but a guy that is into you will ask to evaluate you more. If you are attractive enough, the guy needs to check under the hood so to speak. Trust me, a lot of times, guys cant stand their gf’s friends but they deal with em because its their gfs friends. If we are into the girl then we will ask about friends and family because we are looking for clues to see how much crazy this chick has in her.

2)      He leaves you cab money after sex.

I hope this one is obvious. If the dude is into you, he will let you sleep over so yall can cuddle or whatever else the chicks like to do post coitus. A dude that finds a way to kick you out as soon as yall got done fucking means you are to him just a hole that he shoots his load in.

3)      He tries to or has nutted on your face.

Guys don’t cum on things they care about. It really does not do anything physically for a dude to nut on a chicks face. It’s really forms of dominance and disrespect all rolled into one. If a dude has a condom on and he tries to nut on your face that really means he aint thinking of you as the potential mother of his children. Now if he is going bareback it still takes extra work to nut on the chicks face. But ladies DO NOT mistake friendly fire with him trying to give you a babyshower. If the dude pulls out too late and some of his man juice gets on you, you should be thankful that he didn’t give you a creampie.

4)      If he doesn’t give you the majority of his attention during dates.

It’s true guys will undress girls mentally even when they are with somebody. It aint cheating if its done in the mind. But if a dude aint making eye contact with you through the majority of the night, he aint digging you.  Ive heard women who are in denial saying that the dude is just shy. Trust me ladies, if a dude digs a girl, he wouldn’t have a problem looking at YOUR FACE. Not your tits or ass.

5)      All your hangout session occur after 2am.

Unless the dude has a crazy work schedule if the dude hollers at you only after last call. That means he has one thing in mind. He will deal with your stories of your coworkers for about 30 minutes or so but at that point the muthafucka only wants to bang you. Trust me, I’ve called quite a few girls at 2am just to get uhhhh get my dick warm… Point is, he just wants to bang you and not deal with the other responsibilities of being a relationship with you. Like talking and caring and a handful of other shit.

Posted April 16th, 2012 by

For many years now I noticed a trend in media that depict a guy in a relationship as a fucking idiot. And the chick is so smart. I don’t know when this type of bullshit became accepted. For many years, I have heard women talk shit about how guys are so dumb but when I hear the reasoning for such conclusions, I start getting angry at the generalizations and a lack of understanding. Calling people dumb is too dismissive.  So I decided to help you girls understand guys. I don’t claim to be an expert but most of my friends generally see eye to eye with me on a lot of these lessons.

Stop trying to change the guy.

I still meet a lot of women that want that swept off their feet, knight in shining armor kinda love. Fucking Disney movies man! Oh course they want to be treated like princesses. They wanna feel loved and beautiful and a handful of other things that you can find in a Colbie Calliat song. But that shit don’t exist.

When a dude dates a girl, he likes the majority of the girl. Meaning that he probably likes >50% of the girl as a whole. The one he marries probably is closer to 80%. However, they don’t try to make their girls perfect. We don’t ask chicks to change for us unless its something bad like a crack addiction or she is a degenerate gambler.  But for the most part we know what we signed up for and we just let that shit slide.

Girls on the other hand will date a guy who is 85% perfect and they will nag and try to force their dudes to fix the 15% of them.  It’s ultimately a selfish thing. For example, a girl gave me shit for being a cigarette smoker. She said that she hated the smell. Sure she can mask the hatred for the smell and say that its better for my health to not smoke. But ultimately, its because they don’t wanna smell it on my breath. I get it, its not a great scent but bitch this is what you signed up for.

If a dude fights back or reacts negatively to the nagging, a lot of girls will dismiss that since we think differently, we are stupid. Ladies, guys understand the way you think but we don’t feel the same way most of the times. Us not going along with your thoughts isn’t because we are completely oblivious but rather our way of saying fuck it I am taking a stand.

Now the perceived ignorance and apathy of how you think can lead you to think that the guy doesn’t like/love you. You jumping to that conclusion usually means its time to split. Because then it falls into “lets set up tests and hoops for the guy to pass and jump true just to prove he still cares” phase. It’s a stupid fucking game and if a guy had a backbone at this point he would tell you to shit a square. (Fortunately, most guys are smarter than me and not say those words verbatim.)

Im sure everyone has heard the saying no one is perfect.  So you looking for the perfect man, the perfect ring, the perfect wedding is ultimately a futile act. Hold on to whats real and available at hand and be thankful for that. If not you just gonna end up a sad old cat lady (thats a bad thing).

Posted March 17th, 2012 by

Since I was a kid, I was always fascinated with martial arts films. I know its not shocking given the shape of my eyes. But my dad was really into watching them Chinese films were muthafuckas were fighting on tree branches for no reason.  Bruce Lee movies were virtually worshipped at my house. I watched em all. Hell I did various forms of martial arts for close to 20 years.

To this day, I will watch a shitty martial arts film on Netflix. I have no idea why I gravitate toward em. The white people version of martial arts movies were all them Chuck Norris films, The American Ninja series, Earlier Van Damme movies, and Earlier Steven Segal movies. I aint gonna lie, I watched them too.

Today, I was chatting it up with my roommate today and I got into a massive martial arts fight scene binge. So given that its been a slow day for me I wanted to share my top 5 fight scenes in a martial arts movie.

#5- Best of the Best

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This one is a little biased. I can’t explain really why I like this scene and movie in general. It’s terrible acting, terrible lines, terrible martial arts from TEAM USA. But ultimately seeing the Rhee Brothers beating the crap out of each other was entertaining. And given that I was a taekwondo instructor, I can’t help but love this scene.

#4 – Drunken Master 2

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This is one epic ass fight scene. Jackie Chan is pretty underrated in my opinion because he acts like a fucking clown in his recent films but this dude is a badass asian dude.  I remember watching this scene as a kid and it fucking blew my skull off. Watching it again today, I was still fucking shocked how crazy this fight sequence is.

#3 – Fist of Legend

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Jet Li was another dude that was so badass in Asia. When he made his American Film Debut in Lethal Weapon 4, I was happy at how bad ass this dude was. Even white people were like this little asian dude is fucking scary. Then came Romeo Must Die, and I realized Jet Li just shouldn’t speak English cuz it sounds ridiculous. But this fight with the Japanese is pretty fucking badass! This story has been done by Bruce Lee, Jet Li, Donnie Yen and a handful of others. I personally thought this was the best in terms of action.

#2- Flashpoint

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I honestly think Donnie Yen should be way bigger than he is in the US. This is the first movie that isn’t vastly martial arty but damn when I saw this fight sequence, I was like this is pretty brutal. A very modern look. There is some jiu-jitsu, some judo, elements of karate, and a handful of other shit that made me wanna give the fight choreographer a bj. Seriously…

#1- Ipman

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I saw this movie a few years ago. I didn’t hear shit about the film so I figured it was gonna be a mediocre film. I was way off. Ive taken wing chun before and when I saw this film I was like damn so this is what it looks like. I know yall have seen circular punching but this aint a boxer on a speed bag or punk ass billy blanks pushing a shitty exercise video. Fucking brutal.

I know some of yall are gonna disagree but its my list. Let’s see what yall think are the best fight scenes in a movie.

Posted February 23rd, 2012 by

On the second episode of The Scumbag Podcast, my buddy Aiko Tanaka came through and talked about her times as an import model, soul train dancer, and a stand up comedian. She also talked about her non existent love life and shared an interesting story about Steven Seagal.